New Health Risk: Spamblockers
Lansing, MI (AP)—Grenadine “Mother” Coots, great-grandmother of forty-four, was gunned down yesterday outside her home in Bad Axe, Michigan, by beligerant spammers, alleges the Bad Axe Chief of Police. “The department, i.e. me, is going to work on this case with out rest until it, that is the department, i.e. me, collapses of exhaustion. Obviously, we hope to catch the culprit within the next couple of days.”
Mother Coots’s murder is but one of a string of violent and seemingly random murders taking place across the globe. According to Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge, spammers have taken their email extortion scams to unheard of levels. “What is most disturbing about this,” Ridge said Tuesday, “Is that the criminals don’t consider whether the prolific use of spamblockers are preventing the targets from even getting the threats in the first place.”
Two hours after Ridge’s statements, this pattern was taken to even new levels when an eleven year old Guatemalan boy was killed in a car-bombing in Cobán, Guatemala. Shortly after the explosion claimed the boy’s life, the Huehuetenango Daily Post received a telephone call from a woman claiming to be responsible for the attack. “If he didn’t want to die, then he should have gotten an email account!!” she shouted through a bullhorn over the phone. Fortunately, the woman’s apartment was next to the Hueuetenango police headquarters and by her twelfth call to the eleventh newspaper (she had one misdial) the police were able to locate her from her amplified voice coming from the apartment.
Having anticipated this sort of technological terrorism, the Central Intelligence Agency has leaped into action, according to a White House spokesperson early this morning. “The CIA has developed a spam message,” she said, “That causes a lethal electrocution through the mouse when the spam is opened.” Unfortunately, the CIA has been unable to track the culprits. This has not stopped the Administration, however. Under executive order #78526585, titled “Operation I Swear This Isn’t A Crusade, Honest!” the National Security Agency is sending the counter-spam to any email address with a “Muslim-sounding name.”