New Game: Most Powerful Person in the World

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Based on the old “Who would win in a fight: Spider-Man or the Hulk?” game from childhood, we the residents of the MPSIMS Board will, via process of elimination, discover who is in fact the most powerful fighter in the world.

The rules are simple, I’ll start out by tossing out a character, the next poster will counter by tossing out their own character and how they would defeat mine.

For example, say I toss out Don Knotts…

Sherry Lewis and Lambchop jump into the ring! Sherry scowls menacingly and Lambchop clearly has a look of bloodlust in her tiny button eyes. While Knotts fumbles, trying desperately to put his single bullet into his revolver, Sherry jams her knee into his groin! While knotts is howling in mortal pain, Sherry Lewis stuffs Lambchop into his mouth, thus suffocating him…

And the next contestant takes on Sherry and Lambchop.

Kind of like Pokemon meets Mortal Kombat! Real and fictional characters are allowed, but lets keep Jesus out of it (he’s offsides, keeping score).

I choose…

Jar Jar Binks!

Let the bloodsport begin!

2

Jar Jar Binks is lazing around in the swamp of his home planet of xxx, when all of a sudden, who pops out but…

Michigan J. Frog! whirling his top hat, singing Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime, summertime gal…", he drives Jar Jar Binks to paroxysms of laughter and confused speech. Jar Jar Binks immdediately forms the plan of making a bundle by actin as Michigan J. Frog’s impresario, but is chopped into little pieces in a Tatooine bar by some plug-uglys after the unfortunate discovery that Michigan J. Frog never sings in public.

3

Michigan J. basks in the sun, assured of his victory over all he surveys.

The only thing that could grab his attention was the rapidly growing shadow falling upon him. When he opened his eyes, he saw…

Bill Gates.

Michigan J. grabs the uzi sitting beside him, but not before the richest man in the universe can open his wallet, expelling hundreds of thousands of one dollar bills, thus effectively drowning the miserable greed cad.

4

Poor poor Bill Gates. He never saw it coming. Just as he was turning around BAM Out pops a huge Springing Fist. Behind it stands Wiley Coyote. Wiley isn’t quite finished. Pulling out his Big Box of ACME Dynamite, he ties up bill and let’s explode to smithereens. Finally somebody that isn’t a stupid Road runner.

5

Wiley, flush with the first plan that didn’t result in himslef becoming a small puff of smoke at the bottom of a remote desert gorge, sudden hears a strange sound. Why, is that the deep, resonent thumping of a bass guitar? Suddenly, he hears the deep throaty voice of an unseen narrator…

“Whos the black private dick thats a sex machine to all the chicks?”

Wiley hold up a sign reading “Shaft!”

“Your damn right! Whos’s the cat that won’t cop out when dangers all about?”

Wiley agains hold up the sign reading “Shaft!”

“I can dig it!”

Suddenly John Shaft sticks a sawed-off shotgun into Wiley’s ribs…

“Thats all, folks!”

Bam!!

6

John Shaft is standing over the mutilated corpse if Wiley gloating over his victory. Suddenly a voice rings out: “Kami Hami Ha!” John turns, to see Super-Saiyan-Jin San Vegeta hurl a giant beam of light at him. Seconds later, John Shaft is a pile of ashes.

7

Super-Saiyan-Jin San Vegeta remains confident when he is challenged by a suspiciously young-looking teenage girl with blonde pigtails. “Without your friends you have no chance of beating me.”

Sailor Moon confidently replies “Check out this copy of the April Nielsens. I’ve already beaten you. Eight points overall with a twenty five point lead in the key 18-30 Male market.”

Super-Saiyan-Jin San Vegeta is crushed.

8

“Aha!” Sailor Moon squeals with poorly dubbed lips “Through the power of the Moon and Love and …er… I think a crystal was involved at some point too, I have defeated you!”

But wait! Whats that strange discharge!?

“Tis I, the humble yeast cell! Your arch nemisis!”

“Aha!”

Later, after a valiant battle involving long baths, smelly medicated creams and skirts longer she was used to wearing, Sailor Moon succumbs to a fatal yeast infection.

“Ha! I, the yeast cell rein supreme!”

9

The yeast cell stands gloating, looking around for some bread to bloat.
Creeping around the corner is a non descript tube that looks like travel toothpaste.

Suddenly, the tube springs into the ring.

“Who are you? I don’t recognize you,” the yeast cell says.

“You mean you don’t know me, your arch nemesis? I am Tolnaftate,” the tube hisses.

“Who?”

Then, in a booming super-hero voice, the tube declares “AKA Tough Actin’ Tinactin!!!!”
<cue theme to “the A-team”>
“No! A topical anti-fungal cream! No! No!” screams the yeast cell, now helpless against the powerful cream without the fertile Sailor Moon valley in which to propagate itself, who has been training against tougher opponents like tinea (aka Ringworm) and tinea cruris (aka Jocko Itch).

“Die, bitch…” says Tinactin triumpantly.

"Who

10

Tinactin giggles with glee. But his celebration is short lived, as Richard Simmons rounds the corner.

“You’ve been a bad monkey!”, screams the strange little man.

“No, no, it can’t be! The biggest fungus of them all!”

Simmons kicks the can into a geothermal vent, where the heat promptly forces the pressurized tolnaftate to vaporize.

“First, the official antifungal of the National Athletic Trainer’s Association, then the world!” His cackling can be heard for miles.

11

Guys? Hello?

This reminds me of the time my mom accidentally lost me in the mall when I was three.

12

While Richard Simmons stand cackling with glee, a shadowy figure appears out of the fog.

Easily recognizable by the ditzy laugh, Suzeanne Somers swings into action. She traps Richard’s head between her thighs. While Richard stares in astonishment at his first female contact, Suzeanne puts her Thighmast experience to work and severs his head.

She stands exultantly in the sunlight.

Coming soon to a sig line near you!
Relive the mundane highs, the flaming lows, and the pointless posts in between. Announcing the debut of the best of Mullinator.

Because it’s not just a sig, it’s an adventure.

13

Damn, I wanted to use Ultra Man, but…

As Suzeanne stands triumphant, blonde hair shimmering in the sun, an old man quietly begins writing on a portable blackboard. Suzeanne spins around quickly, her eyes wild and her thighs rippling. “Who are you and what are you doing?” she demanded. The old man answered “My name is Albert Einstein. These numbers and symbols I have written represent the conclusive proof that a vaccuum cannot exist in nature.” As he makes his final chalk mark, completing the equation, Suzeanne’s pretty head violently implodes.

The old man smiles…

After all, what is your hosts’ purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. – P. J. O’Rourke

14

Suzanne stands triumphant, her platinum locks a poofy corona above her battle-worn face. She regards the carnage around her, sniffs, and exits stage left.

Little did she know that she walked into the wrong infomercial studio!

Ron Popeil and his faithful assistant stand before a gleeful audience, demonstrating the beauty of the Super Rotisserie-omatic 2000. “This is the best chicken I’ve ever tasted!” regales an audience member, as applause lights flash.

Suzanne stumbles confusedly toward the set, her thighs rubbing together. “Chiiiiicken…” she mumbles, her eyes glazing over.

“And that’s not all!” Popeil shrieks. “Order now, and you get the Ginsu 2X50! The sharpest, most durable electric ginsu knife ever sold on TV!” He plugs in the knife, and begins to carve the chicken, not noticing Suzeanne’s reaching fingers.

“Oh, Suzanne!” Ron coos, the hatred in his eyes speaking louder than his cordial words. “You’re just in time to help me test out the Jumbo Rotisserie-omatic 2000! Come right this way.” Popeil grabs Somers by her bleeding stump, and forces her into the large rotissierie oven. Somers shrieks, but her noises are smothered by the applause from the crowd. Spinning helplessly, she beats against the glass door, but to no avail. The 350-degree rotisserie oven soon begins to do its dirty work.

“In just a few hours, we’ll have a nutricious, delicious meal that the whole studio audience can enjoy!” Popeil cackles. “And just wait until you see how easy the cleanup is!”

15

So Ron Popeil and Albert Einstein decide that they make a pretty good team, seeing as they both simultaneously killed the former most powerful person in the world!

The two decide to team up, figuring that Einstein’s genius could be used for making new products, while Popeil’s marketing savy would enable them to sell their wares.

After several years of revolutionizing the informercial world, changing how housewives the world over viewed kitchen products, the close proximity the two worked to each other began to get to them.

Suddenly, the enevitable happened. They kissed, passionately, on national TV. Everyone was shocked, but it was meant to be - the two became gay lovers.

All was well until one day, while the two were laying in bed together at their estate, a figure which got past security made it’s menacing presence at them.

With a cowardly act befitting the creator of the godhatesfags.com website, the Reverend Fred Phelps kills them both as they sleep, screams that the Lords work has been done, and prays that the Lord shows him how to handle being the most powerful person in the universe!

Yer pal,
Satan

http://www.raleighmusic.com/board/Images/devil.gif

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
One week, one day, 18 hours, 29 minutes and 31 seconds.
350 cigarettes not smoked, saving $43.85.
Life saved: 1 day, 5 hours, 10 minutes.

16

Although the irony of God killing Fred Phelps would be great, I’ll resist.

Instead, it’ll have to be Bob the Convict, skilled at years of gang rape and raping his roommats, Bob sees Fred Phelps bending over, poking the two carcasses. He can’t resist. Phelps, being not so young as he once was, dies of Bongo Bongo.

I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.

17

Phelps continues life as usual, picketing anyone who seems to be friendly toward homosexuals in any way. While screaming insults at two four-year-old boys holding hands in a sandbox, a Deacon from his church mentions a horrible, Satan-spawned place in Colorado, one that goes so far as to assume that ANIMALS are gay, and should be treated the same as straight animals.

“This is an OUTRAGE!” Phelps sputters. “Charter me a plane to South Park immediately!”

Meanwhile…

Our friendly caretaker, Big Gay Al, is cleaning up the disco at Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Seems that the big gay llama couldn’t control its bowels again. Al whistles softly to himself as he pushes the mop.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings, playing the first few notes of “Feelings.”

“There mutht be thumone at the door!” Al lisps, prancing to greet his visitor. As he opens the door, he squeals “Hi, how are you?” to the unsuspecting Phelps, holding a “BURN IN HELL BIG GAY AL” sign.

“Um…fine, you Sodomite,” Phelps stammered. “I’m going to heaven, unlike the rest of you degenerates.”

Big Gay Al’s eyes narrowed. “This ithn’t very nithe! Thic’ 'em, Barbra!”

Out jumps a very pissed-off looking lion with very short index claws. The lion rears her head, growls, and with one snap of her formidable jaws, decapitates Reverend Phelps and begins munching on his head.

“Gay-bash THIS!” Al screams.

18

Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny are walking down the street outside of Big Gay Al’s Animal Sanctuary, and look inside to see a lion ripping off Fred Phelps’ head.

“Sweet!” says Cartman.

“Yeah, but I still have to wonder, what would Brian Boitano do?” asked Kyle.

“Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?” asked Stan.

Suddenly, Brian Boitano appeared on the sidewalk.

“This is tits, man,” yelled Cartman.

“How are you today?” asked Big Gay Al.

"How am I? I, who skated for the gold, doing two salcows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold, and who fought off grizzly bears using my magical fire breath, saving the maidens fair? I who traveled through time to the year 3010 to fight the evil robot king and save the human race again? I who built the pyramids and beat up Kublai Khan?

I’m fine. But I think I’ll kick an ass or two, cause that’s the sort of thing I’d do."

And with that, he defeated Big Gay Al to become the most powerful person in the world.

Sheesh! You’d think Scotty would have an extra set of dilithium crystals in his toolbox. But noooooo…

  • A Wally Sig
    Sunday: Observed the Sabbath by not being an asshole.
  • From Drain Bead’s Schedule
19

Oh, I totally forgot about Bob the Convict. He’s the 2nd ass that Brian Boitano kicked.

20

Brian was feeling pretty good about himself. He began doing a series of jumping jacks, and thus, didn’t hear the ominous hum of the machinery approaching. He turned just in time to hear the masculine voice of the disembodied head of Bea Arthur! Her head was mounted on the body of a T1000 robot!

“C’mere, you little punk!”
“No, it can’t be, the Golden Girl!”

With one swipe of her mechanical arm, she knocked Brian to the ground. He kicked futilely with his skates, but to no avail. He ended up stuffed and mounted on the wall of a nameless Florida condo.