No, dammit! I don't know where she is!

The BBQ Pit
1

My office is right next to the lady in Accounts Payable who is in charge of the company expense reports. A lot of people want to make sure they get their money back as soon as possible, so they like to hand deliver them to her. Quite often she is not in her office, usually due to some useless meeting or whatever. Without fail, they always walk into my office and ask me, “Do you know where Cheryl is?”

Look, assface. I don’t even work in the same department as she does. She doesn’t keep me informed of her whereabouts. Besides, if you put the form in her mailbox, one of her people will process it for you before the day is out. Can’t you just stick it under her door or something? You’re $21.00 expense report for doughnuts really isn’t that vital in the grand scheme of things. I don’t care if we can bill the client for it. If you’re personal finances are so fucked up that you need to get $21.00 right away, then you need to just declare bankrupcy and go walk off a cliff. You are merely polluting the gene pool.

Yet another reason I work with headphones.

2

Amen! I hate proximity-logic like this.

If I may add to the rant, all clue-free office nomads please note: merely because I sit next to the copier does not mean that I am intimately acquainted with its use, nor that I am interested in helping you clear a paper jam or set thip crinkle and spoit to “no”. Please fuck off. Also, while I work next to the CD library, that does not mean you can shout at me when the search database goes down out of hours. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, and frankly I am glad that you are unable to locate Britney’s arse with both hands. Please fuck off also, and take this dazed, toner-stained bozo with you.

Thank you.

3

You’re a fan of Dilbert I take it?

4

Although I was secretary to two partners in a law firm, I happened to sit just outside the offices of the business manager and the personnel manager of the firm. Needless to say, people asked for one or the other dozens of times every day. I finally designed and printed up a nice little sign and posted it on my ledge:

I DO NOT KNOW WHERE SALLY OR CHRISTY ARE!

Eventually the interruptions slowed to a trickle, although a few knuckleheads apparently couldn’t read.

5

At my old job in a medical center, our department was located on the first floor of the building, near the doorway. This meant that people entering decided to use us as an information desk. You’d also get the people who needed to call their medical transport services to come pick them up, because they didn’t have money for the lobby pay phone or were too lazy to spend for one.

We also had one old woman who would walk in to our private office area and use our bathroom. (It used to be a public clinic area, but the signs outside clearly stated that they’d moved, and all the furniture was different, no waiting room chairs and so forth. My guess is that this is how she knew we had one.) She’d come in about every other month. Never mind that there were public bathrooms down the hall, she’d just walk right in and use ours. Attempts to call out to her (you had to get around a desk area to intercept her) were futile - she was either hard of hearing or ignoring us. We were baffled enough to just sit there and not confront her on the way out, and could never intercept her in time beforehand. I was laid off before too many of these incidents happened, so I don’t know if she was stopped.

6

My oldest sister is a Pharmacist.
You wouldn’t believe some of the things she tells me: People’s really, really dumb questions.

On one occasion, it was really busy. Running non-stop. Not only she has to deal with preparing and verifying medications for the clients who are there, but also answering to clients on phone, preparing orders for pickups, etc. You get the pic.

There’s one lady client who, took a shampoo bottle from the cosmetic section of the store, walked pass the cosmetic counter, demanded her attention rudely.

What she wanted to know? If this line of shampoo won’t make her hair fall out.

And I certainly don’t know where all the staff members are through the day, since I’m behind the counter all the time.

If you find this more of a customer rant and shouldn’t be in this thread, then I apologize in advance

7

I HATE that question!!! “Where is so and so??” Always makes me want to say: “If she were up your ass, you’d know” I hate my coworkers, so it’s ok. They deserve all the childish snarkiness I can deliver. I’m normally very helpful to the outside world.

I mean, people, just think for two seconds. That person is not in their chair. Is their computer on? Well, that means they havent left for the day. Look at your watch. If its anywhere between 11:50 and 2:30, they could be at lunch. They could just be taking a damn piss for the love of Mike!

I’m with ya, DeadBadger. I sit next to the printer for our floor. Only 4 people use it, including me, but I get so pissed when this happens [at least three times a week]:

Old Fart comes by and stares at printer:
“Hmmm, I printed a few minutes ago, why hasnt it come out?”

Asking no one in particular, but meaning to catch my attention and interrupt me for the eleventeenth time.

I turn and roll my chair over and read the screen: Paper Jam.

I say it out loud: “There’s a Paper Jam, Roy.” I roll back over to my desk.

“Huh.” he says, Bends over, peering at the sides and back of the printer for some answer there. Now mind you, I’ve shown him how to clear a jam three times a week for the past 18 months, but apparently retention is not in the cards for him.

I roll back over, open the top of the printer, pull out the paper tray, clear whatever is stuck, close everything. Then he stands there WHISTLING until his crap prints and he toddles away.

find a happy place…find a happy place…

8

There is one guy in my office who always asks where so-and-so is. I tell him that he must have gotten off his leash. DAILY! He doesn’t get it.

9

I was always told to look up and answer, “Why… was it my day to watch her?”

10

The only question I don’t like is “Can I ask you a question?”

My standard reply is now “You’re not really giving me a choice in the matter are you sunshine?”

11

I don’t have anything add here, I’m just wondering if any of y’all knew where Cecil was?

12

Small rant: I’m an assistant, and occasionally one of our editors will come to me to make a copy of something that is only two pages. Ok, in the time it took her to walk her scrawny ass over here to ask me to do it, she could have had it done. I’m convinced she doesn’t know how to use the copier.

(I’m up for a promotion and I really hope I get it. I can’t assist much longer.)

13

I used to have a co-worker who would tell me everything on her mind. Everything.

“I broke a nail.”
“I out of staples.”
“I’m in the mood for pizza.”
“I lost my pen.”
“I need to make an eye appointment.”
“My pants are too tight.”
“I need to shave my legs when I get home.”

Now, I talk to myself all the time. Quietly - to myself. But she wasn’t talking to herself. She was talking to me.

It got to the point where I just ignored her and grunted when she’d talk. I realized how bad it had gotten when she told me a plane had just flown into the WTC.

I grunted and thought (to myself, luckily) ‘Planes fly into that thing all the time. Just shut up. I’m trying to work here.’ It took me 45 minutes to realize that it was an actual serious issue she was telling me about this time. For 45 minutes I worked while everyone else in the office stood around the TV.

When I think about that, I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

14

Indygrrl, if you get that promotion, I guarantee that you will immediately lose your ability to use a copier.

I used to be an assistant. I’ve been “staff.” Then I was promoted to management. Within seconds of my promotion, I lost my ability to send a fax. I try to walk my happy ass over to the machine and fax things for myself, but after several tries, I give up in frustration and hand it over to my assistant. I think she actually gloats that her manager is such an idiot she has to send my faxes for me. (Although I suspect she secretly knows some code that senses management fingers touching the fax so it stops working as soon as I touch it. This means job security to her and bragging rights, of course.)

I’m hoping for a demotion soon. I’m afraid if I’m promoted again, I’ll suddenly lose my ability to read and send my own e-mail, or forget to put on clothes in the morning. Or lose the ability to find my staff (all of whom sit right outside my office)… I call this my Inverse IQ Management Theory. For every promotion, you will lose 10 IQ points.

Luckily (Dilbert reference), I got a claim check for my soul – and my IQ – in case I learn to play sax or get demoted. The minute it happens, I’m convinced I’ll suddenly be able to use the fax machine again, my IQ will go back to its previous level the sun will shine and the birds will sing. Should you be offered a promotion, be sure to get a claim check.

In the meantime, has anybody seen Lord Ashtar? He was right here a minute ago…

15

When I was a graduate student, I had an office about the size of a broom closet that was situated between the two elevators in the Arts and Sciences building. For some reason, everyone thought this was the janitor’s office. I would constantly have someone knocking on my door, asking if I had found a book in one of the classrooms or if I could clean the vomit from room 203 (don’t ask), or whatever.

However, to give the little freshmen pea brains a break, I’m sure most janitors keep two shelves of books, a computer on their desk top, and posters of anthropology exhibits . . .

16

Tell! Tell!

17

Maybe because it doesn’t happen that often to me, I really don’t mind if someone’s looking for the person whose desk is across from me. I mean, it takes 1 minute to say, “She was just here a minute ago, but I don’t know where she went,” or “No, I haven’t seen her since lunch,” or “Yes, she was going to get a fax,” or whatever. So I get a reputation as being a friendly and helpful person. That doesn’t hurt in the slightest the next time I need a favor.

18

When I used to get questioned about the other denizens of our very mixed office suite at the medical school, my stock answer was “She went to take a shit and the hogs ate her.”

Those of you old enough to remember Ellyn Burstyn in “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Any More” might recognize the source.

19

ARrrrgggh, Our company used to be in Suite 100 on the first floor too. And we were located right next to the School District’s union liason office.

Of course they were out seeing clients half of the time so their office would be closed.

We would get people in all the time that would not just ask if we knew where they were, but would argue that since we were right next to them we SHOULD know.

One guy decided he was going to wait for them in our office and helped himself to a week’s worth of candy from our admin person’s desk, all the while harrassing her because she didn’t know their hours or who he could call.

He finally wandered off just before she called security.

It was also the location for an insurance company before we moved in. At first we’d hand out little sheets with the new address to clients coming in looking for them.

But after we’d been there for three years, we STILL had people coming in trying to find the insurance office and honestly NOT believing that we had no idea where they were.

20

Have I read too much Onion, or is it normal for the first sentence in the OP make you think how much Accountz Reeceevable rules over the Accountz Payable?