Non-religious godparenting and SOs

[Dervorin]

A very good friend of mine, who has just had a baby, did me the honour of asking me to be the non-religious godparent* of his daughter, which I accepted without a second thought. My friend and his wife are both atheists, so the religious aspect doesn’t enter into it at all.

My duties apparently include moral guidance, setting her up with work experience when she’s of appropriate age, and introducing her to an elephant. I’m no longer on first-name terms with any elephants, so this is something I’ll need to work on. It was also made very clear that I’m in no way obligated to adopt the sprog should something untoward happen to my friends, which is the traditional duty of a godparent, as I understand. I was very touched and honoured to be asked, so there was really no doubt in my mind about accepting immediately. I mean, who else is going to teach the child the noble art of punning?

I think my approach is going be along these lines, from an article I read in the Guardian:

My policy is to ditch the nonsense about silver spoons, to send random presents and take them out for fun treats until they are 10. Then, in their teens, I hope to keep the lines of communication open and let them know I’m around if they want me, but respect them if they don’t.

However, my acceptance has caused a bit of friction with my SO, who expressed a feeling of being left out of a potentially major life-changing decision. I think she was thinking along more traditional lines, with an almost quasi-legal obligation to look after the child, but even after it was clear that wasn’t going be necessary, she wasn’t entirely happy about the situation, because I didn’t consult her first. So I turn to the collective wisdom of the Dope (as I so frequently do) and ask you: In a similar situation, would you check with your SO before accepting this responsibility? Did I err by diving in without a second thought? Do you feel it’s something that affects both parties in a relationship, and is something that needs to be checked (even if very casually, just in case)? If the tables were turned, I wouldn’t expect her to check with me, FWIW, so I just assumed it would be the same for her. We’ve been together three years, so it’s a reasonably long-term relationship.

*Until there’s a better word. I’m sticking with godparent. I can’t bring myself to use any of the alternatives, which apparently include oddparent, goodparent, guideparent and friendparent. Friendparent? Barf.

[Grrr]

In my failed marriage, what drove me bonkers about her was her over the top jealousy.

And what drove her bonkers about me was my supposed “wondering eye” (Which was all in her head due to her insecurities) and also me making decisions with out talking to her first.

The latter was a legitimate gripe, I should have done better in that regard, but at least I’ll know better next time should I ever find myself with a serious live together SO.

So yeah, talk to her about stuff like this, most of the time they’ll probably be agreeable to what ever it is anyway. (Or else you wouldn’t consider it in the first place.)

[elbows]

For myself, I’d have serious reservations about my partner requiring this much consulting before I make a decision that basically affects them not at all.

I will consult you on things of import in our lives, and anything that affects us both or our relationship, but this kind of trivial thing? Not likely.

But then, I very much doubt I’d ever find myself in relationship with anyone with this type of insecurity. Because I know I couldn’t take it.

[Cazzle]

I think she’s overreaching here. I’d find it ridiculous if my SO objected to my acceptance of what’s largely a figurehead role, and not even legally binding. In fact, I actually am “guardian” (as the parents termed the role of non-religious Godmother substitute) to a 17 year old I haven’t seen essentially since she was 1 year old. Her parents and I fell out of friendship, and later they moved to the far end of the country. Not only did I not discuss taking the role on with my SO at the time, but I’ve never mentioned it to any subsequent partners either because it’s not really a thing.

[Dervorin]

@Shakes

In my failed marriage, what drove me bonkers about her was her over the top jealousy.

And what drove her bonkers about me was my supposed “wondering eye” (Which was all in her head due to her insecurities) and also me making decisions with out talking to her first.

The latter was a legitimate gripe, I should have done better in that regard, but at least I’ll know better next time should I ever find myself with a serious live together SO.

So yeah, talk to her about stuff like this, most of the time they’ll probably be agreeable to what ever it is anyway. (Or else you wouldn’t consider it in the first place.)

Well, it’s not that she isn’t agreeable to it - after the dust settled, I know she’s actually quite pleased. I do try to make sure I consult her on big decisions, and I also pointed out that she unilaterally decided to change her plans for further study without consulting me, (which was entirely her decision to make, so I’m not upset about that at all) and that sort of made her think a bit. I agree that big decisions would need to be consultative; I’m not trying to suggest that all decisions can just be made alone, with a merry expectation that the other person will go along.

@elbows

For myself, I’d have serious reservations about my partner requiring this much consulting before I make a decision that basically affects them not at all.

I will consult you on things of import in our lives, and anything that affects us both or our relationship, but this kind of trivial thing? Not likely.

But then, I very much doubt I’d ever find myself in relationship with anyone with this type of insecurity. Because I know I couldn’t take it.

This has been a concern at times, but it’s never blown up quite as much as this. I know there’s some insecurity there, but I didn’t think a trivial thing like this would be a cause for concern.

@Eliahna

I think she’s overreaching here. I’d find it ridiculous if my SO objected to my acceptance of what’s largely a figurehead role, and not even legally binding. In fact, I actually am “guardian” (as the parents termed the role of non-religious Godmother substitute) to a 17 year old I haven’t seen essentially since she was 1 year old. Her parents and I fell out of friendship, and later they moved to the far end of the country. Not only did I not discuss taking the role on with my SO at the time, but I’ve never mentioned it to any subsequent partners either because it’s not really a thing.

Thank you for saying exactly what I feel. It’s largely a figurehead role, and in some ways it’s more about reaffirming my friendship with the parents, and making sure the child has more adults in her life, than taking on something potentially life-changing.