Apocrypha Ecclesiasticus 30, Paragraph 22: ‘Gladness of the heart is the light of Man.’ Now, this is one of the ‘rejoicing,’ or ‘happy’ texts. A young member of our parish informed me that there are 800 such happy texts in the Bible. Well, she was wrong. There are, to be exact, 826. I know, because I stayed up most of last night counting them. I intend to read one every week. And that should take us, by my calculations, through sixteen years… if I’m around here that long. But I can promise you this, if I am here: our visits with God on Sunday are going to be happier, and more rejoicing too. What I have to say now is very difficult for me, but must be said. I look out to you now, and realize, after four years in this congregation, I don’t even know you. I look out to you now, not as my congregation, but as people. And I say to myself, how sad it is to have missed those four years… four years when we could have been friends. I should have been looking for the good in you, and I… I failed you… and I apologize for this. God is forgiving, but it’s not God’s forgiveness I beg, it is yours. I’m not going to speak about this any more now. It’s a lovely day outside. So let’s go out and enjoy this Sunday for a change. And while you’re out appreciating the sunlight, just give a little thought to who’s sending it down to you.
I could write shorter sermons but when I get started I’m too lazy to stop.
Oh, he gave me special instructions back of the pulpit Christmas Eve. He got to howlin’ “Repent! Repent!” and I got to moanin’ “Save me! Save me!” and the first thing I know he rammed the fear of God into me so fast I never heard my old man’s footsteps!
Jake: YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST… I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!
My mind is in darkness.
One has only to see your dear face to know how near you are to heaven.
We’re No Angels
Somewhere up in heaven there’s an angel with big ears.
I think I will have seen most everything when I see an elephant fly.
This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.
You smoke that shit, everything kind of gets weird, you know what I mean?
She’s a dog person, Max. And dog people do weird, inexplicable things. Like… they get dogs instead of cats.
It just seems like a weird thing to do, bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.
I’ve got a sheep dog.
…you guys wasn’t gettin’ paid to leave the dogs baby-sit the sheep while you stemmed the rose.
I always wondered what you straight guys did together. Oh, now that I know, I’m so glad I’m gay.
Any one of you homos putcha hands on me…and I kill ya …
Put your hands on me, Jack.
Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!
You’re a hot dog, but you better not hurt her, Frankfurter!