Beautiful.
And I’m sitting here at work reading this thread while the unmistakable smell of burnt (but not burnING) popcorn wafts under my snooter.
I strongly approve of the OP. It has everything I’ve been taught in grad school and continuing education regarding time management and leadership (absolutely serious here). I had HR people at my last job telling me (and my coworkers) that if you want respect, if you want bigger and better responsibility, then ignore the bullshit. Straight out ignore it - if you get called on it by superiors, then ask if they would like Big Important Job worked on or Bullshit Busywork worked on. 95% the time, they want you working on Big Important Job and will find a slacker to do the busywork. And it seems like a threshold of separating the wheat from the chaff is to have everyone submit to a “Can you pop microwave popcorn without the assistance of the fire department?” test is reasonable.
I agree with whoever said that someone must be purposely setting the popcorn fires. How often can it happen accidentally?
See, the problem here is you are assuming a theoretical maximum for bone stupid, and ignoring the fact that going to three different buildings to set fires deliberately greatly exceeds the observed levels of tree-stump lazy in the subject population. The alternate theory that there are several co-operating Pyrocorniacs assumes levels of initiative, and communication not previously observed in the target work place.
Tris
I could maybe buy that if I didn’t already know that there are thousands of people within just a few miles of me that make popcorn every day without setting fires.
Is it possible that the level of stupidity corralled by your employer is that much higher than the average?
OK, confession time.
You see, I thought that the button marked “Popcorn” was connected to some actual technology. (As opposed to being the automatic pre-set for 2 minutes 40 seconds I later found it to be.) How difficult could it be, I reasoned, to install a device that responds to the sound of popcorn popping and turns the microwave off when it slows down to a certain pace? that must be what this is.
And I had used that button hundreds of times with no ill effect: perfect popcorn, every time, no action from me required at all.
But I was trying to reduce calories you see, so when I saw the small-serving bags of popcorn at the dollar store I thought “This! this is perfect! I can still get my popcorn fix, but for only :: turns bag over and squints :: 100 calories! Hurrah!!!”
So when I put the bag into the microwave and pressed [Popcorn] I had no compunction whatsoever about turning to speak with the proposal manager who was desperate for clarification of my subcontractors blended labor rate. Nor was I concerned at all when I walked into the proposal center with her to show her the spreadsheet formulas she needed.
And when I came back out to get my popcorn, I complained to the safety officer in the hall about the smoke, and asked if we needed to evacuate. “No,” said he, “it’s just some idiot who has burned something in the microwave.” I thought, “Oh great, now I’ll never get my popcorn. . .”
Totally. F’ing. Clueless. And yes, I’m the manager of the team whose offices are across the hall from the kitchen.
I will never hear the end of this. There’s not enough :smack: in cyberspace to convey my feelings.
Later that week, back at home, I learned that there is no amount of vigilance on the part of the consumer which will prevent these tiny bags from igniting when you put them in the micrwave. They are on fire within about 45 seconds, and before the popcorn has even begun to pop in earnest.
That should inform your perspective on what 2 minutes forty seconds was able to accomplish.
Experiment: push the “Popcorn” button more than once. The display may change, showing a different bag size. I believe that on our microwave, pushing the button rotates through a 3.0 ounce bag, 2.5 ounce bag, and 1.7 ounce bag. I’ll wager you just had it set too high.
Perhaps, and I’ll try that if I ever get up the courage to bring popcorn to the office again. But these particular bags just ignite before the popcorn is finished popping. It’s the Dollar Store’s fault, I tells ya!
Now you’ve gone over the Pyrocorniacs’ skill level. One button to push, then walk away - anything else is asking too much. You have to remember, these people we’re talking about are the same ones who can’t figure out to clean up the sugar they spill on a counter, or to wash their dishes instead of leaving them in the sink, or to actually flush a goddamned toilet and not pee on the seat.
Well, ranting, and pitting aside, I should point out that we are not talking mean or even median intelligence of the workforce. What we are dealing with is that people who are stupid enough to ignite food products in a microwave are not percieved to be wanting in any respect by the management of the organization. That not being enough to force me to vent in the pit, it turns out that the implied level of stupidity is also accptable for consideration for promotion to supervisory, and management positions as well.
Policy decisions not related to popcorn conflagaration frequency all show the same level of sophistication. Clear trash bags are more desirable than involving the police for controlling theft. Teaching the staff how to do a procedure that has been determined to be unsafe, and then telling them not to do it is a resonable response to an injury that could not be successfully blamed on someone.
The thread is mostly about the mysteries of popcorn, and the use of microwaves. The rant was about rampant stupidity at all levels of operation in my work place. (I got to mention, the fact that the popcorn is still the subject being discussed doesn’t do wonders for my assessment of the Straight Dopers themselves.)
I don’t even like popcorn.
Tris
Yeah, one big downside is that if the microwave retains the setting, then the next moron tries to pop a 3 ounce bag using the 1.7 ounce setting, and goes, “DERP, why didn’t my popcorn pop?” and starts it again and really screws things up. But I mentioned the button’s capability in the hope that it’ll help someone make those little bags of popcorn at home.
This from the guy with multiple, glaring spelling errors in his post. 
As someone who once managed to light an entire movie theater popcorn machine on fire I can promise it doesn’t guarantee that the rest of the building will go up in flames. I can also promise that if the bottom of the kettle comes off and exposes a bunch of wires but your supervisor makes you continue to use it to make popcorn anyway the moment the wires touch the popcorn you will find out just how flammable oil-covered snack foods actually are and the entire theater will be evacuated, causing you to have to hand out vouchers for free movies that far outweigh the money saved by not repairing the popcorn popper immediately.
I get what you’re saying. Personally, I fear for the future of humanity. I work with morons, too.
But we all think that we work in organizations full of stupid people. That doesn’t seem so remarkable. Multiple popcorn fires, however. Now that’s something.
My microwave senses the steam, and calculates how long to cook the popcorn. When you first push the popcorn button, there is no time on the clock at all. When it senses steam, it calculates how much longer to cook, and only then displays the time remaining.
So there are microwaves that are pretty foolproof.
Y’know, installing a fire extinguisher in the break area would be a lot cheaper than paying for a fire department run.
:smack:
Yeah.
That was the tipping point. I was speechless when I was informed of the first three fires. And, by the way, speechless is not a commonplace characteristic for me. 
The thing is; you really don’t have to be all that smart to do what I do. Intelligence doesn’t correlate all that well with how good you are at the job. (My specific job, that is, which is the job all the other departments are here to support.) Being intelligent can make it easier, and avoid a lot of effort that produces nothing. Pay attention, keep the folks we are working for in mind, be nice, and spend most of your time actually doing something. Those things are way more important. Oh, and showing up reliably to relieve the guy who is doing what you are supposed to do when you get here. There are lots of things you will need to learn, but almost all of them are about not doing what didn’t work last time.
All that said, the kind of person who likes knowing things more than learning things is gonna have a very hard time. If that person likes being right more than being useful, it’s a pretty good bet they are going to hate the job, and the folks who are paying for the services are gonna hate them too. Back when employment was a whole lot higher, those folks would leave fairly quickly, but now days they hang on like grim death. And since they have to do all the same stuff I do, and also have to negotiate and argue, and hold grudges, and find excuses, and explain why things didn’t happen, they get a lot more tired than I do. If I had their job, I would hate it too.
I will admit that my attitude gets me more grief than my performance would with proper hierarchical obeisance, but . . . well . . . They set the damned things on FIRE! Four Times! And all my bosses think that the problem is popcorn!
Tris
So, the moron was talking down to you and being sarcastic, and wasting your time, because other people are too stupid to live. I have issues with that. I could tell them what to do with that damn form.