New for 2009! Mini-rants!

The BBQ Pit
1

Okay, as someone who rarely participates in the mini-rants threads, I recognize that this is presumptuous of me. But time was, we’d get a new mini-rants thread about once per month. The current thread was started on November 12, is nearly nine weeks old, and is already on its ninth page.

IMNSHO, this set of conditions positively screams for a new mini-rants thread. And now that we’re well into the new year, with the Holiday Season well and truly over, what better time to start up a brand-new thread of mini-rants?

Plus, if I stick mine in the old thread, no-one is ever goiing to see it. So, without further ado, I submit the following for your (dis)approval:

Auto insurance carriers, this is for you. I recognize that when you total out a car, you need to have the keys sent to you. I don’t pretend to have perfect knowledge of why you need the keys, although I can think of a few circumstances where it would make things easier on you. And I think it’s a great bit of customer service for you to send your client a pre-paid envelope to mail the key in.

But PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF G_D, consider what you’re doing! Either clearly mark the envelope for Hand Processing Only; or, better yet, send the policyholder a padded mailer. The automated mail handling devices used by the Postal Service are not really designed to accommodate an inflexible chunk of metal and plastic this large.

Machine operators, this is for you: when a mailpiece with a car key gets jammed in the rollers or gates, give me a call, and I’ll get it out for you. You’re going to be calling me anyway, to re-install the belts that invariably come off when yo inevitably use too much force, or the wrong kind of force, or the right kind of force at the wrong spot. Frankly, I’d prefer wrestling a rigid piece of steel out of the mail path over trying to stretch a Kevlar[sup]TM[/sup] belt over a bull wheel that is configured to place optimum tension (roughly described as “with hardly any slack to speak of”) on that belt.

I hereby declare the floor open to mini-rants of 2009, January Edition. Come one, come all.

2

Did you call or visit your grandparents during the Thanksgiving - Christmas - New Year’s holiday period? Or maybe you sent them a little present or a Christmas card. You remember your grandparents, right? The ones who never said no to you? The ones who searched the stores and always made sure that your fantasy wish came true at Christmas?

My fantasy wish was just for a phone call…from across town…

Not one of you even checked on us to see if we are still alive.

3

To the moron who got a 25 dollar gift certificate and a leftover "Safety Pays" coffee mug for suggesting we save .12 a ream using “tissue weight” paper for the copier, printer, and fax. You made a couple of bucks but the rest of us spending 2 stinking hours a day fishing paper shards out of the searing machine guts might prefer passing your fingers through the laser fuser.

And prematurely pitting the next office dweeb “manager” who thinks this cost saving looks good on his/her evaluation when it get resubmitted in a couple of years as memories dim.

Another mini-rant to the clown who just has to “adjust” the three hole punch to personal specifications. Also don’t bother to empty out the 12 bazillion paper dots you just created. They loosened the tray and now all the dots are artfully arranged throughout the office.

I’m rolling now - I wish thumb cramps and twisted fingers on the designer of today’s phone number pad. I learned number punching on good old fashioned manual adding machines with the 1-2-3 row immediately above the zero - not moved to the top row. this is back when we had real American-by-Og rotary dials on phones going, “ca-chunk ca-chunk ca-chunk” or “whhhrrrrrr” on spring back. No, I can’t relearn - I was ambivalent and used either hand when the mood struck to punch number.

Oh yeah - “Get off my lawn you whippersnappers”.

4

Eh, sorry, the grandma who never wanted me gets diddly squat. The Aunts, Uncles, more of the same. Too bad, they blew it. Shoulda been there before I came of age when I really needed you. Maybe I would be taller now. Maybe you should have thought of me when I was a wee child and my mother was begging for shelter. Go to hell, Grandma.

5

I rant in a mini-voice about kaylasdad99 grandstanding in opening a new minirants thread. Actually, no I don’t. Pay no attention.

I would like to congratulate my local newspaper for its ceaseless campaign of gloom and doom. It has been on a major downer of late, constantly trumpeting the worst economic and other news it can find in large black headlines all over the front page, assuring us we are headed for the dumper and everything is hopeless. It even found a way recently to bring dead puppies into the mix (alleged scandalous treatment at the animal shelter).

Now it’s topped itself - we are to be treated to a week-long multimedia series on

Death.

Happy New Year, y’all! Enjoy!

(This is the same newspaper whose editor gives us columns about hard times at the paper and downsizing. More series on doom and DEATH and you can expect that trend to accelerate, dumbass.)

6

Winter sucks!
– a true mini rant

7

Oh Zoe that makes me really sad.

Tiny little rant – why is it I need to write a personal statement for my graduate school application and it’s supposed to be five pages long? That’s not a statement, that’s a novella!

8

Oh and by the way when i was a tiny tot, I wish you had remembered my mom. maybe then you had remmbered my

9

I’ll admit that I didn’t call any of my grandparents this holiday season.

Of course, they are all dead, so I suppose I should be affored a little slack.

10

Dear God and Satan too.

That is truly bleak.

I pit them for putting music on the opening page and having no way to turn it off. Sure it’s only a few seconds, but I prefer having my heart beat without any skips in the rhythm.

11

Dear body/mind:

While I think it’s absolutely terrific that I’m sleeping easily and deeply now, for a change, could I perhaps trouble you to stop the sleeping thing when it’s time to be up and about? Hmmmm? Maybe quit punching the snooze alarm quite so many times? It would be ever so helpful.

Love,
Me

12

The Census Bureau has the most annoying hold signal ever. No musak, no, just a persistent beeping. Criminy.

ETA and the guy that finally answered is chewing gum. Ew.

13

I pit your newspaper for requiring that I allow popups in order to view content. Sorry, I’m not turning those on for nobody.

14

Somebody should go check up on Abby_Emma_Sasha.

Football team names. Since when did the St. Louis Cardinals change their name to the Arizona Cardinals? If they want their name to have “Arizona” in it somewhere, they should use a bird that is actually associated with Arizona, like, oh, I don’t know, how about a roadrunner?

15

And while I’m on a roll with complaining: Kitt, I am on the phone trying to find a job. I cannot keep you in delicious treats and your premium litter without a J-O-B. Quit dancing on my head and meowing while I’m on the phone, you dimwit!

16

NO CUTE KITTIES IN THE PI - - awwww.

17

I can see it with popups turned off in FireFox. It just says it requires popups.

18

Dear ad agency that NEEDS me whether they admit it or not:

I interviewed with you before Thanksgiving. At that point you said that you’d be giving me some freelance copywriting work so I could demonstrate my chops and make a little money, and by January, when that big client’s work starts rolling in, we’d both know if we want to make it permanent.

You’re now telling me that you just hired a new creative director who will be “building his team” in February. That’s fine – I don’t have a problem with that.

What I DO have a problem with is that there has been NO freelance work forthcoming. How am I supposed to show this new, unknown quantity of a Creative Director how awesome I am if you won’t send any work my way? Am I supposed to believe that your agency hasn’t produced ANY written work in the last two months?

I mean, jeez. At this point I’d do it for free, just to show you what I can do. I WANT this job. You are still making noises like you’re interested in me. If you AREN’T, please quit jerking me around so I can let go and move on.

Dear company for whom I am currently doing contract work:
I know I’m lucky to have work at all. I’m certainly happy that this gig, which was only supposed to last for a month or two, has gone on for more than a year. But I’m a copy editor. You haven’t given me anything to edit for more than six weeks. I told you I’d be happy to tackle some Web site updates because:
[ol][li] I like to keep busy, and the Web guys (whom I like) have way too much on their plates, so low-priority stuff isn’t getting done.[/li][li] I once got laid off because the company didn’t have enough work for me to do and couldn’t justify paying my salary, so I want to be as valuable as possible.[/li][li] Web work is a hot skill right now, and I need more of it on my resume.[/ol][/li]
I did NOT say “Please stop giving me the on-point-for-my-career, interesting editing work entirely and bury me in 101-level HTML crap work that won’t impress anyone.” While I’m grateful to be working in this economy, I’m bored out of my mind and my work will inevitably suffer.

P.S. more than a year is too long to employ a temp without extending a job offer. I deserve sick days and health insurance as much as the rest of the editors around here. (Please note that I am NOT encouraging you to stop employing me as a temp.)

19

Hear hear! We’re still waiting for a call or a thank you note from the grandson whose birthday was in October, and the granddaughter who graduated high school two years ago. I used to roll my eyes at my mom when she bitched about nieces and nephews who didn’t acknowledge gifts. Now I know what it feels like.

I pit my husband’s kids (and the stepkids he raised for 15 years) for not getting him anything for Christmas, not so much as a bottle of after-shave. But most of them managed to stop by to get their gifts, so I guess there’s that. He doesn’t show it, but he’s hurt. Damn! His birthday’s coming up. I’d better get shopping or I’ll be pitting myself.

20

I pit the lady sitting next to me in the waiting room at the lab the other day. A young girl who had been called back for her appointment got very upset and started screaming. I didn’t see her go in, but if I had to guess I’d say she was around 10 years old and had some sort of developmental delay. She was quite obviously very upset about having to have blood drawn (or whatever) and was screaming like my two year old might have. I felt so badly for her… and the lady sitting next to me was laughing. Possibly it was at something else, but she wasn’t talking to anyone or reading anything.

Also: if you are going to drive in the HOV lane, for the love of god, at least go the speed limit. It’s also a clue that when you see cars passing you on the right, you should move over.