Niblets, I love you, I remember the very first time I met you. I was eight years old visiting my aunt for the first time on an unusually cold Thanksgiving Day. You were sitting there at the adult’s table, where I was allowed to sit for this special visit. When you were passed to me, I thought you were like all the rest, boring and lacking any substance, so I passed. My dearest Uncle Bill thought I passed on you because you were too heavy to allow me to help myself so he placed a spoonful on the MY plate, at that moment I was not happy. How dare this man that I had meet just one hour before assume I would like you. After all the delicious food was passed around, I asked for butter and salt, anything to make you edible. He whispered to me ‘try it before put all that junk on your corn’, the insolence of this man I thought. I wanted to get you off my plate so I could enjoy the rest of my selections. I put as much on my fork as I could and shoved it in my mouth, never before was a item grown from soil so flavorful, its closest I would come to a mouthgasm for more than a decade, I was smitten, weak in my knees and blessed with a memory I would never forget, bless Uncle Bill.
The next time I was with my mother in a grocery store I begged my mother to buy some of that magical corn, she claimed ‘they don’t have that here, it’s only sold in the rich part of CT’ then watched her throw the same old regular flavorless corn in the cart. I asked if Santa could bring it with him, she said ‘Santa can’t grow corn in the north pole’ I was devastated but knew this could not be, someone SOMEONE must have it. I let it slide for many months, my mother thought I would forget, but I did not, would not. She told me to get ready to leave, IGA has opened a store in the town to the north, I thought maybe, just maybe my prayers would be answered. We arrived at the store a short while later, I made a beeline to the canned goods aisle. There it was, shining like the sun thru a cloud, Niblets Sweet Corn, I grabbed two cans and ran to my mother screaming ‘THEY HAVE IT THEY HAVE IT’. My mother promptly dashed my dreams though, telling me to be quiet and put it back where I got it, I whined, I pleaded, I threw a temper tantrum, nothing would change her mind. I did not give up hope, I thought I could wait till Thanksgiving for such bliss, never again would we visit Aunt Millie and sweet Uncle Bill.
It was nearly ten years before I moved out of my parent’s house and free of their corn based dictatorship. I did not have car and very little money but knew what needed to be done. I put on two pairs of jeans, boots, parka, gloves and braved the New England winter. I trekked three miles to Stop n Shop just to pick up a flat of Niblets (and ramen noodles), after I purchased my precious Niblets I began the trek back to my apartment with 11.48lbs of deliciousness in my backpack. I got home and, despite my aching back and feet, heated up a can on the hot plate and took a spoonful, bliss wonderfully corny bliss. I would take you to work with me and put you in my desk to eat as a snack when forced to stay late despite all the nasty comments from the engineers. I would protect you from being defiled by butter, or roasted to death in a potpie or any of the many abominable things the others would do to you.
So after eight years of a steady blissful relationship why have you decided to hurt me? You have begun to hang out with husks and silk and kernels unfit to be in your presence. You have even changed your appearance now, your can used to be perfect for rolling out bisquick dough, now you just squish and cut the dough, I was forced to clean out my chock full o’nuts coin can to roll out the dough to make pigs in a blanket. I have even had to rededicate the official corn heating pan to be the official coffee reheating pan since you no longer come with enough water to be heated on the stovetop. Unfortunately, I must end our relationship, you have caused too much pain and changed too much for me to continue loving you.
Always yours,
Alienhand