Not that I've been looking forward to this...

The BBQ Pit
1

Goddamn it! I spent two years of my life waiting for *Citizen Kane *to come out on DVD. And when Amazon sent me that email saying it was available for preorder and I saw all those features and commentaries (two disks!), I was the happiest little girl in all the midwest. It was going to be the crown jewel of my growing DVD collection.

Greatest movie ever made! My personal favorite! Did I mention two disks?! Feature-length documentary?! Commentary by Roger Ebert?! I coveted this DVD.

It arrived about two weeks ago. I picked up the package on a Monday night before I went to work. I was barely able to restrain myself from popping the disk in right when I got home. But no. I wanted to wait until I had a free weekend to immerse myself in all the cool stuff. (Movie premiere newsreel! Storyboards!)

That DVD sat unopened on top of my monitor until tonight. The evening stretched before me…it was going to be just me, a bowl of popcorn, and the Mercury Production of Citizen Kane.

An hour later, the popcorn is gone and my happiness is shattered. On the tv? Saturday Night Live reruns. Why?

Because the goddamned DVD that those cocksmokers at Amazon sent me has some kind of flaw that makes the movie freeze at 59:47!! There’s no fast-forwarding past it. There’s no rewinding to 59:48. In my universe, the movie ENDS after Kane asks Susan Alexander to sing for him for the first time.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUCK!!! This has been a bad month for me; I’ve had something flu-like that the doctor can’t quite pin down, I’m gaining weight despite the diet, I’m depressed, I have too much work and not enough time, my grandma might be dying, I have job interviews and the Dow Jones copy editing test to worry about, there’s a motherfucking WAR on, AND I CAN’T EVEN WATCH THIS STUPID MOVIE THAT I’VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO OWNING FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS?!?!?! I might be overreacting, BUT DO I NOT GET ANYTHING GOOD THIS YEAR? NOTHING?

Fuck.

I’m going to write a calm, reasoned email to Amazon tonight, requesting that we switch my disk for one that fucking works. I might not say “fuck” per se, but it will be implied.

Jesus fuck. Of all that crap going on in my life and the world at large, this is the thing that drives me over the edge? The rest of the world should have such problems, but I just wanted this so much. It was going to be an oasis in a month of shit. And it’s broken.

Story of my fucking life.

2

Just so you don’t have to wait any longer, it turns out “Rosebud” was his sled.

3

… Or you could do what I did when I had a damaged disk, which was to use a Skip Doctor device to repair the CD. Sending your feces-laden hatemail to Amazon will serve no cause, as your disc was likely damaged during transportation. What, do you think Amazon, as it prepares to send off your disc, pulls out a paperclip to make sure your disc is damaged?

4

It’s not a matter of a skip, lenin. If it were, I’d do exactly as you suggest and move on with life. The fact of the matter is, nothing in the second half of the movie will play. I tried every chapter. It’s like it’s not even there. I know these things happen with DVDs every once in a while. I went through the Amazon return process (no swear words used, thanks) and we’ll see if they allow an exchange. But apparently, since it didn’t happen on purpose, I’m not allowed to be upset that I can’t do something I’d been looking forward to for weeks. :rolleyes:

Oh, and thanks Bob Scene. RUIN it for me, why don’t you? :slight_smile:

5

That blows. Hopefully they’ll replace it with a functional one.

Have you seen the movie about the making of Citizen Kane? I believe it’s named after the studio that made the movie. It has John Malkovitch in it and it’s very good. Especialy if you like Citizen Kane.

Just suggesting something else to watch as you wait for Amazon to fix the fuck up.

6

That’s RKO 281, the project number of the film while it was in production. I’ve got the DVD. It’s good, but not as good as the documentary on Disk Two of the defective Amazon purchase. That turned out to be in good working order and I watched it again last night. Didn’t quite hit the spot, though.

7

Shitty.

When Clerks arrived a few weeks ago, I could hear the disc rattling inside the case. The disc was fucking loose!

It seems to play ok, but I’m a little pissed. There are scratches all over the playing surface.

So do we blame Amazon or UPS??

So when you get a good copy, can I come over and watch? I’ve never seen it.

8

It’s not just Amazon. I own about one hundred DVDs, and have had to take back two or three over the past four years for just that problem.

Junie,you could always watch the YaBobs, or whoever they were that I sent you, again. :slight_smile:

I know, it sucks, and venting is the only way to feel better, not anything comforting, cute or clever we could say.

Sir Rhosis

9

Orson Welles fan here. I like the thin and the chubby Welles. Citizen Kane is the greatest, but I also really enjoy Welles as Harry Lime in The Third Man.

Re: Amazon.com: In my experience and friends’, they have a good return policy and seem like they aim to please. One friend called them and said the book they sent had a dog eared dust jacket. They told him to keep it and they sent another – no charge.

10

Oh shit! That was his sled?! :eek: It thought is was the broad he had on the side!

11

Man, that freaking sucks. On the upside, there’s no reason Amazon should hassle you about a return. If I were you, I would send it back and request a refund and re-order the movie. That way you don’t have to wait for them to receive the bad movie back before they’ll issue a replacement.

Zette

12

Actually, while it was the sled in the movie, it was reportedly William Randolph Hearst’s (on whom Kane is based) real-life term of affection for his mistress Marion Davie’s…um…delicate parts.

So you’re partly right… :smiley:

jayjay

13

I filled out the Amazon returns form Saturday night after I started this thread. Sunday afternoon, I had a note in my inbox saying that a new copy of the set would be in the mail ASAP, along with a postage-paid envelope to return the defective copy. This morning, I had yet another letter saying that my shiny new Citizen Kane DVD was in the mail and ought to arrive by Wednesday. So, we’ve got the setup for a happy ending…but will they come through? Stay tuned!

14

Juniper, I’m on the edge of my seat! Hope everything turns out all right?

Can we watch that at the Christmas Dopefest, because - would you believe it - I’ve NEVER SEEN THAT MOVIE???