We need a new perspective in our Holiday films. It’s A Wonderful Life is a wonderful film and all, but it doesn’t relate to the realities of the 21st century.
So what new films with a modern sensibility could be made?
I propose: A John Wick Christmas.
Russian mobsters shoot and wound Santa, kill Rudolph, and steal the sleigh on Christmas Eve. John snaps, because his childhood was so troubled that his only escape was in Christmas, and now that’s been nearly taken away. So he stashes Santa at the Continental to be treated by the house doctor, and he and a wisecracking elf, or perhaps a precocious child, go on a killing rampage to retrieve the sleigh. The last words of the head mobster are “It’s just a fucking reindeer!”
Then since Santa is still recuperating, John and the elf/child have to take the sleigh and deliver all the toys. A heartwarming film for the whole family!
The aging (but Intrepid) crew of the USS Enterprise T go back in time to the point where Santa makes the fateful decision to move his consciousness into a robot body. Their mission is to prevent him from completing the transfer, thereby saving countless people from needless deaths every future Christmas.
Guest appearances by Fry, Leela and Bender.
A man’s wife dies, and his faith in everything goes to hell. He dives into addiction and bad behavior, but then, two weeks before Christmas, he begins to get odd text messages that seem to be coming from someone impersonating his dead wife. He tries unsuccessfully to find out who is sending them, and hires a cyber detective to identify the person. As Christmas gets closer, the texts become more personal, and he slowly begins to believe that it is actually his dead wife communicating with him. The detective, meanwhile, is led ever northward in his pursuit of the source, and the husband chases after him.
The Solstice Alien re-visits Earth for the first time in 2000+ years and announces he is going to wipe out every vestige of the holiday season because we can’t shut our mouths about the “War on Xmas, et al.” Eventually, everybody shuts the hell up and learns to appreciate what we have. For now.
A spaceship filled with aliens that resemble spruce and pine trees lands in Japan and wreaks revenge for the annual wholesale slaughter of their Terran brethren. Gamera awakens to save Japan from this danger. There might be a cameo appearance by Godzilla.
I Was An Elf For The FBI
In the late 1960s, after getting numerous reports about a long haired and bearded (he’s a pacifist!) elf who goes around wearing a red suit (he’s a communist) crossing international and state borders breaking in to people’s homes and leaving packages from who knows where (what’s in that pipe he smokes, anyway?), J. Edgar Hoover assigns an FBI agent to pose as an elf and infiltrate this international drug trafficking conspiracy.
Santa and the Great Peril
Santa faces Great Peril as he goes to deliver presents to the Castle Anthrax as each of the 8 score young female blondes from ages 16 to 19 1/2 sit on his lap and tell him what she wants from him for Christmas.
9 year old Ralph Parker wants nothing more than a Nerf blaster for Holiday, but his mom keeps reminding him “you’ll keep perpetuating gun culture and also as a lesser concern maybe shoot your eye out”. Meanwhile, his father is nowhere to be seen as he is a deadbeat. His younger brother Randy refuses to eat, because he is worried about the plight of migrant workers. In class, when Ralph writes an essay on what he wants for Holiday and mentions the Nerf blaster, he is suspended from school due to zero tolerance. When he fights back against the school bully, he gets expelled because he’d already had a suspension on record, and the bully is both african american and GBLT, thus it is considered a hate crime. Everything seems bad for poor Ralphie until, when bringing home the Holiday tree, a tire goes flat. How is that good? While changing the tire his mother doesn’t get mad when he says the F dash dash dash word upon dropping the nuts, saying children should be free to express themselves and swear words are just a social construct forced upon them by the patriarchy, and besides soap in the mouth is child abuse. Finally Holiday day arrives and Ralphie finds that instead of presents his mother has made donations to various liberal charities in his name. For dinner they go to a vegan cafe and eat tofu.
Christmas is Cancelled
Santa has a fatal heart attack the day before Christmas Eve. Mrs Claus panics and cancels Christmas, but the elves protest and desperately try to get things back on track. Chaos ensues, and for the first time in memory, the entire world goes without any gifts.
Starring Jeffrey Tambor as Santa, Sigourney Weaver as Mrs Claus, and Seth Green, Kate Micucci, Kristin Chenoweth, Elijah Wood, Kristin Bell, and Anna Kendrick as the elves.
When a flying sleigh is mistaken for a north Korean missile and shot down, the elves swear bloody vengeance on humans. Directed by Michael Bay. Starring Ben Affleck, Rhianna and Steven Seagal as Santa.
I would watch the hell out of that.
A pair of Amish lovers part ways during their Rumspringa, with him staying Amish, getting married, and tending his kids and herds after his wife dies in childbirth. She heads to New York and becomes a cutthroat investment lawyer divorcee. This Christmas, their paths cross again, and a centrist hollywood treacly message has the Amish dad and kids discovering secular christmas music, presents under the tree, and elf on the shelf, while she recalls the joys of cuddly baby animals, free time, and love that isn’t motivated by her 6-figure bank account.