So I’ve been in my apartment for a few years. It’s very nice. I like the building enormously. Everything is perfect. Almost. Y’see. The units have remarkably poor sound insulation between units. Think of your own home and imagine what you can hear through a closed door. That’s about what it’s like in my building.
I recently had a guy move in next door to me and he’s been a great neighbor, sound-wise. He has a habit of blowing his nose pretty strongly, but that’s about it. Or it was until a few weeks ago. He met a girl. And they fuck like jackrabbits! We’re talking hot, loud awesome sex. I’m actually a little bit envious. It sounds freaking awesome! Bully for them.
Except… I don’t want to hear them. I feel like I shouldn’t have to hear them going at it when I’m trying to say… read a book, eat dinner, or whatever in my own home. I mean, thank god I’m not a parent with a young child. How awkward would that be?
I don’t feel like I have any right to ask him to curtail what he’s doing in the (not-so) privacy of his own home. I don’t think the apartment management can do anything to improve the sound insulation once they’re already built. Have I gotten fucked as bad as his new girlfriend?
I’m sure if you yelled, “Hey. keep it down!” or something like that, she would be embarassed enough to not make so much noise next time.
If there were a next time.
If you never had a reason to get a soundtrack of really bad ‘Chicka-Bow-Wow’ 70’s porn movie before, you’ve got one now. Cue it up on the stereo at low volume, turn the stereo off, turn up the volume, and then point the speakers directly down against the floor. Then go about your business until they get busy with theirs. When necessary, flip the switch.
Bust out the tape recorder. If you were really devious (WARNING: ILLEGAL ACTIVITY. NOT RECOMMENDED. JUST JOKING) you could drill a very small hole in the wall and…
“Um, I’m not sure how to say this, but…the walls around here are pretty thin and it sounds like you and your girlfriend are really having a great time…I’m happy for you and all, but its a little distracting.”
If he doesn’t blush bright red and start quieting down, buy the Chicka Bow Wow soundtrack.
Or, even better, place them up against the common wall. And forget that part about turning off the stereo.
This actually is a pretty good idea. If the porn soundtrack throws you off, just pick something. As long as they hear it every time they are banging away, they’ll get the message.
…Or there are probably more subtle ways to approach the topic (though maybe not as much fun). When you see him in the common area, ask casually if he has any trouble keeping the temperature in his place comfortable. “I really like this place, but I’ve noticed that there doesn’t seem to be much insulation in the walls.” Or tell him that you’re thinking about getting a new stereo, but you really need him to tell you if it gets too loud, because you’ve noticed that the sound really seems to carry between apartments. Or come up with your own.
When I lived with my girlfriend in Paris, there were a couple of gay guys in the apartment below that went at it every couple of days like rutting buffalo. Either they genuinely didn’t know how much noise they were making, or they simply didn’t care. To be honest, me and my girlfriend didn’t much care either. I have to confess, however, that we found the whole thing fairly hilarious, because it would always go the same way: one of the guys, always the same one, would start out with little high-pitched “Ohhh, ohh” noises, which gradually built in intensity until reaching a window-rattling "OOOOHHH!!! OOOOHHHHH!!! that would go on for at least twenty minutes.
After several months of this, I guess we finally got a bit fed up. One day when the “Ooohh, ohhh” started up my girfriend and I both looked at each other and spontaneously began doing exactly the same thing, at the same level of loudness. As they gradually got louder we did too, until some point at which they apparently realized that they weren’t hearing an echo. All of a sudden, it went very quiet downstairs and we never heard much of anything from them again.
Yeah, I’m properly chagrined at having been such an asshole. If I were to be faced with the same situation again, I’d just ride it out and maybe slip a discreet word to them later.
The number of decibels permissible in an apartment building will vary by jurisdiction so the OP should check out the local limits. Then a decibel measuring machine (DBM) should be obtained and the equipment made ready to record a sample of the offending moans and screams etc.
From what the OP says, this equipment should be insured in case it explodes due to excessive noise input.
If the local sound limit is exceeded the DBM readout should provide enough evidence to secure a daily ‘time window’ in which the sounds of sex will be prohibited by law.
It might also be useful to rent a jackhammer and to check out this tool for the purposes of establishing a noise benchmark which can be used in future court cases in the area.
This solution may sound somewhat draconian but please remember that sex noises are a form of pollution and must be silenced without delay.
I’m moving next week in large part because of similar issues. This house is like a dollhouse – the walls might as well not be there at all.
One of my roommates has a girlfriend that apparently can’t be quiet. She’s loud by nature, even in conversation. In coition, she’s thunderous.
Worse, I have a hard time having sex without being conscious of our noise levels. Even when we limit things to when nobody’s home on this floor, I know damn well that people can hear us upstairs. Ewww.
It’ll be so nice to be able to have a good unrestrained shag again. I don’t know what’s more of a mood-killer: “shushing” each other, or hearing dirty guffaws from upstairs. :o
One quick, anonymous, phone call to the police informing them that you’re pretty sure a woman in the next apartment over is being murdered… that should do it!
