Not Coming To A Theater Near You

Salt-n-Pepa: Two rappers are discovered to be double agents for the Russians. On the run, they’re pursued by an enigma called Agent 80s.

Eat Prey, Love:
Predators get together for dinner and romance.

The Expandables:
Famous actions film stars can’t stop eating.

Sects in the City: A comparative overview of the various religions to be found in a large metropolitan area.

YouTube-571: When a Russian nuclear submarine runs into problems, the crew stays calm by watching home movies of each other.

Guardians Of Ga’losh:
These boots kick ass.

Guardians Of Ga’loot:
Can teens save these big friendly people from Evil?

Salt. Angelina Jolie narrates this three-part, seven-hour documentary adaptation of the book by Mark Kurlansky.

I’d watch it. But only if they included a trailer of COD.

K9: The Widowmaker: In an effort to rein in spiraling defense costs, the Russians experiment with a submarine entirely manned by dogs.

Lara’s Soft: Toon Raider:
She’s stolen Freddie The Fox and Screwy Squirrel but can she pull off the ultimate heist: Mickey Mouse?

The Seven Year Bitch:
Is it inevitable that after seven years of marriage your wife will turn into a bitch?

The Appointment: In order to rise in his company, C.C. pimps out Fran and arranges rendezvous with the executives in his bachelor pad.

The Tricycle Thief: The heretofore unknown prequel to Vittorio De Sica’s masterpiece.

All Quiet on the Southern Front: Told through the eyes of several young, jingoistic Arizona Minutemen recruits who become disilliusioned with killing illegals, especially when one falls into the recently built 1,969-mile moat with a dying wetback he just shot.

E.P. the Extraterrestrial: After accidentally killing a young truck driver, an alien becomes the world’s most famous rock star.

Soylent Hill:
“We’re made of people !”
Evil, dead, malformed people, that is.

Yogi Berra:
“If you see just one movie this year, this is definitely one of the movies you should see.”