No, you may NOT bail him out!

The BBQ Pit
1

Little background - I do work for my parents’ bail bonding business. Sometimes, this includes answering calls and figuring out whether we’ll send a bondsman to the jail. I’ve had just one too many calls lately that go like this:

Me: Bail bonds.
Caller: Umm, yeah, I need to have someone bailed out of jail.
Me: Okay. How much is the bond?
Caller: A thousand dollars.
Me: And what’s the charge?
Caller: Assault.

This is where a red flag always goes up, especially if the caller is a woman.

Me: All right. Is it a domestic assault?
Pause.
Caller: Um, yeah.
Me: Who did the inmate assault?
Caller: Um, me.
Me: Is the inmate your husband?
Caller: Yeah.

And this is when I start to wonder if all of humanity is fucking doomed.

Me: You can’t bail them out.
Caller: I got money!
Me: You can not bail them out. If it’s a domestic assault, the person that was assaulted can NOT bail out the inmate.
Caller: Well, he didn’t really assault me. It was all a misunderstanding.

Sure it was. His hand accidentally smashed your fucking face in.

Me: You can NOT bail them out. The court will not ALLOW you to bail them out. You will need to find someone else to sign for the bond.
Caller: But I’m his wife!
Me: Which is exactly why you’re not allowed to bail him out if it’s a domestic assault. Any other bail bonding agency you call is going to tell you the same thing. Someone else has to sign for the bond.
Caller: So I can’t bail him out even if I got the money?
Me: (sighing at this point) No. The court will not allow you to bail them out.
Caller: Okay. I’ll find someone else. If I do, can I call you guys back?
Me: If you find someone else, they need to call us themselves.
Caller: Okay, thanks.

What the FUCK is wrong with people? Holy fucking SHIT, people, he knocks the ever-living shit out of you, enough that the cops haul him off to jail and you STILL call us to bail him out? Do you ever CARE about your life? Why the FUCK would you bail out the asshole who used you as a punching bag?

How do I know that these calls are actually true domestic assaults? That someone was actually hurt? Because 99% of the time, the victim will get a friend or their spouse’s parents to call back and bail out the inmate. And I see the case files and the history. Most of them have had the shit beaten out of them. These are NOT domestic disturbances, these are fucking BEATINGS.

I understand that a lot of it is fear. I know it is. But mother of fuck, wouldn’t you use the 24 hours you have while your husband is in jail to pack a fucking bag and run to a battered women’s shelter?

My cousin’s first husband used to beat the shit out of her (my parents practically raised her, so she’s more like a sister than she is a cousin). She had a one-year-old son at the time and she was afraid to leave him. He threatened to kill her, kill their son, and kill US, her family. I was 13 and it’s the one time I remember being truly terrified for my life, when he told her he was on his way to our house with a gun. But she did it. She had the courage to say “fuck you” to him and she got the hell out of there. I am always going to admire her for that. She has always been my hero for that.

Please…to the women who are calling in to get their husbands bailed out - there will be other who will consider you their heros for having the courage to leave. Don’t let the cycle continue. Instead of calling us to get the bastard out of jail, get your shit together and get the FUCK out. Get a fucking restraining order. Just fucking do SOMETHING other than continuing the abuse. Please.

Ava

2

Shes probably very afraid of what he may do to her if she leaves him in jail. Thats all I can think of but yes it is seriously f*cked up that she wants to bail out her husband after he assualted her!

3

Probably they get beat up even worse if they didn’t try to bail asshole out.

Who knows? It’s gotta be one of the worst situations a human can face.

4

I just don’t understand the mindset. {Unnamed person in my life} is (I suspect) being abused physically, and (I know) mentally. Yet, she stays. She has never come out and said what’s happening, but there are too many signs for it not to be true.

And she stays. “Oh, it’s too expensive for me to live on my own”.

She defends him for all of his miserableness. I’m afraid that I’ll be at her funeral 40 years too early.

5

I know. And honestly, I’m not TRYING to judge these women, I’m just frustrated and I’ve just had one too many of these calls lately. I just want them to get the help they need. It breaks my heart. My dad has refused to do some of these bonds before when a different person has called back, but the problem is, there IS going to be an agency that will do the bond eventually. Whether it’s us or Agency XYZ, the inmate WILL get bailed out.

If it were up to me, we wouldn’t bail out domestic abusers or rapists. I’ve refused bonds a few times when the charge has been rape or domestic assault. Unfortunately, I’m not the only one taking the calls and we have to pay the bills somehow - so inevitably, my dad or his partner will take the bond.

If I thought some of these women would leave, I’d go to their houses and pack them up myself.

Ginger, I hope your friend gets the help she needs. It’s a plus that she has you on her side.

Amanda

6

You don’t understand. He really does love her and he’s really sorry about what he did and he only does it when he’s been drinking and she hasn’t cleaned the house right or burned dinner so it’s really all her fault for provoking him and he always buys her nice gifts after one of his episodes and she doesn’t have a job and can’t support herself or the kids without him and besides, it’s none of your business anyway.

7

My daughter did volunteer work last year at the county battered women’s shelter - she worked with the kids. Part of her orientation was learning about what the women might have gone through. One night, they had a session with the kids to teach them what to do if Daddy started hitting Mommy again. What a horrible thing for a child to deal with!!

I’ve never been in such a situation myself, but I like to think that I’d not stay around and take it. I’m pretty sure after her time in that shelter, my daughter wouldn’t put up with it either. How do we get that word to the women who really need to hear it?

And avabeth, I agree with you about not allowing bail for rapists and abusers. Seems like a no brainer to me.

8

Someone should start a service where once the call the is placed to their office, a “team” a big ass dudes goes to the residence and performs a “domestic evacuation”.

They could hang around for a few hours while the lady get’s her stuff together and moves out.

I guess the cops sort of do this already, but I was thinking more of an A-team type of thing.

9

avabeth, this kind of thing makes me so sad and angry, too, and, due to your family’s business, you have to come face to face, so to speak, with the seamy underbelly of people’s lives.

A few years back, my husband had an employee who would come into work with cuts and bruises, and he tried to help her. He and his manager offered counseling and support through the corporation they all worked for, but she refused any kind of assistance. A year or so later we found out that she had murdered her husband. :eek: She did not serve any time, as it was found in the trial that it was self-defense. Scary stuff.

Wish I had an answer for you. I hope women can become more empowered. So sad.

10

It works the other 'way round, too. One Petty Officer in my department, while he had arms like tree trunks, was regularly getting his butt beat by his wife. It wasn’t even a case of just sitting there and taking it, either; he fought back, and lost. Repeatedly. This guy was pretty short, but immensely strong, and he was showing up for muster looking like he’d been dragged through a knott-hole, backwards. I could never understand why he kept going back to her, why he just didn’t move into the barracks, why he just didn’t do something to end the pain and humiliation!

I actually witnessed one incident, while pulling Command Duty Officer for the base. When a domestic disturbance in base houseing came in, my duties included going to the scene and following-up immediately with the necessary actions (locking up the abuser, or getting them into the barracks, or getting the family into the Navy Lodge, or whatever ofther action would physically separate the abuser from the victims. Also filing reports, and so on). This guy was out on the sidewalk, getting patched up and answering questions while the other patrol officer was in the house asking his wife questions. Something set her off, and she came out of the house like a charging lion. Now, I’m a fairly big guy, and pretty capable of taking care of myself, but I backed up a couple steps when she came down those stairs! She was BIG, and POWERFUL, and PISSED!

This guy didn’t back up though. He cranked up a haymaker, instead. That punch started somewhere out in Kansas, and arrived like a freight train, square to the jaw. His wife stopped and straightened up for a heartbeat, then proceded to kick his butt down the block. It took three of us to pull her off him.

That night, I put him in the brig for his own protection. Two days later, he was back at home with her. Three days later, he came in for muster sporting a broken nose and a badly twisted shoulder.

His unwillingness to take positive action IRT his domestic situation was costing him, professionally. It stalled his advancement, 'cause he was spending so much time in medical, and was getting so many police calls out to his residence. In the Nav, unresolved domestic situations can be (and in his case, was) career-killers.

Last I heard, he was still with her, and still getting beaten, even though she was also cheating on him with another Petty Officer in another command, and he knew about it.

sigh

11

Actually did this once, sorta.
Family was leaving town with their battered sister. They wanted someone to just keep an eye out durring the moving process, as both they and the sister had young kids, and he’d threatened the whole family tree. Me and three other guys kept the kids in sight at all times, and stayed on the front lawn just looking generally menacing in case asshat showed up. He might have driven by, we’re not sure- car that looked like his. But in the end there was no trouble, and the family and sister moved out safely.

12

Actually did this once, sorta.
Family was leaving town with their battered sister. They wanted someone to just keep an eye out durring the moving process, as both they and the sister had young kids, and he’d threatened the whole family tree. Me and three other guys kept the kids in sight at all times, and stayed on the front lawn just looking generally menacing in case asshat showed up. He might have driven by, we’re not sure- car that looked like his. But in the end there was no trouble, and the family and sister moved out safely.

13

My sister-in-law filed similar domestic abuse charges against her boyfriend, saying he’d broken her door in (her parents saw the broken lock) and broken one of her ribs. Within a week or two, she slipped up when talking about him, referring to him as a current boyfriend. When called on it, she stammered and claimed she’d misspoken. Sure enough, my husband has seen her driving around with him, and this weekend the two of them got busted for disturbing the peace and tossed in jail.

We don’t know why she stays with him. They don’t live together. It’s not money (for rent at least), as she’s being threatened with eviction for the second time this year. Our hunch is that he supplies her with drugs, but I don’t know, maybe it’s a more traditional abusive relationship too.

14

I think the A-team approach can work, but make sure that you have enogh of a show of force, and someone with some expertise in handling this kind of situation. Hopefully, they can get the battered one moved out, with the essentials, plus maybe a few non-essential personal posessions, before the asshole can get out of jail.

I say this because my sisters ex’s second wife plotted an escape from similar abuse that my sister received from that shitty crankhead. While he was out-of town, she made her attempted escape… Either he got home early or got word of the action and came home armed and murdered the lady’s friend who was helping her move. Mr. Methhead got 40 years, with a chance of parole in 10.

Just saying that if you want to do a good dead, take measures to protect yourself first. Come with numbers, and keep an eye out.

15

And carry a big fucking stick.

Good advice.

16

Fear, for damned sure. Economic dependence quite often. Or being raised in an abusive household and believing that this is normal, and a wife’s duty to accept.

But another factor is self-respect – or, rather, the lack of it. Abusers are very good at destroying their victims’ self-esteem. It’s part of how they control them – and this abuse is about control, not just violence, IMHO.

I worked for a boss who was a classic controlling abuser. From what I saw, I’m sure he at least verbally abused his wife; he certainly abused me. I had shaky self-esteem to begin with, at that young age (right out of college), which I’m sure he picked up on, and he thoroughly destroyed whatever self-confidence I started the job with. “No one else would ever hire you!” – screamed at me, for example. Anything that went wrong was my fault. He even slapped me in the face, now and then. Getcher whipping boy, right here!

Funny thing, though; I was so good at my job, I got occasional letters of praise from our clients, which helped me discover the beginnings of a sense of self-worth. I finally snapped in the middle of one verbal battering, and walked out. What a relief it was!

The ironic thing is, he tried several times to persuade me to leave the new job I found (working for a client of his company) and come back to him. So I guess I wasn’t such a total fuckup as he’d always told me, huh? Or maybe it was because he hated having to pay two editors and a part-time secretary to handle the workload I’d carried. :wink:

17

Your employer hit you? :eek:

This is such a sad subject, so many women (and men) and most importantly children, live like this. It’s truly horrifying to be in a situation where you feel that you have no control.

I feel very fortunate that I’ve never been involved with a man like that. I don’t know what I would do, but I certainly wouldn’t stay in that sort of relationship. Women who are being abused need support, in spades, and they need to know that they don’t have to put up with this sort of thing. The problem is that they are often isolated, and get better at hiding what has happened to them out of shame.

avabeth, I appreciate you taking a stand for these women, even if they can’t do it for themselves.

~J

18

God this brings back memories

I used to work as a cab driver and was one of the few males in my city that knew where the battered womens’ shelter was at the time since I picked up and delivered to that address so often

I heard such horrible stories from those ladies…some I could kind of understand(not agree with their reasons for staying but kind of understand)…they’d had several kids and couldn’t afford to leave the abuser but there were many others with NO children to look out for and they had the same excuses everytime…“He doesn’t do it all the time”…“He only hits me when he drinks”…“He is soooooo nice right afterwards”

Argh

One lady with a black eye and a swollen right side of her face had me take her to the house her boyfriend was living at but stop half a block away because a judge had put a restraining order on him from coming anywhere near her on her behalf and she was afraid of the AUTHORITIES finding out she was visiting him and HER getting in trouble…how screwed up is that?

19

My sister was in a relationship for 6 years with an abuser. When asked why she stayed, it was because of the reason above. He had drilled it in her head that she was nobody and noone would want her. He convinced her that he was doing her a favor by staying with her. I hated it. I hated the whole 6 years. Our family tried to convince her to leave him. She wouldn’t. Finally one day my mother couldn’t take it. She took our van and drove 8 hours to where my sister lived. She waited until my sisters husband went to work and then barged in their apartment, and told my sister she was moving out and there was to be no arguments about it. My mother packed really fast took all that she needed and brought her back to our house. If my mother hadn’t forcefully removed her from the situation, I’m pretty sure my sister would still be with him.

20

Those of you who say you’ll never be in an abusive relationship, don’t kid yourself. It can happen to anyone. Abusers don’t always start out by beating the crap out of you - it can start with subtle insults, a little bit of jealousy, some out of proportion anger, and a year later, you’ve slowly slid into the abusive zone. Asking “why do they stay”? doesn’t really get us anywhere - people stay for what seems to be good reasons at the time.