Never heard of this. Are you sure you don’t mean “poo-poo platter”? That’s usually an assortment of appetizers. “Doo-doo” as a food item in the US would be hard sell…
I’ve found that sesame chicken is a good choice for my picky friends. It’s boneless chicken chunks, lightly battered and deep fried and served in a sweet brown sauce with sesame seeds. There are no veggies, though.
Another good choice would be Lo mein (pronounced low mane) or any kind of fried noodles.
Now I’m hungry for Chinese…
I’m a big “cultural food” weenie, and stay away from spices, peppers and onions like the plague. I always get (and enjoy) lo mein or chow mein. You just have to ask to make sure there’s not going to be broccoli or mushrooms in it. Then again, you’ll find lo mein to be 80% noodles so if you have to pick some veggies out, you won’t go hungry. There will be a bit of onion in lo mein and chow mein but it’s not overpowering. Just enough that I would eat it.
I also like egg rolls, and crab rangoon. Everything else…well, I haven’t bothered to venture there yet 
I’d go for something in black bean sauce (they’ll probably have chicken). That is a dish that avoids goopiness, doesn’t have broccoli, and is definitely not spicy.
Hi! I love Chinese food, in all varieties (from strip mall to Chinatown to homemade by the parents of Chinese friends), and I hope I can help out.
Since as you’ve said this is strip mall Chinese fare, you don’t have to worry about things being too spicy, and you can also order by number if you’re not sure how to pronounce something. As people have said in the thread, it’s common to order multiple dishes and share; many restaurants will have a lazy-susan in the center of the table. Here are my standard picks:
steamed meat dumplings and egg rolls for appetizers
mu shi pork or mu shi vegetable (this will come as finely chopped (meat and) veg with a plum sauce and thin pancakes that you wrap it in like a burrito)
sesame chicken - comes in a slightly sweet sauce, sort of like a barbeque sauce but less smoky
yellow curry chicken - the curry will be mild, and I think contains coconut milk to neutralize the spice
ginger beef - crispy, only a hint of spice
there will be sticky white rice served with most of these dishes, and it’s very good if you use it to sop up the sauce.
If you are still hungry for dessert and they are at a reasonable place on the authenticity scale, they may have Moon Cakes. Moon Cakes are a flaky pastry that are filled with a paste made from bean curd. That probably sounds disgusting but they are just a little bit sweet, not overwhelming, and have a great chewy texture. However your average strip mall place may not sell these.
If you don’t like spicy DO NOT PUT MUSTARD ON ANYTHING. Chinese mustard is basically pure horseradish. I once forgot this while in Philly’s Chinatown and I dunked an egg roll in mustard and took a bite, and felt like my face was going to explode.
I also don’t recommend soup to people new to the cuisine.
As Pyper described it, Mu Shu is pretty much a Chinese burrito, easing the transition. I like it with plum sauce, which is something like plum jam mixed with soy sauce. And don’t forget the fresh ginger! It is a revelation and you will be disappointed with anything made with powdered ginger the rest of your life.
I’m Chinese so that makes me an expert in Chinese food! 
Many do. And no, they’re not going to peel it off for you 
But generally speaking, if a dish is primarily shrimp, or where shrimp is the main ingredient, then it’s going to come whole with the head (fried shrimp or pepper shrimp). If it’s used as part of a dish, such as in shrimp fried rice or shrimp chow mein, it comes peeled and headless
Since you like pork, chicken, and shrimp, ask what types of meats are in their fried rice. Most Chinese restaurants will have a pork fried rice, beef fried rice, chicken, or a house special fried rice that usually includes all the above meats plus shrimp.
BBQ pork is a good choice since you like pork. It’s a large slab of pork, glazed with a sweetish sauce. It’s cut up into small bite-sized chunks.
Dumplings are a pretty safe choice, though most of them have beef in them. Beef and pork are the most popular ingredients
Many places come with soup if you’re getting a lunch special. Standard soups are usually Egg Drop soup or Hot and Sour soup. Since you don’t like spicy, the Egg Drop soup’s a safe bet. It’s water with egg and assorted vegetables in it, usually a selection of carrots, peas, cabbage, tofu, green onions, or bean sprouts
In most Chinese restaurant menu’s I’ve see, they have a little chili pepper or check mark next to dishes that are spicy. Just avoid those and the other ingredients you don’t like and you should be fine.
I thought those were the “Hey dropzone! Order us!” indicators. You live and learn.
Hot and Sour Soup is a tasty decongestant.
A local documentary claimed Fried Rice as an American, specifically Chicagoan, invention. Okay, seeing Birdseye frozen peas and carrots in it betrays its current heritage (Aren’t they cute? They were never that cute when Dropmom served them slathered in margarine.), but I am assembling a theory that Greasy Starch is a human universal and that where one (endlessly-variable) recipe ends another starts until they may have started as individual recipes but they ended up as what we commonly eat. Commuting through Chicago’s black West Side I see as many signs for stores selling fried rice as I do stores that sell Chicago hot dogs, Italian beef, or hot links.
And “poo-poo platter” is an easier sell?
edit: BTW, strip mall Chinese doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be a cater-to-Americans-type place. I used to think that, but I’ve run into an inordinate number of great ethnic restaurants in strip malls, at least around here. It’s not the rule, for sure, but it happens enough that I don’t assume because something is in a strip mall it’s going to be watered down.
I used as my rule of thumb the number of people who were actually Chinese to guide me, but the past few years various legations to Oak Brook, IL, have lunched at my usual buffet. Note to all of them: There’s a liter of Valentina at my table and those of all the other (mostly Mexican) regulars. Without it you are stuck with food that will only appeal to older Americans and your Cantonese grandparents. Mexicans and younger Americans, and even old farts like me, are looking for something more interesting.
Since authenticy isn’t really a concern you should try going a buffet restaurant. Chinese buffets are great places for sampling alot if different American-Chinese food, especially if you’re by yourself or in a small group.
I’m a fairly adventurous eater, so I kind of like the options of duck tongue or bacon & lard in jelly.
But Chinese food - even the traditional recipes - has a huge range in taste and composition; there are pretty nice vegetarian dishes if you care to look for them, but if you’re fine with most meats you’ll have a cornucopia of options open for you.
Dim Sum might work as a good introduction: lots of small dishes with tea (usually served before or at noon). Any good restaurant will be able to work around your dislike of beef.
If you’re off in that direction again and feel like homemade Chinese noodles (like dan-dan noodles), hie thee to Katy’s Dumpling Houseat 665 N. Cass Ave., Westmont, IL. It’s in a strip mall, and it has the best homemade noodles in the Chicago area. (Don’t bother with the potstickers–they’re only okay. The dan-dan and szechuan cold noodles are where it’s at. Addictive and cheap.)
Ideally…
Go to a large buffet and take small sample amounts of many dishes.
Or allow your friends to order and mooch off their plates to try a larger variety.
When dining on Chinese food with my mom or small children (none of whom has an adventureous palet), I usually order or make egg foo yung. Not too spicy and none of the veggies that you list as dislikes. A lot of the other suggestions are good ones as well.
Thank you for this explanation. Someone above mentioned that this came with “pancakes” and I was trying to figure that out. I can just see me ordering this and eating the pancakes like you do for breakfast!
Since you like chicken see if they have Moo Goo Gai Pan. It’s usually made with strips of skinless chicken with bamboo shoots, water chestnuts, and straw mushrooms. Although, there was a restaurant that I used to go to that used breaded deep fried chicken, twice cooked pork, and shiitake and straw mushrooms. OMG that was good stuff.
Two of my favorites are pork fried rice and cashew chicken. YUM! But I vote buffet too, that way you can sample lots and see what you really like.
When I was a kid, we used to go out as a family and share:
Egg Rolls (or spring rolls, basically the same thing AFAIK)
Mu Shu Pork (you may want to ask the wait person to make the pancakes up for you (at least the first one) if they don’t already)
Cashew Chicken
One shrimp dish
One beef dish
Steamed Rice
I wouldn’t recommend buffets because they can be terrible and could ruin your experience of Chinese food forever. The food there isn’t very similar to what you’d get in a restaurant anyway. Dim Sum was suggested by some people (it’s like a rolling buffet where they bring appetizers by your table on carts), but it may be difficult: it’s hard to know what’s in the dumplings/food items, and the staff may have very poor English.
Sweet dishes include Orange Chicken, General Tso’s Chicken, Sesame Chicken and Sweet and Sour Anything. If you like sweet, then you’ll probably like them. There will probably not be vegetables in these. Oh – I’m wrong – I’ve seen broccoli in Orange Chicken.
Hot dishes include Mongolian, Kung Pao, and Szechuan. Also, of course, Hot & Sour Soup.
It would be a really good idea for you to go out with friends whom you could share with, so you could try several dishes. That’s usually the way Chinese food is eaten anyway.
Since you don’t like broccoli, you could ask them what vegetables are in each dish (there aren’t going to be any in Mu Shu, I don’t think) or just eat around the broccoli. But, of course, if broccoli is so disgusting to you that it will turn your stomach, then ask them to leave it out!
Bon appetit!
So, did you go yet? How about a report back on what the experience was like and if any advice here was of help?