I was just reading a thread on what advice the middle-aged have for the elderly and it occurred to me that another appropriate thread would be on what advice do Doper non-parents (I mean those who have never raised a child) have for parents.
I’ll start:
No means No. It doesn’t mean that after the kid keeps whining and begging that a No will turn into a Yes–something I see a lot of parents allowing. (And if the kid keeps whining and begging discipline is necessary.)
No one else thinks your kids are as special as you do. Their grandparents might come a close second to you, but random strangers - don’t expect them to think they’re even a little special (they might, but don’t expect it).
On a related note, you’re not special for having kids, either. Billions of people have done this before. Cats and dogs and all kinds of mammals have offspring.
Kids are cool. Enjoy them. Take some time for yourself when you can, too.
Childless relatives love to baby-sit.
Nobody will ever think your kids are as goodlooking, smart, gifted, talented, etc as you do, so shut the hell up about it already.
You need a license to catch a fish and take a class to own a gun. There’s no reason you can’t educate yourself about parenting.
This, except I would say ‘make time for yourself, don’t wait for time to magically become available’. Your own mental health and the health of your relationship with your spouse are just as important as your kids.
Don’t expect us to nerf the world for your kids. If you bring them to a bar, they might hear a swear word or two. If you bring them to a place that allows smoking, they’re going to get smoke in their lungs.
Not always, my aunt Margaret hates to babysit. She will tell you so in clear and concise terms. There are reasons she chose to be childless!
I am unsure as to why we are asking folks with NO experience about child rearing. I would not ask a novice about how to fly an airplane. I would ask the grandparents with at least 10 grandchildren. I would also look at how their kids turned out. Kind of like asking tradesmen for references.
That said, you are getting some excellent advice. I especially like the advice on taking time for yourself and your partner.
FTR, I have two sons and, as far as I know, only one grandchild. My sons can be a handful.
Remember you’re raising future adults- your job is to get them ready for the time when you’re not going to be right there, sorting everything out for them.
This means teaching your kids basic life skills, but can also mean letting your kids do stuff the slow, inefficient way, and it may well mean letting them screw things up a bit.
Tip well when you eat out with kids. Your kids make a mess and are annoying.
This goes both ways. Even if you find kids tedious and annoying, we’re all better off when we help them learn to interact with the world. If you bump into a kid, say “excuse me” just as you would an adult. If an annoying toddler chirps “Hi!” greet him back. If they smile and wave or attempt to engage you in conversation, encourage it. We aren’t much of a tribe any longer, but socializing the little creatures goes a long way towards a more pleasant environment for all of us. We want them to be polite adults, and if they see strangers as hateful, unapproachable bad guys they aren’t going to extend much empathy towards your peaceful outing.
Point 1) Child-free or currently childless does not mean they don’t have experience with child-raising. They could have raised siblings, they could have worked in nurseries or child care, they could be teachers or child-care professionals like psychologists.
Point 1) Even IF people don’t have experience raising kids, we still have to share space with them, and we are impacted by them being little hellions or badly-raised adults. It isn’t like you live in a bubble with your spawn and no one else notices you or is impacted by what you do with them.
Advice:
Let them make decisions and try new tasks on their own. Start small, and work up. Otherwise they’ll never learn to *do *anything, and they’ll never learn how to make decisions.
Let them screw up and LET THEM FACE THE CONSEQUENCES of their screw-ups. I have had to fire people who were incapable of understanding that **they **are responsible for their mistakes. Why? Because their parents had always fixed everything for them - broken cars, screwed up in class, traffic tickets - everything was handled by mom or dad. I had one darling come in to her job interview (she was 19) WITH MOMMY IN TOW to negotiate for her. Darling did not get the position. This is co-dependent, and doesn’t benefit anyone involved.
Children are smarter than you give them credit for. Speak to them with respect and don’t bullshit them. If you consistantly say “Please”, “Thank you”, etc. to them they will automatically pick up the habit of having good manners toward others.
Give them age-appropriate independence. Your job is to teach them how to function in society. Let them walk the few blocks to school alone or with a group of friends.
Never lie to your children.
Ignore this; it is not true.
On a related note, if you and the other parent split, remember that your ex’s relatives are still important to your child. Your breakup does not sever your child’s connection to uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents on that side, and s/he will someday want to know the history of that family too.
Otherwise, I’m not qualified to advise on children. My only relevant experience is as a former child of divorced parents.
My biggest beef with my friends-with-kids is that it seems like once the kids hit the early teens, they bring them EVERYWHERE. Really, I like your kids, and I honestly do want to see them sometimes, but can’t we have an adults-only evening every once in a while? I’d like to talk with out about adulty things, or tell a risque joke, or just, you know, hang out without worrying that the kids are bored all the time.
Easy there. This is oh so false.
That’s the ticket.
So at some point you’re going to have to release them from their cradle and trust them to do the right thing. I know teenagers are still wildly immature, but you can’t attach yourselves to them 24/7, so trust in your parenting just a little sometimes. And for all that is holy, stop nagging your children once they’re adults, please. My advice for small children: I dunno, um, if you could insist that they shut their cry holes more often, you’d be aces in my book.
I’m sorry. I will not take advice from non-parents.
You have no idea. You really don’t.
You’re not qualified to give advice.
This thread is so far an entertaining mix of “god parents suck, make your ankle biters STFU so they quit BOTHERING THE REST OF US” and actual well-meaning advice.
Carry on, this is better than Pawn Stars.
As I have never looked after a child and most likely won’t, I don’t feel qualified to give advice to those who do. Just a lot of respect.
The only thing I would ask is to not automatically assume I’m lacking something, assure me that “I would make a good mum”, that my life is not meaningful or fulfilled without kids. Etc etc. I really don’t have much maternal instinct and I’m happy with my life as is, thank you. Parenthood might be for you - it’s not for everyone.
PS: Hush up, Leaffan. You can’t pay for entertainment this good.