They’re trying to kill me. Last year the sidewalks leaped out at me, unprovoked, and broke my elbow and several ribs. Then, last night, one of them pushed me into an overhanging curb and broke the big toe on my left foot. It’s because I’m Jewish, I’m sure of it—sidewalks hate Jews. They don’t care that I’m an atheist; they’re like Hitler. It’s the only possible explanation.
Now I’m hobbling around like Walter Brennan, only with a lot more cursing. If I’m found dead, I want you to make sure the sidewalks are taken into custody.
Sidewalks must be very vindictive. I swear, you’re lucky you didn’t fall while walking in Charleston. The sidewalks there hate tourists. I used to see the sidewalks intentionally tripping people up all the time.
Maybe you should try some subterfuge Eve. Try dressing like a Catholic or Baptist and see if the sidewalks leave you alone. If they do then, sue the bastards sidewalks and take them for all they’ve got. Leave ‘em nuthin’ but a lousy curb.
In the very town where I live—now I know why I’m the only Jew there. The rest of them were pushed into the path of speeding cars by Jew-hating sidewalks.
You sure you weren’t doing any fancy walking on those sidewalks? Some sidewalks get mighty uppity if someone tries to mosey, swagger, or galavant about.
Could those evil people who talk on cell phones be secretly laying anti-semetic concrete slabs between your house and the train station while you sleep? (Those Fiends!!!)
Avoid sidewalks on streets with suspicious names, for instance Maim the Semite Blvd, Auschwitz Avenue or Pogrom Place.
Consider the possibility of a conspiracy - where there is an anti-Semitic sidewalk, how can their not be collusion by intolerant roots and moss? If there is mystery moisture present on the sidewalk for you to slip on, then it, too, must be held accountable. And finally, just because the fire hydrants, curbs and lampposts may not be actively anti-Semitic, their lack of intervention must be viewed with contempt. Avoid them all.
Can you get some forged papers to smuggle yourself out of Jersey? I know they keep the borders locked up tight, but maybe you can stowaway on board a chemical tanker - there are a lot of those passing through NJ, right?
Have you considered how this relates to NJ’s new preeminence in the world of Hockey? Just a thought…there’s a lot of maiming in hockey…
Well, at least it gave me an excuse to go out at lunchtime and buy some Emergency Sandals. I can walk again!
You know . . . Both my mother and sister have broken their legs being pushed by sidewalks. Is this an anti-Jewish campaign—or a plot to kill my entire family?!
I used to see the sidewalks intentionally tripping people up all the time.