…“H-Help me…this creep has me imprisoned here…”
Just the old man barged in and sprayed some sort of gas in her face knocking her out. The few moments talking to Quinn allowed him to snap out of the trance.
“Ha HA! take that you, you, you…beautiful intoxicating treasure…” trailing off, unable to stay mad. He then look to Harley “I love her but she’s trying to kill me. Also, who are you and what are you doing here?”
“My name’s Harley. I’ve been going door to door looking for free socks to give to charity. You don’t have any you’d care to part with, do you?”
The mermaid’s call had mesmerized him. He ignored Harley and moved once again towards the bathroom.
Harley put her hands over the old man’s ears. “Hey! I’m talking here!”
“OK, you two have some relationship issues, and the socks are some weird side effect,” said Harley. “I got an app for it,” she said as she produced her iPhone and swiped icons.
Harley took a quick look at the mermaid’s midsection to verify her gender, but surmised fish reproductive organs were differently placed. “Let’s see, genders male and… female I guess?”
“Age range, 18-24 for the mermaid, 75+ for the guy, right?” The mermaid was still singing and the old man was unresponsive.
“How long have you and your partner been in a relationship? Uh, less than 1 year? 1-3 years? 3-5 years? 5-10? 10-20? I need feedback, guys.”
The mermaid stopped singing and said…
Girl, please! This is no time for a survey.
Get me outta here.
The mermaid resumed singing after answering, since the old man was coming out of his trance, and nobody wanted him to be lucid yet. Harley asked “How? Flood the whole apartment?” Harley wasn’t normally up to inflicting property damage in a stranger’s dwelling, but she did just escape a deadly fire and thought “You know, a flood would balance out my day” out loud. She proceeded to open all the taps in the bathroom and kitchen and plugged the sinks. She then realized it would take hours for flooding conditions to get to the level required to allow the mermaid to swim out, so she left.
When Harley returned to the outside world, she saw…
…Jay and Silent Bob. Not Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith, but motherfucking Jay and Silent Bob.
“Wait, you two are fictional characters.”
“So are mermaids, sweetcheeks,” Jay said. Silent Bob nudged him with his elbow.
“Your line,” said Silent Bob, rolling his eyes, “was ‘So are motherfucking mermaids, pussycheeks.’ Your entire character is built around the endless wave of profane expressions, allowing us to dispense with you at once as an immediately amoral and vacuous fool, only to be pleasantly surprised when you eventually come forth was a statement that, however vile its form, proves to be the exact thing needed to know at the moment. Pisser.”
Jay was miffed. But he didnt care. Right in front of his face was a beautiful Mermaid. He needed to find Harley. Harley would hook him up with a date with rhe Mermaid. Also, he needed to ditch Bob.
“See, lunchbox does this all the fucking time. He doesn’t say anything, then when he does finally say something, he expects us to take him seriously. Who the fuck do you think you are, Kevin Smith?”
Silent Bob was pissed, but not enough to walk away. Jay had to think of something else. Maybe insult Batman…
…rehearsal for his upcoming show. “If the river was whiskey and I was a diving duck,” he sang has he plunked his kalimba, “I’d dive to the bottom, and never would I come up." (sip of whiskey) “Well, I’ve got it as good as I’m gonna get it.” He sipped at his whiskey and thought about Sophie. “Oooooh, Sophie….you and your socks."
The whiskey was, he realized too late, poisoned. As he slumped in his chair, his life slipping inevitably away, the glass falling from his nerveless fingers, he was unaware that, high above, the fifty D’kel battlecruisers in synchronous orbits over Earth’s biggest cities were preparing to…
…demand that the one of their own, that has been held hostage on Earth for years, be returned to them. The announcement was made simultaneously all over the world. The high pitch chitterings and squeaks shattered windows and eardrums for miles around. For those not deafened, they could only hear the sweat sounds of singing. The straight men were all at once turned into lovesick idiots. Drawn to the beautiful song.
Silent Bob was affected by this, but, for some reason, not saying why, Jay was not affected at all.
But chances are it was all the heroin in his system.
Chapter 2
Jay stood shaking, at the table, looking down at the stupid day-glo orange Crocs.
The Judge looked over his horn-rimmed spectacles. He said, “Young man this is the last opportunity to reduce your sentence. The DAs office is willing to cut you alittle slack if you’ll name names.”
Jay stood there thinking. He shook his head and said “No sir, I don’t know nothin’”
The gavel hit the wood…
… but not before smashing the judge’s thumb. “FUCK ME!” the judge screamed. Jay, in a trance walked over to the judge and began a frottage. “Guards! Take this man t my chambers.” The guards complied.
They entered the judge’s chambers. In the middle of the main room was a portal to the D’kel flagship. Visible through it was a featureless grey room containing only a small table supporting a plate of pizza. There was a sign by the pizza which advised dubiously, “Free, harmless food!”
“Oh no, not falling for the free food bit,” Jay said, “Not a third time.”