They call every night. The news reporters. Every night they say, “This is so-and-so from channel so-and-so, any news?” And what is our answer? “NO!” Every night! You’d think they’d get the hint! I am not authorized to do anything except read any press releases that may be lying around, which I shouldn’t have to do, because they all get faxed to you! Last night there were two of us working. Fire and ambulance went out to a wreck, one officer was making a traffic stop, two more were out investigating a property damage, another one was in the process of arresting someone, people are calling 911 because their power is out (due to the aforementioned wreck, which involved a semi and a power pole, and people calling 911 because they don’t have LIGHT is another rant in and of itself), we’re answering phones and trying to figure out which utility company is responsible for that particular pole so we can tell them it’s fucking broken while still keeping up with radio traffic, and YOU CALL TO ASK ME IF THERE’S ANY NEWS?!?
I GOT YOUR FUCKING NEWS RIGHT HERE! The deputies arrested two space aliens who were in a field felching a disemboweled cow! And did you hear about the hookers downtown? They’re buck-ass naked, picketing the police station for better working conditions and union wages! You might want to get a camera person out there pronto! An angry hedgehog escaped from its cage at the high school and went on a bloody rampage that killed two officers before Wyatt Earp and his gang popped through a wormhole in the fabric of space and time and brought the snarling beast down in a hail of gunfire! IS THAT ENOUGH NEWS FOR YOU, YOU DANGLING CUMDRIBBLE? WANT SOME MORE? Want to hear about the domestics we had last night? We gave Bigfoot shelter information after Nessie threw him through a wall! Barney is getting harassing phone calls from Big Bird! Is that enough? Will that keep your little PowerBook humming for a little while? I hope you dump your French Vanilla cappucino into your laptop and electrocute your dink, you yak-yerming waste of journalism school tuition! I hope an enraged ex-girlfriend slams your fingers repeatedly in a car door, rendering you unable to dial a phone! Go die!
This rant brought to you by nervous exhaustion and extreme amounts of caffiene.
Outstanding. Nice setup, progressive build to the ire and profanity, excellent use of said profanity, and truly a worthwhile rant about an actual, seriously stupid thing to do.
I was a reporter in previous life. I would recommend that you tell those lazy beat reporters to get their butts down to the station and flip through the blotter themselves. Then, if they find something interesting, ask for specific info on specific incidents.
All it takes is a little practice and you can figure out which entries are routine and which are significant, without bothering the public info officer or the clerks at the desk. I detest lazy reporting.
Or at least invest the money in a police band scanner. And if there’s extra cash needed to spoof the local cops encryption (if they have it) then it’s money well spent.
Deep doo-doo. We’re talking deeper than Jules Verne ever imagined. The kind of doo-doo that flows through a subterranean sewer pipe and empties out at the unemployment office. All information I receive is priviliged information until such time as The Powers That Be decide to make it public. I’m not even supposed to tell my own family any details about what goes on. I mean, I can tell my husband, “Some guy had a heart attack last night”, but I can’t say, “Joe Blow on Anus Avenue blew a valve after a pimp beat the crap out of him when he tried to bargain with a lot lizard he picked up at the truck stop.”
And the reporters KNOW this. And they still call. Lord, please stop me from hunting these people down…
That’s the sad thing. They have scanners. The other night we had three adjoining counties involved in a pursuit and the news crew called from ther van wanting to know just where they were so they could go out and film it. Yes, by all means, they’re at mile marker this-and-such. Why don’t you park your fucking van right in the middle of the interstate and make a nice roadblock? And don’t bother to exit the vehicle. Did I mention the people they were chasing were ARMED?
You want to be on TV, not these yokels whose houses have burned down, or who have been treated & released–or even treated & detained.
You derserve the limelight. You.
And who’s to say you don’t? Thespians all over the world acclaimed your performance as “3rd Sunflower On The Left” in your First Grade Play. And your role in “Nutrition And You” as “Glucose” brought you marriage proposals from the Crowned Heads Of Europe.
So, follow your Destiny! Get in the news!
Burn your own house down.
Hollywood Awaits!!! You only need matches.
Oh, yeah–you’re also jealous of those cows. Pervert.
So, just out of curiosity, how much trouble would you get in if you just, you know, yelled at these idiots? Cause you want them to stop calling, right? So maybe if you can kinda discourage them by calling them a few of the things you mentioned here, that might do the trick. And make you feel better in the bargain.
Maybe you could try this, if it wouldn’t get you into terribly deep kimchi …
As soon as Shoulder Monkey Reporter has asked if there is any news, flick the phone (or headset) with a fingernail to make a clicking sound, like you’ve just switched it over to a recording. Then say in a bright, happy, pre-recorded sounding voice, “We’re sorry, your call cannot be completed. We are unable to give out the information you require. Further requests will be regarded as harrassment. This call may have been monitored or recorded for legal purposes. Have a nice day!”
Or something like that. I dunno if it’d work, but it seems to head telemarketers off at the pass, especially the “this call may have been monitored or recorded” bull.
I bow before your awesome rant. Now, as a pre-DuckDuckGoose rating, I suggest a 9.2
I’m with ya on the O.P. I am not permitted to discuss the particulars of a call either. It’s priveledged info. The reporters know better, but since they are bottom-feeding scumlickers, they’d rather cost you your career and get a leaked tip than wait or try to ferret out info in other ways.
Okay, so you’re a cop and your biggest problem is (gasp) someone calling and asking you a question. I’m sure the guys that are out on the beat getting shot at are really glad they don’t have YOUR job.
For the record…I was a reporter for 10 years…and I asked “anything goin’ on?” a billion times because our cheap assed management wouldn’t hire enough staff so that we could spare anyone to hoof it down to the station. 90% of the time the answer was “NO!(click)” but every once in a while there would be a decent guy or gal that was doin’ a bit more than accumulating days until thier pension kicked in and would pick up the press release that they FORGOT to fax us.
Now…I’m an information officer…I’m on call 24/7, Reporters call me at all hours of the day and night, get me out of the shower, interupt dinner, wake me up…and ya know what?..it’s part of my job…if I don’t like it (which…oh I agree with you there I DON’T) I can get another job! Oh Well!?
I’m afraid I’m kind of with Vinnie Virginslayer on this one, since I am still a reporter now. I’m lucky enough to have a news clerk who goes through the police computer log page by page though and culls the best of it for me, which i then follow up on.
I can understand your frustration Marlitharn, but it would help if you just looked at dealing with these people as part of your job. I’m surprised there’s some kind of official restriction on what you can say. I call our local dispatchers all the time (admittedly for really minor stuff, like paging an officer I really need to reach, not for real info) and have always had good relations wih them. If they’re in a hurry I don’t waste their time. If they can’t help me I don’t drag the converation out. Dragonblink, threatening reporters with legal action is a laugh. Our status is legally protected (called the First Amendment). We can be sued as a result of what we print sometimes, but never for simply calling and asking questions, and we know it.That is why the press can afford to be so rude sometimes, not that I am myself. I actually had a child molester threaten to sue me once for harassment after I called to solicit a comment from her on a story about her moving into a trailer park with a bunch of kids. I laughed and gave her directions to the Courthouse.
