Nude model's hubby wishes she would stop posing while pregnant. Should he speak up?

Yes, it’s a Skaldthetical with storytelling OP. If you don’t like 'em, there’s the door. There may be a poll, but then again, there may not be. I never know till I hit submit.

Today’s story is about** Micheal **and his wife Hope. He’s in his late 30s; she’s in her late 20s. Michael’s a physics professor at a private university. He met Hope in the university library, when she commented cruelly but amusingly on the book he was reading, Lewis’s The Monk. At first he mistook her for a grad student or young professor, but in fact she was a model working for one of the school’s art classes, in between assignments just as he was in between classes. They hit off immediately, dated briefly, and a married little over a year ago.

Hope has done a great deal of modeling, both clothed and nude, for painters, photographers, and occasionally film; some of it was fetish work, though it ever reached the level of porn. The idea of so many other people seeing her naked form bothered Michael a little, but he always kept that to himself; and, in fact, he was a sometimes excited by it, and it definitely stroked his ego that this smart, beautiful woman had chosen him. Moreover, he knew her career was probably winding down. Hope told him early in the courtship that, practically speaking, she knew she’d be working less and less as her fourth decade approached, so soon she planned to stop modeling and return to grad school her MBA after hitting the big 3-0. In short, he never saw a point in messing with a good thing by opening his mouth.

Hope’s grad school plans have been put on hold for the time being. Shortly after they married, she got pregnant; now she’s in her last trimester with their mutual first child. That’s where the trouble comes in. You see, Sean --one of the photographers who most often employed Hope in her single days wants to use her again for a series of photos – mostly nude and often fetish – with the twist that at least one of the models in every picture would be pregnant. Sean wants Hope to the the center of this series, much of which will certainly be on the net and which may well be made into a book.

Seeing this as her last hurrah, Hope is thrilled by this project. Michael is not. In fact, he’s had difficulty sleeping ever since Hope told him about it. For Hope to be photographed naked while heavily pregnant seems, to him, to be exposing a more private and intimate part of her–of their life together–than her prior nudes ever did; morever, he doesn’t like the idea of their child seeing those pictures in the future. He doesn’t think he has the right or authority to tell her not to accept this job, of course; but the thought of it is highly disturbing.

Hope hasn’t yet signed any contracts or made any firm commitments to Sean about this series. Should Michael share his concerns? Shut the hell up? Something else?

Poll in a moment.

The wisdom we can glean from cartoons… I would like to paraphrase that great sage, Super Chicken:

“You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Mike.”

By all means, Michael should voice his misgivings. Communication is key to relationships. So I voted that he should do so. But asking her to give up the job, given that our narrator has given us the view that Hope views his as her last hurrah, seems to be a recipe for resentment down the line. Michael should demonstrate genre savvy and let her take the pics.

Michael should have discussed this before now. He doesn’t have the right to tell Hope what to do but he should have expressed his feelings about her modeling before the wedding - it’s a sign of some significant differences of opinion between the two that should be out in the open.

There will always be differences of opinions when you are committed relationship and especially when there are kids.

The key is to communicate.

He point is completely reasonable, in that he sees a difference, and the fact that he recognizes that he doesn’t have the authority to say no makes him all that much more reasonable.

I agree with his point that the future child’s thoughts need to be taken into consideration. It’s soft porn or close to, which makes a difference.

I don’t know if it would bother me or not, as my wife isn’t a nude model and isn’t the type to be one, so I can’t really predict how my emotional reaction would be.

I voted Michael should voice his misgivings and ask Hope to give up this job.

If Hope refuses and does it anyway, considering Michael’s never asked her anything like this before (presumably), I think that would speak volumes of her level of respect (or lack thereof) for her husband.

Sometimes when you’re married you’ve gotta give up stuff from time to time. In good marriages, both parties bend on occasion. I’ve never seen a marriage last in which one of the parties has an “I’m gonna do whatever I want to do regardless of what you think or how you feel about it” attitude, male or female.

She has been and is a NUDE model, he needs to put on his big boy panties and deal with it. He did not object previously, so it is not fair to eliminate what is probably her final project ever. He can let her know it makes him upset but that is it.

I said he should voice his misgivings and ask Hope to not take the job.

Voicing his misgivings and NOT coming to the point of asking her is just passive-aggressive bullshit. “Hey, this really bothers me. Want some coffee? So, anyway, whatever you want. Ok, off for work!” In both cases he’s “asking” her not to do it but in one case he’s being an adult about expressing his wants.

I said he should voice his frustrations and ASK her not to take the job. This is partially biased because I really don’t like those pregnant lady shots to me; they just don’t seem right. But Michael certainly has a right not to like it, and she has a right to not listen, but that would cause friction. And sometimes you do something for your SO.

But I wouldn’t really like the nude modelling either.

I took advantage of the fact that the poll structure permits multiple votes, and cast three votes.

Michael should voice his misgivings but not ask Hope to give up this job.

Michael is some crucial information about Hope, and her needs, desires, and attitudes*. Until they have that first (very belated) conversation about how Michael really feels regarding Hope’s job, Hope herself hasn’t really made an informed decision about how much she wants this gig.

Michael should voice his misgivings and ask Hope to give up this job.

But only AFTER they have had the conversation, and she has invited him to ask her to (assuming he still feels that way).

Which is why: Silly rabbit! You left out an option, namely <(see above)>.

*Unless he does already have that information, and the OP is withholding that from us; I do not believe this is the case, so I’m provisionally proceeding on the assumption that he does not.

This was exactly my reasoning for the same choice.

I would vote for talking about it, as an aim to resolving the feelings, or (if they decide) the situation. Obviously there’s a chance that what they want is completely contradictory, but surprisingly often, I find that it isn’t – for instance, he discovers that her modelling makes him insecure because he feels it implies [blah], but she really DOESN’T think it implies [blah], and it turns out that knowing she (really and truly) doesn’t feel like that makes it ok for him too.

A comparison might be, suppose he has a job as a day trader, or some other job which is socially respectable, but she thinks is being an unethical leach on society. Should they (a) supress her feelings and not talk about it (b) ask him to give up his job or © talk about whether he thinks that his job actually is useful for society, or if not, if that matters, and then fall back to a or b if they still disagree. I think most people would understand c, and also, I think the social respectibility makes a big difference (the money is important too, but I think most people can see how that matters, but are affected more subconsciously by the social acceptibility).

I think it also makes a difference to what extent his objections to the photo shoot are ones most people would agree with. They don’t have to agree with what most people think, and shouldn’t without deciding for themselves, but in terms of who chooses to compromise what, it makes some difference.

It depends heavily what its actually like, which unfortunately isn’t fully specified by “mostly nude and often fetish” (and indeed, the couple may have different ideas, which is one thing they should talk about). If these are specifically erotic “porn-like” photos, I think most people would be understandably (whether or not correctly) squicked by erotic “porn-like” photos of a heavily pregnant woman, and even if Hope wants to do it, she should consider whether it’s a good idea. If these are more “art” photographs, the “making a point that pregnancy is normal and good” or “pregnant women are people too” sort of thing, Michael should consider if he’s got unescessarily negative stereotypes about the process.

And note, ironically, photos for mainstream magazines are often much, much more nastily sexualised than spontaneous photography I’ve seen from friends who identify as BDSM people, which often heavily, heavily emphasises the “everyone consents, everyone enjoys” idea. So it depends exactly what it means by “fetish, but not quite porn”.

If the nude modeling makes Michael uncomfortable, he should say so and the sooner the better.

If pregnant nude modeling makes Michael extra uncomfortable, he should say so and the sooner the better.

And while Michael doesn’t have the right to tell her to give up the job or demand it, he should ASK so that she’s clear about what would make him happy, and can act on the information as she sees fit.

Well, that’s only because you’re sane, honey.

What about it bothers you?

Michael has never voiced his concerns about her job before, right? Then he should shut up now, too. Sure, it was OK when he was getting something out of it, but now that he’s extra uncomfortable, he’s going to rain on her parade? Naaaah.

And let’s be honest, here - raising the objection is as good as asking her to not take the job, so I think that’s a meaningless distinction between those two poll options.

I’d feel different about it if Michael had made a habit of voicing his earlier objections to his wife’s profession before. But now, the price of having been a big wet for a year is…having to be a big wet one last time.

As for this “sometimes you do something for your SO” idea, yes, it’s true - sometimes you keep your trap shut.

ETA: and his objection about the future kid seeing it is so much crap. There’s nothing wrong with nude bodies, kid should be proud.

We agree in a poll (except that I’m not sure I know what being a “big wet” means). I think this means the world’s ending.

I think you may not have read the OP as carefully as you might have. It isn’t simple nudity that Hope will be doing. It will be fetish work with other models. A lot of kids would find that disturbing.

He should shut up about it. If he had issues with her modeling, he shouldn’t have married her.

Michael should speak up but not say a word about asking her to not pose. Perhaps Hope will stop being thrilled if she knows that Michael is so unhappy. If it comes out afterwards, she might say, “Oh, honey! Why didn’t you say something at the time? If I’d known it upset you so much, I never would have…” blah blah blah.

I mean, that’s the unknown factor. How does she feel about his feelings?

Would you feel the same if Hope’s modeling before the marriage had always been clothed, and the nudity were new? Or if she wanted to do flat-out porn?

Put a different way: does her being pregnant make the nude modeling qualitatively different than it was before she was with child?

Yes, starting nude modeling after they got together would be different.

Being pregnant does not change anything.

I said he should tell her how he feels, but not ask her to skip the job.

I disagree that this is necessarily passive aggressive. Sometimes, it’s a good idea to just tell the people who are close to you how you feel. There’s certainly a way to discuss this sort of thing without being emotionally manipulative.

Maybe together they’ll come up with a solution that keeps them both happy. Maybe Michael will discover that after voicing his feelings about the shoot, he’ll be able to sleep because he longer feels personally conflicted about them.