Thanks, featherlou. I wanted to make a similar comment.
It almost victimizes these women again to imply that they’re too sad and stupid to realize that they’re being harmed. Sometimes they love their husbands in spite of the abuse - they want to leave because they know it’s a destructive and awful situation (yes, just as much as you know it) but they can’t because of the reasons listed above, and also that they really love him, they’ve spent good times together, he’s the father of her children (which has more value than simple economics) and so on.
Abused women make choices, just like any other woman, and to suggest that she’s not capable of making her own decisions any more is not entirely true. It’s a sad, sad situation, no doubt, but to simplify it is kind of irresponsible. If I was in that situation, and all anyone could say to me was “Leave him now!” - ignoring my quite legitimate point that he’s my husband and I love him and there’s more to our relationship than just the beatings - I would not feel supported.
I’m not saying she shouldn’t leave. I’m just saying that her choices and feelings and motivations need to be acknowledged. She’s not just a victim.
I agree with this. Domestic abuse situations involve a complex jumble of emotions. I had a friend who was a cop and he told me that the most dangerous situations he dealt with were responses to domestic abuse cases because the victim often attacked the police officer.
These women are in a relationship and any relationship is complex. Many abuse victims still love their abusers and don’t want to see the police arrest him. As cowgirl said, the relationship is more than simply the abuse.
So very true, featherlou. A lot of abusers are charming, attentive, and perfect gentlemen to their targets – until the person they want to control is within their power. Then they start their control games, and escalate as they control grows. Abusers are also good at making their victims blame themselves, feel guilty, and try to hide any signs of abuse because they’re ashamed.
The boss who hit me would make it a joke and pretend he was kidding – but they weren’t air slaps; they connected. He had a great facade for the outside world, but he was a crude, hateful bigot in front of those under his control. I bet a lot of people are in abuser/abused relationships at work, and either don’t recognize it, or are economically trapped.
Again, it’s power and control that lie at the root of this cruelty. That, and I suspect an overwhelming anger at the world, combined with a powerful sense that everything wrong in the abuser’s life is someone else’s fault.
Not to difficult to understand if you reliaze it’s a love hate relationshape.
The realationship is so very very good when it is goon that the abused will endure all kinds of suffering in the slim hope that there will be (a) better days (day) ahead.
Now if you understand all of the above please explain it to me because it doesn’t make sense yet that’s the way it is.
I also think many abusers don’t mean to be abusers. They don’t feel good about themselves when they act this way and the shame in the way they act intesifies the cycle. Of course that is no excuse. They should be aware of their actions and the abused partner/spouse should not keep accepting the abuse, but it is not always that easy for either side. The whole cycle of abuse is tragic and very easy to judge from the outside.
(p.s EddyTeddyFreddy is your name a Jez Alborough reference? I like to think it is because he is my favourite children’s author)
I’m pretty sure it’s a state law - it’s come down from the magistrate at the jail before. I don’t know what it’s like in other states, I just know that in Virginia, if the victim of a domestic assault calls to have the inmage bailed out of jail, we can not secure the bond with them. It must be done by someone else.
And you all make very good points. I’ve heard the reasons why these women don’t leave hundreds of times, and as much as I hate the reasons, they all make sense. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the calls when they come in. And last night, I’d just answered one too many calls and dealt with one too many case files about domestic abusers.
I can’t wait to NOT do this job anymore. Apparently, my parents can’t either, since they’re looking into selling the business. It’s getting to all of us.
Like some people said, if the victim (be it a man or woman) have been raised in an abusive house, then they think it is quite normal. They hate it, but “hay”, they think.“it happens to everyone else too, and they don’t say nothing, why should I?”
or the reason that they feel so guilty about it. “it’s my fault for that, or, it’s something i did wrong that always provoques the beatings”
or the abuser put it in their minds that the whole world would see them at fault, and they’d be destroying the family/relationship.
And again, maybe the beatings happen often and intensely, but there are so many other moments they live exactly like soulmates do: so much in love, so nice and thoughtful, laughter and bliss.
They also see the abuse as a part of their spouse display that they care enough to want to correct some of their ‘bad’ behavior. Like a parent disciplines their child.
A person with no self-esteem at all, have been conditioned to believe that without the abuser, they’ll have a totaly miserable lifes. They’ll never find love, they’ll never be accepted. They’re so afraid to be alone (even if they have family and friends)
A few weeks ago I was stuck in traffic and happened to look in my rearview mirror just in time to see a young-looking guy smack his girlfriend right across the face. I didn’t know what to do, but I wanted to get out and tell her I would drive her anywhere she needed to go.
It was terrible knowing there was nothing I could do. I can only hope that was the first and last time he laid a hand on her, but in my heart I know it probably wasn’t.
This subject is difficult for me primarily because I cannot fathom being with some one that beat me regularly.
I had pretty poor taste in men when I was in my 20’s and two of my boyfriend’s hit me once-one slapped me so hard that he knocked my contacts out.
Imagine being blind as a bat and crawling around on the floor looking for a little piece of glass while some one screamed at you.
However, although I am not making excuses for my lack of judgment in men, I did leave immediately as in that night and never went back.
I understand that 1) I had a place to go to and 2) I did not have children.
That said, I can’t imagine subjecting any child to that sort of environment. I think that would be added impetus for me to leave.
I certainly do not want to imply that I’m blaming these woman in any way but I do think that they bear some responsibility for staying.
As Tranquilis points out- it is just about as often the man who is being abused. Sure, more often when a male hits a female there is more damage, as males are generally stronger than females, but domestic abuse is NOT a male>female only thing by any stretch.
However, to read the above posts where it is always- “she” being hit by “him” and “these abused women”- would have one think otherwise. Dudes- it ain’t so.
I don’t beleive in hitting women- or the other way around. In fact, the ONLY time I have ever hit a woman is when she slapped me- with claws, and then when her hand was coming around for another hit the boxing reflexes automatically took over, and I blocked the slap with my left, and a right jab decked her. I bled like a stuck pig, too, dammit.
Hey, Calm Kiwi, I take your point, but I think you’re being kinder to the abusers than many of them deserve. Based on my own observations (admittedly a limited – whew! – sample) I think a lot of them enjoy exerting power over others. Makes them feel like a big shot, ya know?
EddyTeddyFreddy is for my three LARGE orange tiger brother cats. Not to be confused with the Veggie Boys, Squash and Pumpkin, the small orange tiger brothers.
Keep in mind, too, that one tool an abuser uses to control the victim is to isolate that person – keep the victim apart from family, friends, anyone that could provide a refuge, or even affirmation that the victim is worthy of a life apart from the abuser. Also that media coverage of these cases is a two-edged sword: Abuse victims DO see that there are resources trying to help them; but they also see that way too often, the abuser DOES follow through on the threat to kill. And you can bet that the abuser makes it plain that stalking and killing will be the game plan if the victim tries to escape.
Hey, DrDeth – I might argue with you on whether the abuse is 50/50 male/female, but I’d rather not today. But didja like how I avoided gender attribution in this post?
I watched my parents relationship mutate as many have mentioned. All the little things my father did to control my mother and isolate her (and us kids) from any kind of support network and he worked hard at killing any self esteem any of us had. Somehow I was a spunky kid and eventually escaped his abuse. It is very difficult to see things clearly from within these relationships. The abuse takes away your ability to look objectively at what is happening between you. Fear is also a powerful motivator.
These people start slow and as they get away with more and more it becomes normal and they just keep going. With my father I believe he has some kind of mental illness but that still does not excuse his behavior. As for my mother, well after watching her still run around like a puppy with her tail between her legs years after their divorce I don’t have any respect for her.
Good point, DrDeth. I don’t know the statistics on women abusing men, but I suspect it is a lot higher than anybody knows, for various reasons like it isn’t really being focused on, and men may be ashamed to admit that their SO is abusing them.
I do have a bit of anecdotal information for the men being abused point that was brought up.
My eldest brother is now a single parent. His daughter’s mother and he were together for about four years or so. During that time, she punched, kicked, hit, belittled, generally treated like a piece of garbage, and one time stabbed him in the back so deeply that he was in the emergency room. The stab wound was less than 1/4" from his lung, and he could have very well been much worse off.
He wouldn’t fight her, as he was afraid of hurting her. He stayed because he thought (correctly) that she would take my neice and he wouldn’t get to see her again.
In the end, he left; custody went to the ex, but my brother got visitation. Three years later, he is the sole parent, because ex killed herself.
I am not sure what it is in my family. The person I referenced before as [unnamed person] is my older sister, and this is the second abusive relationship that I know of. There are also two other siblings who have been in abusive relationships or are abusive. My eldest sister will likely never marry because she gravitates toward worthless men who tend to show signs of agression; my brother is verbally abusive to his common-law wife and her (adult) son.
I am the only one who escaped, other than a mildly verbally abusive boyfriend (son’s father), and I don’t rightly know why.
Yes, you did good. But I won’t insist either that it is “50/50”, just that the problem of men being abused is significant- and as Featherlou points out, it is a hidden problem… as indeed, “wife beating” was for too many decades.
Ahhhhh… DrDeth, you disarm me with your sweet reason and willingness to meet halfway. What are we two doing in the Pit?
I agree that men are abused too, and that the problem hasn’t penetrated as far into public consciousness as men-on-women battering has. Then there’s the whole issue of gay/lesbian domestic violence, where the battered partner has an additional reason to put up and shut up.
[hijack] I also wonder just how much employer/employee battering goes on, like what I was subjected to. I’m talking a different issue than sexual harassment, although I suspect the two problems can intersect, since sexual harassment often arises in boss/subordinate relationships. But how many of us, in our working careers, have seen verbal battering, demeanment, browbeating, and other such treatment meted out from a boss to a subordinate? Without regard to gender of the actors? Yup, yup, for sure – it is not the same as a spouse/SO beating and killing the abuse victim. But it seems to me to flow from the same kind of mindset: that power and control over another person constitute a license to humiliate and dominate. [/hijack]
But didja like how I avoided gender attribution in this post?
But I won’t insist either that it is “50/50”, just that the problem of men being abused is significant- and as Featherlou points out, it is a hidden problem… as indeed, “wife beating” was for too many decades.