[QUOTE=jjimm]
…two days ago, hedonism in Vegas would have left me cold; now it sounds highly tempting..! If only I had the money…
[/QUOTE]
…maybe you could find that old credit card bill she left behind and then go on line and book the flight and hotel…
Granted, the prison time when you got home would be a bit of a drag, but you would have had great fun here.
[QUOTE=Hal Briston]
Two years into my marriage, it ended…kaput, over. My wife and I separated, but stayed friendly. We each moved on and began new relationships. Six months later, we realized what a colossal mistake we had made. We reconciled, and the past six years have been far, far stronger than the first two.
Over isn’t always over.
[/QUOTE]
But with a sheep, even if it’s bad it’s not all baaaaaa’d.
<rimshot>
Thank you folks, you’re too kind. Now don’t forget to tip your waitress and try the lamb. It’s made with Hal’s special sauce.
<rimshot>
I’ll be here all week.
jjimm, sorry to hear about you getting all busted up and I hope things improve for you in short order.
Dignity…har!
Hedonism in Vegas … Hm, the ink’s still wet on my divorce and I’ll be in Vegas next week as it turns out.
[QUOTE=BarnOwl]
One try and you’ve given up?
It could well be the case is hopeless, but you can’t quit yet.<snip>
[/QUOTE]
After what he’s done to create the list in the OP, he needs to quit or she’ll be getting a restraining order.
Here’s to onward and upward, jjimm.
(Congratulations, by the way, Inigo. I mean, I’m glad you’re leaving a toxic person behind, not glad that you’ve had your world all upheaved and everything.)
[QUOTE=featherlou]
After what he’s done to create the list in the OP, he needs to quit or she’ll be getting a restraining order.
[/QUOTE]
In fairness to me, removing someone from my Facebook friends list doesn’t exactly constitute the necessity for restraint.
But yes, onwards and upwards.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
I have just had my heart broken, and I’m currently in a state of misery. Part of my obsessional thinking over the past week or so has been to review all the things I did wrong.
[/QUOTE]
Sorry to hear this. I’ll offer a couple alternative interpretations, YMMV.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
But how many offhand comments do people make that end up meaning nothing? I think it’s human nature to look back and think we should have known better, but there are so many signals that it’s impossible to know, always, what you should pay attention to. Even watching for trends is difficult when you’re in the situation but of course, we try.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
3. Tell her how you feel. If she says ‘I feel like I care about you more than you care about me’ - and you do care about her more than she realises, then for Christ’s sake let her know!
[/QUOTE]
Option B is to pick someone who has the same needs you do. You have to be yourself, and sometimes it’s a mismatch with the other person. I know a couple of young, happening people who got married. One of the things they quickly discovered was that one liked/needed a lot more “together” time than the other. Neither’s wrong, but they weren’t compatible.
Some people need to hear “I love you” every day. Some need it once a month. Maybe they can meet in the middle and be happy, or maybe the compromise is too great for both.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
4. After the breakup (during the breakup you are guaranteed to have no dignity) try to fake dignity. If you see her, try to be cheerful and friendly towards her, but not obsessional, and don’t whatever you do beg for her to come back. Definitely don’t try to contact her obsessively. Nothing you can do at this point will help you - but not doing stuff might help. Whatever you do, don’t stalk her (I didn’t thank goodness); let her go for a while.
[/QUOTE]
What was it Eleanor Roosevelt said? Something like “Nobody can take away your dignity; you have to give that away.” Hold your head up. Don’t imagine everybody knows what happened or has taken sides or anything. It’s a part of adult life and you need to be a better friend to yourself in how you view it.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
5. Don’t fall prey to jealousy. She’s allowed to have guy friends, even new guy friends… :dubious: Yeah, she might fall into his arms after you split up, but there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re split up, you have no rights to anything she does any more. (I didn’t do it, but I suspect that bitching about another guy to her will be counterproductive, and might even make her think more about her friend as a potential partner.) If you see her with someone, you will feel terrible even if there’s nothing going on between them. DO NOT ACT ON THIS FEELING.
[/QUOTE]
I’m not sure what your relationship was…married? Engaged? Living together? Dating? I don’t think new guy friends for the woman or new woman friends for the guy, while you’re ‘together,’ is ever going to play out well. Existing friends, from before you started dating, sure…they’re grandfathered in.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
6. Don’t act out of spite. Whether she shows it or not, she’s hurting tremendously already. Don’t add further upset to this.
[/QUOTE]
Same advice goes for the women, of course.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
7. Leave the channels of communication a possibility after you’re split up - just resist using them at all cost; let her miss you enough to contact you.
Don’t forget, she still has strong feelings for you, even if they are too complex to be expressed as love any more. Respect this and use your faked dignity to give her the space to allow her to work through them.
It will get better. I am in the depths of despair at the moment but I’m not crippled with it like I was a few days ago. Maybe I’ll have some relapses, but the general trend is upwards.
[/QUOTE]
You haven’t let her go yet in your heart. Deal with that before dating anybody seriously again.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
So there are my rules, gained from painful, painful experience.
Points 1 and 6 are the doozies, in my opinion. I missed the warning signs for a couple of months, and then just yesterday, when things seemed to be getting so much better (she had contact me voluntarily for the first time in two weeks), and I sensed she might be reconsidering things - she was being flirtatious, following me with her eyes; acting jealous towards me and other women - I suddenly became obsessed that she was becoming increasingly friendly with another guy; and because of this, I acted out of spite: deleted her from Facebook and my address book and told her I didn’t want to speak to her again. Since that moment she’s looked at me with anger and pity, not wistfulness. I get the impression I destroyed what chance I had of reconciliation, and turned her heart against me.
Any more to share?
[/QUOTE]
The best thing you can do, in general, is to stop talking to her completely for awhile. That includes emails etc. Get your legs under you first. A parallel: I’m divorced and it was so much easier not having kids…they force you to see the ex- to pick up the kids for visitation. It must be like ripping scabs open over and over.
So it is here, but working together forces you to deal with her. No need for more of that than absolutely necessary.
[QUOTE=Inigo Montoya]
Hedonism in Vegas … Hm, the ink’s still wet on my divorce and I’ll be in Vegas next week as it turns out.
[/QUOTE]
Ah, my old friend–I am both sorry and glad for you (re the divorce, not Vegas). Some day I’ll be joining you (again, not in Vegas!). 
jjimm–give her some time and space for now. Is there something you have always wanted to do, but never did? Something just for you-- an interest or a “toy” (paint set, bicycle, camera or something; a class in art, biking or photography etc) that can involve you with other people? I think the best thing for you is some light socializing (not trying to date or get laid) mixed with some alone time.
I feel for you–where you are is not a pleasant place to be. Too bad you have to see her at work. Keep it professional and to a minimum, for your own sanity.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
In fairness to me, removing someone from my Facebook friends list doesn’t exactly constitute the necessity for restraint.<snip>
[/QUOTE]
True 'nuff.
That totally blows that she works in your office. I can’t even imagine how difficult that must be. Hang in there!
Sorry to hear about the troubles, jjimm (I can’t believe I still have to c&p your user name to get it right). Back when I first read that you were going through the throes of marital problems, I was pretty shocked. But, having been down the road myself a few years ago, I can understand that sometimes you just don’t see it coming.
I second the advice you’ve been given here about finding something to get involved in, other that GTA-IV. Hey, Toronto’s pretty great in the summertime…
Well well well, my sixth sense was right.
As usual.
I’m hoping this will give me the righteous anger to move on.
Thanks for listening to me whine, everyone.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
Well well well, my sixth sense was right.
As usual.
I’m hoping this will give me the righteous anger to move on.
Thanks for listening to me whine, everyone.
[/QUOTE]
Everyone gets to whinge every once in a while, it’s just your turn now.
I would like to say that I have to thank you for many laughs when I was feeling crap. I won’t say ‘it will all work out’ because I always want to poke people in the eye when they say that.
I’ll just say you seem like a very decent, sincere type and I hope she remembers that but if she doesn’t I’m sure you can find a pointy stick. 
Worst comes to worst…have a pint, have a laugh…go to work (rinse and repeat!) until symptoms desist.
[QUOTE=jjimm]
Also, yesterday, I found myself ogling another woman in the street, and flirting with a girl at the checkout in a store, which are both things I have not been at all interested in since things went wrong.
[/QUOTE]
It is a sign of recovery when you can consider other women in any sense at all, I’ve found. I’m relatively sane now after 6 months of fluctuating misery, and you have my sympathy. Fortunately my ex has got a job in the Middle East, so she will be truly out of my hair in two weeks…
If you find yourself in Bristol, bear in mind that I’m a seasoned Sorrow-drowner.. 
[QUOTE=jjimm]
Well well well, my sixth sense was right.
As usual.
I’m hoping this will give me the righteous anger to move on.
[/QUOTE]
Consider it a blessing in disguise. You found your weapons of mass destruction, and now you can get the hell out of Iraq, and move on to invading other countries. (Okay, not a perfect metaphor by any stretch, but work with me, here.)
[QUOTE=jjimm]
Thanks for listening to me whine, everyone.
[/QUOTE]
Whining? Listen, buster, you don’t know what whining is until you’ve whined about not having a date in six years. I’ll show you whining…
Stranger
jjimm, did you tell her where to stick her wedding ring?
Nos.
Hope this doesn’t constitute a zombie, but I thought I’d update and clarify a couple of things in a thread that I was too upset to carry on with at the time.
The OP, posted in the depths of despair, wasn’t about my marriage: it was actually about the girl I was seeing for a few months just after my marital breakup (which had been perfectly amicable - and we remain good friends).
Turns out that the suspicions I had were not only totally and utterly correct, but I have recently discovered that they were justifiable way before I had thought they were. Around three weeks before we actually split up, I believe. There was so much circumstantial evidence, even if I just scratched the surface, but I finally had independent confirmation this week.
Turns out too, that the reasons she gave for the breakup - and for which I apologised, to my regret - were largely bull. She had done something bad - that she’d told me was totally contrary to her personal morals - and was clutching at straws to attempt to justify her behaviour.
I guess it was a coup de foudre for her - she moved in with him last month - but she pursued this new relationship while still with me, without doing the decent thing, then continued to lie about it, for weeks, until it became undeniable.
Three months’ constant exposure to her, and her with him, really did for me. Then and afterwards I suffered months of agony and misery and depression.
It’s seven months on, though, and I am feeling good again (with one minor exception). She left the company in August and though she emailed a few times, I decided not to reply, or communicate with her again.
I have had to see her a couple of times since, though I haven’t spoken to her, and will continue to do so in the future - tomorrow included. Such contact still makes me so angry I shake, because of what she did while she was with me, and the lies she told. I am still working on getting to a state of neutrality about it, but am not there yet.
But on the good side I have made lots of positive changes in my life.
After the breakup I couldn’t eat, and I lost more than 20 lbs in a month, and I’ve kept most of it off. Took up running as an antidepressant and loved it, to my surprise. Got a fantastic roommate who is rapidly becoming a very close friend. Started a singing project, and we have our first gig booked for April. Made some new buddies. Flirted with lots of people. Drank a lot. Had some cheap sex. Went on a date. Got turned down by a couple of women and wasn’t crushed. Learned some truths about myself, my good points and my bad, and stuff about my somewhat fucked-up emotional inner life that I hadn’t really thought about or acknowledged before. Went on three mini vacations. Had a lot of fun. My social life has never been so full. Met a new girl and have started a tentative relationship. I’ve really never been so busy in my life.
Anyone who’s going through breakup despair at the moment, I just want to say: it will get better. And if you put your mind to it, and act positively, it will even get better than it was before. Just hang in there. Time and a bit of positive effort will get you through.
And, never ignore your intuition.