Not just a rant, but TMI too!

The BBQ Pit
1

The following post is really disgusting, and painful. Read no further if you have an ounce of squeamishness in you.

Okay. Something nasty is going on with my nether regions. It hurts when I pee.

[Brief pause for a chorus of Zappa’s Why Does It Hurt When I Pee]

It started on Monday. At work.

So, alarmed, I visited my doctor. Now, there’s something weird about this doctor’s office. They always have appointments. I called, and was in the office, actually getting seen by a Physician Assistant, within an hour.

He did a pretty thorough check. Some pain here and there, nothing major. He asked repeatedly about back pain, which I hadn’t, to that point, been experiencing. Asked me for a urine sample, which I happily provided; I’ve been peeing every fifteen minutes for the past two days. And then he discussed some possibilities.

One was a bladder infection. Nothing major, antibiotics, and in a couple of days things are better. Woo!

The other was a kidney stone.

[Pause for a brief chorus of “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!” from all Dopers who know about kidney stones.]

For those of you who don’t know what a kidney stone is, it’s a solid object that forms in your kidneys, and that you then have to pass through your urinary tract.

They’re shaped like sea urchins.

[Pause for a brief chorus of “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!” from all Dopers who didn’t know about kidney stones.]

So, he sent me home with a prescription for anitibiotics, and told me to call for the results of the urinalysis on Wednesday morning. Make sure it’s morning, he said, because on Wednesdays, we close at eleven.

I waited. I took the pills. Things have gotten worse. All the old symptoms, plus a few new ones, including back pain. I’ve spent the past day dreading the possibilities involved in the next few days. I want to know what’s wrong with me, dammit.

So, I wait until a reasonable hour this morning, and call for my results. Need I mention I barely slept last night? Need I mention that I’d been counting down the minutes until I could find out what’s going on? And even then, I have the presence of mind to not call until about 9:30.

No results in yet. We’ll call you.

Okay. Waiting. Cruising the boards. Pacing nervously. Drinking a lot of water, as recommended.

An hour and a half goes by. It’s ten minutes to freaking eleven. I call again. I ask for the results.

After a brief period on hold, the nurse comes back on the phone, and says “We’ll call you when the results are in.”

“Don’t you close at eleven?”

“Oh, we’ll probably be here all day.”

Um… okay. “The symptoms I had are getting worse. Maybe I can talk to-”

“That’s good to know. We’ll call you.”

[Begin obscene portion of rant]

You contemptible cuntwidget. I’ve been waiting, in pain, for over a day for this test result; I know you don’t have it, but can’t you at least give me some idea when you’ll be getting it in? And when a patient tells you the symptoms are worsening, don’t you think you might want to ask about that a bit? For all you know, I could be bleeding out through my eyeballs.

If the PA is right, sometime soon I’ll be experiencing an entirely new horizon of pain. I’m scared as hell. The last thing on earth I need right now is a cockpuppet like you belittling me for wanting more information about my medical condition.

Someday, if you’re ever in pain and scared, I hope some soulless functionary tells you, in a condescending tone of voice, that they’ll get back to you. I hope they imply, with all the sarcastic power at their disposal, that you’re an idiot for even calling, or being concerned.

Then I hope you have to pass a chunk of spiny gravel through your urethra. And whenever you ask anyone for help, and tell them it hurts, they say “That’s good to know.”

And now all I can get is an automated message.

2

MrVisible,
Call back. Right now. You really don’t want to wait, I can tell. Call back, get the number of their on-call doctor. Tell them it is an emergency. If they don’t call you back within 30-45 minutes, make plans to get to the ER.
You shouldn’t have to be in that kind of pain. If you go to the ER, you can tell them Dr. Assmonkey was supposed to give you your results this morning. Tell them the pain has gotten worse.
If it is a kidney stone, they may want to monitor you to make sure it doesn’t cause any more problems than just excruciating pain. And, they will give you pain meds to make it not hurt so bad.
(I just got the run-around with my appendix. “It’s probably just gas or a muscle spasm” said they… bastards.)
If you do go to the ER, make sure you tell them you followed the doctor’s orders, and exactly what meds you took. It may make their job easier.
Good luck, and I hope it turns out to be something easily fixable!
You have my sympathies!!!

3

Ow! Ow! Ow!
You’re just getting an answering machine? Does your doc not have an answering service? If they don’t call you and the pain gets worse go to the emergency room for the love of god! And the next time you see your doc or PA - tell them you called and said the pain was getting worse and what the receptionist said to you.

Sorry - I don’t have anything better to add. Just that I feel your pain. I have had multiple bladder and kidney infections, and they ain’t fun.

4

Yikes! :eek:

I did not know that.

Maybe you could send a candiru fish up there to swallow the little bugger.

…what?

5

My sympathies. I went through two episodes of similar…ummmm… discomfort excluding the urinary tract pain. I had massive, and I mean MASSIVE back pain located right around the kindneys which started in the late evening and lasted for 4 to 6 excrutiating hours at a time. Strangely enough walking, more like pacing helped. Perhaps it will help you.

Never passed any stones though so I’m guessing that’s something I’ve got to look forward to, at some point in the future.

6

I’ve also heard that sometimes they can break the little sucker up with ultrasound. I’d want that to happen.

7

Condescending superiority and hording of knowledge is what I hate most about the medical world.

You’d think that it should be populated by compassionate people who want you to be as comfy as possible. I combat fear with information. (Let me take a moment to thank the ER nurse who hunted down a medical text so that some histerical teenager could read up on the painkiller that was going to be pumped in her. I was alone and very far away from home, and beyond the edge of sanity. The dear woman fed me more information than I could understand along with the happy drugs. I’d like to give her the salary of the fuckwicket doctor. Different story.)

Sorry about the cuntfunnel. Take care of yourself. If you get the chance and have the self control, take aminute to tell her how it made you feel. Honestly and calmly. She probably has no idea that she came off as an uncaring bitch. If she isn’t one, she’ll want to know so she won’t do it again. If she is one, at least she’ll know people notice.

8

You have a kidney stone. I’m not a Dr. and I ain’t qualified to tell you, but results or no results, that’s what you got.

Is there somebody that can take you to the hospital. If there is, you might try to sweat it out for a while. Sometimes these things take time.

If there isn’t somebody to take you. Go now, while you are still capable of getting there yourself.

9

During the downtime between calls, read Montaigne’s essay Of Experience. He touches on kidney stones - how they’re the best ailment to have, you see. The pain will end, it won’t kill you, you spend more time feeling okay than in pain, and you can score points with your stoicism.

Then you can say to yourself, “…the hell?”

10

Umm, at the risk of seeming contradictory, it sounds more like a bladder infection than a kidney stone to me. Kidney stones typically manifest with excruciating back pain first, & the urinary symptoms later. Bladder symptoms presenting first, then back pain later on, would be more indicative of a bladder infection that has moved through the ureters to the kidneys. It is possible (if an infection is indeed what you have) that the bacteria are resistant to the antibiotic your doctor prescribed.
This is bad news & you need medical immediately. Do not mess around with the assclowns at your doctor’s office. Get thee to a hospital. And ask for Pyridium. It will turn your whiz bright, Magic Marker-style orange, but it will take away the pain in your bladder & you won’t feel like you have to pee every three seconds.

11

I’m with Stella on the bladder infection. I had horrible UTIs when we first got married and one worked its way into Ye Olde Bladder Infexion. So not only did I have blood in my urine (gee, that’s a nice shade of RED!), but I couldn’t stand to lay on my back or even have anyone touch it.

Hope you feel better soon. Cranberry juice is supposed to be helpful.

12

Just got off the phone with the selfsame snotwad that told me off earlier today. She started off by saying that the urine sample came back negative; no bladder infection.

Then she started rattling off the doctor’s instructions, based on his assumption that it had to be prostatitis, based on his PA’s evaluation of me from two days ago. I tried to explain that I had new symptoms. She wouldn’t hear of it, and kept going over the instructions, which were to increase the dosage of antibiotics to my current dosage.

I asked to speak to the PA.

Bill isn’t with them anymore. Monday was his last day. Which he entirely neglected to mention to me.

I asked to speak to the doctor. It is, of course, his day off. But if I just increase the dosage of my antibiotics to exactly the same dosage I’m already taking…

I explain, not letting her get a word in edgewise, that I’m having back pain. That I have a family history of kidney stones. That I would like to speak to a doctor, or be referred to one.

She’s paging him, and should call back soon.

I should clarify that I’m not in extreme pain right now; it’s more like having been punched in the back recently. Oh, except when I pee; that’s getting… umm… interesting.

Thanks for your help on this one folks. And now, I’m playing Waiting for Dr. Godot.

13

I’m sure that someone you trust can recommend a new doctor for you. Start researching your insurance company’s physician list for a suitable replacement.

Do not give this office another dime. I don’t care if your doctor is great- you still haven’t seen him or talked to him! A PA is only a good substitute for the common cold or similar pedestrian complaints.

Limp to the nearest phone and get some real help!

I don’t feel your pain, but I’ve given birth and I’ve been told that men get to experience it via kidney stones… oh boy.

14

Oooh. A coworker of mine has chronic kidney stones. He had to have a shunt installed between his kidney and his bladder that was supposed to let stones move through more easily. They installed it under anesthesia. But then they had to remove it for some reason, and they did THAT while he was awake. He described that procedure to me for 15 minutes. I was on the floor in the fetal position within 30 seconds. I can’t imagine anything else that would come close to the pain he experienced that day. Let’s just say that sending a large rod the wrong way up that particular one-way street was downright enjoyable compared to what followed.

15

Wow. Thanks for all the encouragement. Especially you, Smeghead. Ow.

I just got back from seeing a urologist. I had to call my insurance company finally, and they actually set up an appointment with a pee doctor.

Basically, it’s called prostatitis. An infection of the prostate. Heavy doses of antibiotics, ibuprofen for the pain, and in a few days I should be fine.

YAY! YIPPEE! OHYEAH!

How do you spell relief? N-O-K-I-D-N-E-Y-S-T-O-N-E.

All it took was getting assraped by an octogenarian… um… I mean… getting a prostate exam. May I say a small, demure Ow, in deference to the big ow that may have resulted from a kidneystone? Ow.

And next month, we’re changing health plans where I work, and my current Primary Care Physician, Dr. Fuckwad, isn’t on the new plan.

Thanks, all of you. Today was tough; it was the not knowing that was driving me nuts. Being able to vent here made it bearable.

16

I went through all this crap a while back. I had pain, a lot of it, when peeing, blood in the urine. I always have back pain(im going in for surgery on the 13th). I go to the doctor, they try the usual, antibiotics, tests, more tests etc. Nothing helps. I was drinking lots of water, etc. Doc sends me to a specialist. He shoves a camera up my penis. Holy shit was that painfull. I thought I was gonna die. I thought the prostate exam was degrading. He finds some sort of scar tissue built up, and trys to ram this thing through it, so he can get a look at the prostate and things north. I nearly passed out, and he cant get it up further. So, he schedules me for surgery. They put me out, and drill the whole through the scar tissue to were its a normal diameter again.

I wake up in revovery, and after a bit, they send me go to try out the new plummbing. Turns out, whatever this was has been there most of mmy life. It just now got infected and started causing problems. I had no idea how much water pressure there was really supposed to be coming out, so when I first try it out, the output is about a hundred times higher than I ever remeberblood and urine goes all over the bathroom wall behind the toliet. It looked like bad slasher movie had been made in there. I open the door to go back to my bed, and the nurse was standing there. She looks past me at the carnage that once was her nice sanitary clean rest room. She says, oh, good, you were able to go.I apologize profusely for making such a mess.

I go visit the urologist the next day at his office, and he explains to me that most of the time these things grow back, and it will probably last 6 months or so. He was about right, I am now back to where I started(without all the pain and blood and everything). He suggested we go again, but I hardly see the point.

17

Hey, congrats, MrV! That’s good news, as you are no doubt aware. Glad I could help… :smiley:

18

[quiet acoustic guitar music begins, and meanders about for a bit during the spoken intro.]

Well, that about wraps that up, folks. I guess I should’ve known it would all come out well in the end. I got the prescription I needed, and a few hours later, I’m feeling much better. I’d like to thank you all for coming out here tonight, for your support, for your friendly banter. Y’all are good people. And I think I just might have learned something.

I gotta tell you, it was good taking the first piss in days that didn’t pain me. I finished up, a big ol’ smile on my face, feeling mighty good about myself. But then I looked down. And there, in the bowl, was the proof that these antibiotics have some mighty weird side effects. So I thought I’d share a little song about it. Here it is.

[Guitar settles into a nice fingerpicking rhythm. A string section joins in.]

It’s not easy, peeing green
Having your urine be the color of the leaves
When you think it would be nicer, to pee lemon yellow, or gold
Or something much less colorful, like that

It’s not easy, peeing green
It doesn’t blend in with all your ordinary pees,
And people tend to shuffle over, cause you’re
Standin’ there splashing green sparkles in the water
And onto your thigh

My pee’s the color of spring
My pee is now cool, and friendly-like
And I can pee big, like an ocean,
Or _________, like a river,
Or whiz on a tree.

When green is all there is to pee,
It can make you wonder why,
But why wonder? Why wonder?
Pee green. It’ll do fine
Not painful.
And this week it’s what I’m gonna pee.

[guitar slowly winds to a soft, nostalgic sort of coda.]

Vast apologies to Jim Henson, Joe Raposo, and Kermit. I just had to.

19

You don’t have to pass whole kidney stones. When you find a new doctor, insist on finding one who knows about lithotripter.
http://www.mwstone.com/howthe.htm
Lithotripter machines use painless ultrasonic waves to break up kidney stones to the size of sand. Much preferable to passing the whole stone.

20

You can get both a kidney stone and prostatitis, Hubby’s old doctor refused to believe he was passing stones until he pissed one into the sample cup. I hope you feel better soon.