So here I am, a die-hard Mountain Dew[sup]TM[/sup] drinker. Absolutely love the stuff. Have it with my breakfast every day instead of coffee, in fact. I do worry about my sugar intake, so I once tried diet Mountain Dew[sup]TM[/sup]. Sadly, it tasted like Radioactive Bat Piss[sup]TM[/sup] (as opposed to regular Mountain Dew[sup]TM[/sup], which just looks like Radioactive Bat Piss[sup]TM[/sup]).
Anyway, a couple of months ago I went to the office cafeteria to get my daily fix of the Heavenly Green Stuff[sup]TM[/sup] and discovered – much to my horror and deep consternation – that they were out! They did have plenty of Dr Pepper[sup]TM[/sup] on hand, however. Now, I should mention that I am NOT a fan of colas, and have always avoided Dr Pepper because of a misconception that it was, in fact, Just Another Cola[sup]TM[/sup]. However, I remembered recently reading on this very message board that Dr Pepper[sup]TM[/sup] was not, in fact, Just Another Cola[sup]TM[/sup] after all, and so I decided to give it a try. And waddayaknow, it was pretty darn tasty! Not as tasty as the Emerald Elixir of Life-Giving Goodness[sup]TM[/sup] that is my normal quotidian quaff, mind you, but pretty darn tasty nonetheless.
Still with me? Just checking?
Well, I’m still concerned about my sugar intake. My father has diabetes, as well as my older brother, and I’ve had the old Hairs Standing Up On The Back Of My Neck[sup]TM[/sup] feeling lately that The Fates[sup]TM[/sup] have their crosshairs centered on me. And so, I decided that I would try Diet Dr Pepper[sup]TM[/sup] today instead of Mountain Dew[sup]TM[/sup]. After all, I’ve seen those commercials where they say that, unlike other diet sodas, Diet Dr Pepper[sup]TM[/sup] really tastes like the regular version. And commercials wouldn’t lie, would they?
Well, my bretheren (and sisteren, I suppose), I’m here to tell you that commercials do indeed lie! Diet Dr pepper[sup]TM[/sup] is just as sickeningly sweet and cloying as any other diet soda out there, with a nasty Nutrasweet[sup]TM[/sup] induced aftertaste to boot.
Sure, I can try to return the bottle to the cafeteria and get my $1.31 back, but what price can be put on my hopes and dreams of avoiding diabetes and living a long and productive life?
Damn you, Diet Dr Pepper[sup]TM[/sup]! Damn You To Hell[sup]TM[/sup]!
Barry