. . . Claudia dropped her lipstick as she heard the shuffling of two walkers across the floor. Into the room came Arlene Francis—tossing a vase at Claudia, she distracted her just long enough for Kitty Carlisle Hart to leap out from behind the chiffarobe and bean Claudia over the head with a bottle of Eternity by Calvin Klein! The ladies gave each other a high-five and dumped Claudia’s teeny little body down the mail chute, then turned on the TV to see if she gets The Game Show Network.
The two women scuttle over to the door and open it forcibly. They look at the person standing at the door, and then look at each other and start to laugh. In front of them, wearing his white pants and shirt from the Olympics, along with a red tie, is Muhammad Ali. Ali stands there with one hand shaking and some drool dripping off his chin. The women stop laughing and at the same time punch Ali in the face. Ali falls back but catches himself on a decorative column in the hallway. He raises his shaking hand to his tie and flips it over. The women now have looks of terror in their eyes, for on the tie reads, “I sting like a BEE!”. Ali then pulls a can of African killer bees out of his pocket and opens the top.
Ali stands next to the bodies looking down on them, with a bit of drool hanging from his chin.
The once mighty Ali, drooling and sputtering, raises his arms in victory (or at least he made a valient attempt at it anyway) when suddenly his chest began to heave outward violently! Blood splattered his slready drool splattered Everlast sweat shirt, and an unspeakably horrible slime dripping alien popped from his chest!
But instead of the sky, he sees the prim silhouette of Miss Manners. “Wherever did you learn to eat like that?” she asks disapprovingly. “Where is the salad knife and the fish fork? Pshaw!” Shaking her heard in disgust, she drops an etiquette book in the hands of Baba Booey / Gary Dellabate, but the sheer massiveness of the weighty tome crushes him. In his fall, he also brings down Siegfied and Roy, who were rejoicing at their luck in being overlooked.
“Excuse fingers” Miss Manners says, as she pulls the etiquette book from the bloodied bodies. She stands alone, poised, distinguished, smiling, yet not overbearingly smug. She is now the Most Powerful Person in the World!
Just then, a screeching vocalization reaches her ears. She turns to see Courtney Love, in her usual state of dishevelment, bumping and grinding in her direction. “NO! Stay back!”. But too late. She implodes, leaving hardly a spot on the concrete, and leaving COURTNEY LOVE the most powerful person in the world.
Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else.
Courtney Love reaches into her dress, and pulls out a cigarette. Whilst fumbling around for a lighter, a man sidles up to her…
“How do you make your collect calls?” David Arquette immediately reaches into his pocket, and pulls out flannel numbers, which he affixes to her clingy dress.
“Who the hell are you,” Courtney screeches.
“Never mind that, just dial 1-800-CALL-ATT!”
With each digit, with each letter, David smashes his fists into her chest. The toxicity of the marijuana resin on his knuckles proves to be too much for even Courtney to stand, and she collapses to the ground, unconsious.
David Arquette immediately begins to giggle uncontrollably…
As Courtney Love stands laughing and the spot where Miss Manners stood, wiping her hand across her face and smearing her lipstick, she hears footsteps along the catwalk.
It’s the Victoria Secret supermodels, underwear in hand.
“No, no you cannot put drawers on the most powerful butt in the world!” cries Courtney. But it is too late. There is no more Love in the land. The supermodels stand triumphant, push-up bras in hand. . .
“Curse these interminable alternate universe posts! I tire of them!” a voice cries from down the hallway.
David Arquette and the Victoria’s Secret supermodels turn to look. There, clad in a red velvet smoking jacket, is the World’s Greatest Actor…
MASTER THESPIAN!
“Yes, 'tis I!” he declaims. “But I am not the one to defeat you! Lo, there he stands, behind you! Terrible to behold, fierce of mien and countenance!” So saying, he points behind the supermodels with trembling finger.
The supermodels, having between them an IQ of approximately 75, turn to look.
“HA! I fooled you! I was only… ACTING!” Master Thespian springs to action and clobbers the models with a blackjack repeatedly. The gory bloodsoaked brainmatter hardly shows against the fine cut of his jacket.
David Arquette, on the other hand, is not so easily tricked. He sees the blackjack in midswing, ducks, and rolls out of the way.
“Ha, a much more worthy opponent!” MT cries, and whips out two MAC-10s.
David Arquette explodes in a nasty ball of entrails and shredded flesh.
“Huzzah!” MT exclaims. “All hail Me, Most Powerful Master Thespian In The World!”
All I wanna do is to thank you, even though I don’t know who you are…
As MT stands there in all his glory, a cheesy, sleasy tune begins to permeate the air. From behind a green door pops the one and only Ron Jeremy. “So you think your a real acta, huh?” says Ron. “I am God”, says MT. Ron takes a look at MT’s guns, “Looks like you got two, small, quick firing guns there, huh?” At that moment Ron Jeremy whips out his giant penis and clobbers MT in the chest with it, causing massive trauma to his thoracic organs. Ron looks at the destruction he has caused, then looks at his penis and says, “Now that’s a gun!”
Until his penis is chopped in half by a crudely drawn hand.
“Who tha hell are you?” Ron sputters, clutching the blood soaked ruin that used to be The Most Pwoerful dick In The World.
“Hong Kong Fuey, at your service”, the masked dag said, just before administering the Hand Of Death to ron, removing his heart and showing it to him as he dies.
But Scrappy is about to find that evilness does not protect you from bullets. A guitar chord is heard, a single shot rings out, Scrappy falls dead, and the world rejoices. His killer steps out and reveals his identity:
James slowly swirls his sixth martini, shaken, not stirred, and looks around for his mandatory love interest. He knows he’s living on the edge and that his status as most powerful being must be challenged, but will he find a babe first? He shudders, wondering if he’ll be attacked by Dr. Ruth or possibly The Supremes. But no, it’s…the Lollipop Guild. With their striped shorts and leotards and insipid squeaky voices, they mob 007 and beat him to a sticky, sweet death with their giant, saliva soaked suckers. James is too stunned, not to mention inebriated, and makes only a token resistance. The trio of munchkins reign.
Inconceivable? I don’t think that word means what you think it does.
As the trio gleefully start to sing, they are shocked to see a whole mess of Furbies coming their way. With no escape in sight, they prepare for their destiny. Alas, the furbies chew the Lollipop Guild to death and sit down as the most powerful toys in the world.
This is the most exciting thing I’ve seen since Halley’s Comet collided with the moon.
. . . Bob looked more closely and realized that was not his TV wife at all in bed with him—it was another t.v., the great Lypsinka! Pulling off his wig, The Lyp stifled Newhart’s ineffectual, muffled cries.
“Aha!” cried The Lyp (to a pre-recording by the late Lana Turner), “I am at last the most powerful drag queen in the world!”
As Lypsinka casually strolled down the street, still lip-synching to a bad recording, “she” rounded a corner only to be confronted by a shadowy figure in 3 1/2 inch stilletos–actually singing somebody else’s music.
“Yeah
You know you are a - a cute little heart breaker
Foxy lady
And you know you are a - a sweet little love maker
Foxy lady
I wanna take you home
I won’t do you no harm - no
You’ve got to be all mine all mine
Foxy Lady”
That’s right, Lypsinka was suddenly confronted by MEGA-star RuPaul… RuPaul quickly removed a stilleto, and the sheer threat was enough to send Lypsinka running and screaming hysterically. Finally, RuPaul had conquered the world, and the end was surely near.