Not That I Needed It, But . . . Sort-Of Poll On Thank You E-Mails

In My Humble Opinion
1

This has just happened for the second time and I’m wondering if my expectations are just off, or if I’ve kind of been disrespected (in a pretty meaningless way). If not for the polling aspect, it’d equally well fit in MPSIMS.

So a friend (visiting from another city) introduces me to another friend/colleague (currently resident in my locale for a temporary assignment). Me and the FOAF are in the same general business and it’s not impossible that one day we could work together, either by one of us going to the other one’s business to take on a new job, or potentially by her sending one form or another of business proposition my way. My friend thus presents it as, “hey, you and FOAF should get a drink, you never know if you’ll be able to do business in the future, and besides, she doesn’t know anyone in these parts, maybe you could give her some suggestions for local sights/activities.” So, as a favor to friend, and given that I go out with potential business counterparts pretty frequently, I arrange to meet FOAF for dinner in a kind of quirky, neat, local place. Conversation is like any other business dinner, talk about our jobs, etc., and I pick up the check (moderate damage). She says thank you, waves goodbye.

Month or two later I check in by e-mail, FOAF expresses interest in cocktails at a local swanky joint. A couple of expensive drinks and an appetizer plate later, and some reasonably passable conversation about how the economy is affecting our business, along with suggestions for some day trips she might take in the area, she again takes polite leave after I pay.

Here’s the point of the OP: The day after the dinner, I was kind of subconsciously expecting a “Thanks for the dinner, it’s great to know such a local’s perspective on where to hang out, let’s do it again” e-mail. But – nothing.

And the other night – ditto.

Now, not getting such an e-mail doesn’t hurt my feelings or cause me any real harm. And, she said “thanks” both times at the end of the outing in person. And finally – I have an easy remedy if I conclude she’s rude or not serious about keeping up a reciprocally-polite we-might-one-day-do-business-together tone; I just won’t entertain her again.

But – was she rude, at all? If so, a little, or a good bit?

Or, to get much more factual: Give me your estimate of the number of times you have been in a position analagous to mine, and did not get the next-day-thank-you-e-mail. Percentages (“82.5% of entertainees send e-mail, 17.5% don’t”) are fine too.

In asking this, I of course put myself on the spot – I have been racking my brain kind of thinking “hey dumbass you probably forget to send an e-mail or don’t think one’s absolutely necessary about half the time someone buys you drinks too” – but I’m honestly thinking I would almost always send a pro forma “Thanks again” e-mail, given how easy it is.

2

She said thanks. IMHO your relationship was in person so her personal thank you was appropriate. If your relationship was via e-mail, then an e-mail thank you would be expected. An additional e-mail or telephone or text or a personal note saying thanks would be fine too, but I wouldn’t take offense if I didn’t get one.

3

I’m flummoxed by the fact that the second outing was apparently her idea, and yet she let you pay again??? After you have given her all this helpful information on TWO separate occasions?

Unbelievably rude. The lack of written follow-up is just the cherry on top, IMHO. I’d write her off.

4

Same. Did she even make an attempt to pay? Or was it the, ‘silently looking at the check when it’s brought’ sort of situation?

5

I often will have engineers and contractors invite me out for a drink and most of the time they pick up the tab, I thank them that evening. But I always follow up the next day with a email thanks and a note that I will keep them in mind on future work, etc. Just common courtesy it seems to me.

However I feel I am likely in the minority on this as rarely do I get the follow up email when I pick up the tab. Just par for the course. I suppose I could stop doing it, but I don’t see any reason for their rude behaviors to change my behaviors.

But your experience is probably more common then the follow up thank you would be.

6

I picked it up reasonably quickly, and was okay with doing so because in the current context, the odds are probably moderately to significantly higher that she’ll be in a position to do something to my benefit than vice versa (put differently, I could probably expense this to the job, though not sure if I will, and she probably couldn’t justify doing so).

But it’s also not like I preempted her racing for her wallet either.

7

If this is her idea of marketing, she’s doing it wrong.

Seriously. She should have offered to pay for the second get-together (since you paid for the first), and both times she should have followed up with a professional email thanking you and reinforcing the business relationship.

Sometimes I send little emails even if I’ve just happened to bump into another consultant at a meeting or something, if I’m interested in pursuing a business relationship with them.

I don’t know that her behavior was rude, but it wasn’t very wise.

8

Is she Canadian? We don’t do thank you letters here except for wedding presents.

She should have paid for the second outing when she invited you, though.

9

That was more my take on it, kind of: “Really?” If nothing else, at the moment, she’s got more to gain from stringing along a series of arguably bland but pleasant meetings, most of which I’ll pay for given the balance of business leverage, and getting some free travelogue assistance. I’m obscurely feeling like she thinks she’s doing me the favor instead . . . .

All of which makes me recall that business courtship and courtship courtship are not that entirely different, and to wonder now if she thinks sufficiently highly of her personal charms that she’s being intentionally a little standoffish to keep me (as she imagines it) at bay. I’d be really annoyed if that turned out to be the case given that (1) none of us including the friend who introduced us has been coy about the fact that she’s married, and we had several discussions about her husband, in all of which my only comment was “you’ll have to bring him out next time he’s in town;” and (2) there was nothing in any of my conversations or communications other than talk of business, shared acquaintances, and travel; and (3) she’s not all that.