Here’s how we did it. Baby gets put in rock-and-play at 11:00. Mom and Dad go to sleep at 11:30. The first time that baby starts crying, Dad gets up, changes his diaper, and bottle-feeds him. Dad then puts him back to sleep. The second time that baby starts crying, Mom changes him and breast-feeds him. The third time, it’s Dad’s turn again. (But actually we were lucky, there rarely was a third time.)
Yeah, whatever works for you is great. A clearly-defined parent “on-point” certainly helps a lot. Whether it’s time based or task-based or whatever. Parent who’s job/turn it is just does it, and the other parent doesn’t have to feel guilty for staying in bed (or whatever)
In our case, I can fall back asleep very quickly and my wife has a harder time. So I’m the first responder for all nighttime needs, with her handling only breastfeeding.
Another thing I noticed with our friends who have babies: Make sure that Dad is regularly putting the baby to bed. Not necessarily every night, but often enough that, when Mom wants to go out for an evening, it’s not total chaos because the baby has never fallen asleep at night without Mom. All our friends went through that, and we didn’t even notice it because I was putting the baby to sleep about half the time.
My wife a baby would go to sleep at around 7:00. Three hours later at around 10 I’d make up a bottle and quietly sneak into the room. I’d change, swaddle and have the bottle in their mouths before they registered what what happening. After they finished the bottle I’d could lay them down and they would drift off to sleep without a sound. The next feeding was at around 1:00 and my wife would handle that, but I at least bought her 6 hours of uninterupted sleep.
A few thoughts:
From what I understand there is a pretty big schism between demand feeders and schedule feeders. This advice should work for both schools but as we all know, new parents can be opinionated.
The key is feeding the baby before it wakes up. If they wake up at 2 hours and 45 minutes instead of three hours then spend a week feeding them 2 hours and 30 minutes from when you put them down and then elongate it from there.
When my daughter was fresh and tiny, I felt like I had to manage EVERYTHING. Then, my mother-in-law came and she just took care of things. She didn’t ask what I needed to have done. She saw the need and she took care of it. Baby needs a diaper, she’d change that diaper. Food needs made, she made the food. It took so much stress off of me. My husband still hasn’t picked up on this.
Which leads to my other bit of advice - Let mom know it’s ok to not be perfectly in love with everything that is happening. Let mom know it’s ok to cry and be frustrated and to not understand. Look for signs of mental illness and let mom know that she’s not a long and that it is ok to get help. I had unhealthy levels of anxiety that I never got help for and I suffered needlessly for it. We don’t talk about mental illness at normal times and we seem to have this image of what postpartum is supposed to look like. It can look like a lot of things. And its ok.
I always loved the little things, like someone bringing me Starbucks or take-out for dinner. Also, if you’re there over a meal time, hold the baby for them, so they can eat unencumbered for one meal. I ate so many meals one-handed in those first few months. My son hated his swing and would only calmly lay down if he was sleepy. (My daughter wasn’t as bad.)
Before you come over, ask if there’s anything you can pick up for them. Getting to the store can be a bit of a hassle at first, so if they need a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread, graciously pick it up for the.
Now that it’s warm out, offer to help in their garden. Bending over to pick weeds was a big no-no after I gave birth to my son (I had a C-Section). Bring out a chair for Mom so she can snuggle the baby and chat while you pull some weeds for her.
A lot of the obvious ones have been said, but I totally agree that laundry and bringing meals helps. Take the baby for a bit so she can take a long, hot shower while he gets some work done.
Give her a sleep shift. Example: If Dad gets home at 5:30, then from 6 until 2AM should be Mom’s chance to get uninterrupted sleep and Dad should handle all baby crying.
In my experience, it worked better when mom could get a full 8 hour shift of not having any baby duties. She doesn’t have to sleep but she probably will. A full 8 hour shift is so much more welcome than a couple hours here and there.
This. My wife took the first shift, and after 2:00am it was my turn.
“Code brown” is your call to man up. Change the diaper already.
Repeat after me “I have a stroller and I’m not afraid to use it.” Kid’s awake, then into the stroller/pram/whatever and go for a looooooooong walk. Have the blankets, nappies, soother, whatever stuff stocked. Bottle will stay room temp if it’s inside your shirt. Start walking and don’t come back for a few hours. Most stroller have a couple of those “Daddy’s helper” beer can holders mounted on the handlebars. I took my eldest, and, 4.5 years later, my twins out for hours long walks in Shanghai. I swear, even a decade later, there are many square miles of Shanghai neighborhoods that would recognize me walking thru today. The babies love the motion, Dad needs the exercise, the house gets an hour or three of peace and quiet. After work, early morning, weekends, it’s all good.