No, I’m not getting divorced.
It’s been mentioned in passing several times, both by myself and other dopers, that I have a part-time job as a wedding minister. Well, after over seven years and somewhere around 900 weddings, I’m hanging up my robes.
Christians make up less than half a percent of the Japanese population. Most people practice an extremely secular combination of Shinto and Buddhism that mainly entails going to various ceremonies anywhere from three or four times a year to as many times in their entire life. Still, it’s familiar and traditional. Why on earth would they want to have me doing their wedding ceremony?
Hollywood. Everyone in Japan since the post-war era has seen dozens upon dozens of western romance films that culminate with the beautiful bride, the handsome groom, the kindly minister and the enormous wedding hall full of well-wishers. Shinto weddings, on the other hand, are generally smaller, family-only deals that have rarely been described as romantic (not to mention that Shinto ceremonies are about as impenetrable to the Japanese as they are to outsiders). So now that the new generation wants romance over tradition (and going by the housewife English classes I used to teach, many of the moms (who’ve watched the same movies) want vicarious romance through their daughters), western-style weddings have become the in thing.
However, as I said earlier, only a half-percent of the population is Christian. Even if all those churches and clergymen were open to the idea of performing wedding ceremonies for non-members, there still wouldn’t be nearly enough to go around. And then you’d still have to find someplace to hold the party. And what about food, photographers, music, and the centerpiece of the whole thing, the wedding gown?
Entrepreneurs to the rescue. Since the mid 80’s, western-style weddings have become a billion-dollar industry. There are now literally hundreds of halls all over Japan (I’ve been to well over 50 just in the greater Tokyo area) devoted exclusively to weddings, and any upscale hotel will have its own chapel (The New Otani in Akasaka has five). The wedding hall will take care of everything: ceremony, party venue, food, music, entertainment, clothing, flowers, gift packages (at Japanese weddings, the guests give money based on their relationship to the couple, and the couple in turn gives a small-to-moderate-sized gift to each guest), and even honeymoon travel arrangements complete with “authentic” souvenirs pre-ordered. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that they also offer matchmaking and divorce counseling (I know one that also handles funerals).
So far, it’s not all that different from the rest of the hospitality industry. The twist is that to go along with their western chapel and western dress, most couples also want a western minister. That’s where I come in. When I was teaching in semi-rural Shizuoka prefecture, I knew several teachers who had side jobs as wedding ministers, working directly with the hotels. In Tokyo, I found an agency that has a large pool of “clergy” (they also have organists and singers) and sends them each weekend to different wedding halls and hotels with whom they’ve arranged contracts.
“Clergy” is in quotes since, during the interview, the manager asked me my religious training and I said quite bluntly: “none. I’m philosophically Daoist, but other than that I don’t really believe in anything.” She shrugged and said, “well, I guess that’s ok, but don’t mention it to Rev. Yamada (name changed to protect the guilty (me)).” Before I could begin, I had to do my training with Rev. Yamada, an actual minister with an actual church. The training was rehearsing the full wedding ceremony until I could sound halfway natural and not like I was reciting phonetic Japanese from a script. I eventually passed my training, got ordained as a “celebrant” (someone who is authorized to perform ceremonies, but not conduct mass, give official counseling, etc.) and had my first ceremony in September of 2000.
When I started, I was partly interested in getting the job as a laugh (the atheist as a priest, eh?), but also because the money was really good. I still took it seriously, though, since even if nobody in the entire chapel was Christian, it was still a real couple celebrating their real marriage, who would be really let down if I half-assed it like a sarcastic punk.
As time went on, it actually became a hell of a lot of fun. Here was a young (or not so young) couple experiencing one of the biggest days of their lives, nervous and excited, and I had the opportunity to really make them both happy. Very few venues have rehearsals before the wedding day, and most places just give an abbreviated walk-though ten minutes before the real deal. The bride and groom are so nervous that they can hardly remember any of what they’re told, which then makes them even more nervous because they think they’re going to screw everything up by forgetting their parts. I noticed that the hall attendants usually have to talk a mile a minute to fit the rehearsal into everything else they have to do, so I made it my role to help with the rehearsal and do everything I could to calm the couple down. Mostly this meant reassuring them that I’d be guiding them through each part of the ceremony so they didn’t need to remember a thing beyond saying “Hai” when I said their name and answering “Hai, chikaimasu” (Yes, I do), when I asked them if they did, in fact, chikaimasu. Add in lots of smiles and a joke or two and they were usually a lot more at ease when the ceremony started, knowing I was on their side. This actually became how I’d unwind after a week of office work, and if they stopped paying me I’d probably still want to keep doing it.
Now, however, I have a son who’s going to be 18 months old in a couple of weeks. My weekday job often requires hours of overtime, and when multiple projects are going on at once I may not come home until after his bedtime for an entire week. Seeing how excited he got when I did get home early made me realize just how little time I was spending with him. At the end of November, I called the agency and told them I’d be leaving at the end of January. They were disappointed (I’m now their most senior celebrant, and have outlasted just about all the Japanese staff except for the President, VP and Rev. Yamada), but they understood my reasons (apparently I’m an oddity among the celebrants. All of them are either language teachers or part-time workers, giving them a lot more flexibility and free time). I also told them I’d be willing to help out if they had an emergency, so the parting was on good terms and if I ever want to go back I can. Odds are I’ll be back at some point, even just filling in once a month or so. As an aside, my decision was greatly helped by the fact that things are going well enough at the office that I can give up the weekend income without getting pinched. If I were still struggling to make ends meet, I’d be hustling for every ceremony I could get.
Today was my final wedding. It was a hall fairly close to where I live, so the commute was quick. The couple were very nice and seemed to enjoy the ceremony. For my part, despite a slight head cold everything went off without a hitch. After the bride and groom walked back up the aisle and out the door of the chapel, I gave a short closing speech, congratulated the parents, and bowed to the guests. I then walked up the aisle myself, the doors closed behind me, and that was it.
