Nursing Job essay. Opinions? Advice?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have just graduated from nursing school, (Yay, me!), but one of the jobs I am applying for requires an essay on “My Path to a Nursing Career”. One page, double spaced. I thought I’d throw it up here in IMHO to get any advice. It’s below (though not double spaced on the SDMB) :

    When I first graduated high school in 1992, I had the intention of becoming an engineer, but I was never quite able to give up my love of medicine.  Consequently, I ended up changing my major at Auburn University from Chemical Engineering to Molecular Biology.  After being awarded a B.S., I began work for the University researching muscular dystrophy in dogs.  I was eventually lured away by Children's Health Care of Atlanta to work as a genetic lab technician.  Financial considerations eventually led me to take a job as an Environmental Specialist for a civil engineering combany.

However, I never forgot my love for medicine.  When the environmental department was all but abolished at the civil engineering company I was working for and I ended up in Saint Simon's in need of another career, nursing was one of the first paths to come to mind.  

I have always had an unfulfilled passion to have a career where I work  with people and help them directly.  The majority of the positions listed above did not provide that, which may be part of the reason I was also taking part time jobs in customer service fields to augment my finances.  In hindsight, I think I took those part time jobs less for the money, but to get out of the lab and talk to people.

The decision to pursue Nursing was not one I made lightly.  It will require hard work, long hours, and the ability to withstand stress.  I can't wait.  I was dying on the vine when I was working in an office.  I thrive when  helping people, enjoy developing technical skills, and don't mind long hours.  I even have an overall plan as to how I want my nursing career to progress, with it eventually leading to becoming a Family Nurse Practitioner.  I am looking forward to this more than anything I have ever worked toward in my life.
2

So, pick it apart, everybody. Tell me what needs to be adjusted. I’m not in love with the second paragraph, nor am I in love with the ending. I think it’s pretty good, but it could be better.

Hence asking you people :smiley:

3

Good things

  • Well written, articulate and organized. Shows you have no problem communicating.
  • Nicely highlights an impressive history of education and work in technical fields (although depending on the job people might wonder if you will burn out for lack of intellectual stimulation).

Things to consider changing

  • The essay is nearly half over before you get to nursing, and even then the reference is somewhat weak. You might want to start out with an introductory sentence that gives a strong statement of how you and nursing are meant, as in destined, to be together.

  • Similar to the above, the tone of your story, especially the beginning, makes it sound like you have been a victim of circumatstances, have dabbled in various things that fizzled, and now have washed upon the shore of nursing and decided to give it a try. Thankfully the tone changes in the second part. I would try to recast the first part so it comes across less like you were buffeted by life towards nursing, and more like you were searching for it, and finally found what you’d wanted all along.

Good luck with your job app!

Eta: I really like the ending. Your commitment and passion come through, and you mention a plan for down the road. You come across as actively shaping your path. That’s just the tone I think the first part needs more of.

4

Thank’s, Oly. That’s exactly what I want here.

5

Try: “I’m eager to begin my nursing career with (NAME OF HOSPITAL OR WHATEVER IT IS.)”

Overall, this is pretty good, but tightening it up will help.

6

Similar to what Oly said, I would not start by talking about previous career ideas that you decided not to pursue. I also note that nursing (vs other science fields) first comes up because you mention that you lost your job and basically needed to come up with something. I would try to phrase it as something more proactive.

Just of the top of my head:
“I choose to pursue nursing because I wanted to combine my interest in medicine with my desire to work directly with patients on a day-to-day basis. Previously I have worked in genetic research … I enjoyed the scientific thinking these jobs required, but also missed the element of personal interaction that I had at other jobs in customer service…”

I wrote a grad school essay once where I started out with a similar opening, “When I graduated from high school…” I showed it to a few people, the first comment from one friend was “Why are you talking about high school if you’re applying to grad school?” Basically her point was that since you’ve been out of college for a while, you should be drawing from you adult/professional years, and those experiences should be your key points that you lead with. You’re making a business case for yourself, you don’t have to tell the story in strict chronological order.

7

Thanks, everybody. I’ve taking your advice and made some changes. I want everybody to pick this one apart even more than you did the last one. I kinda feel like I lost the “flow” a bit. Sugar and Spice, apologies for stealing your line word for word. I hope that doesn’t count as plagiarism. :slight_smile: Anyway, here it is:

I chose to pursue a career in Nursing because I wanted to combine my interest in medicine with my desire to work directly with patients on a day-to-day basis. For as long as I can remember, have always loved medical care and all aspects of science. After being awarded a B.S. In molecular biology from Auburn University, I began work for the University researching muscular dystrophy in dogs. I was later lured away by Children’s Health Care of Atlanta to work as a genetic lab technician. Financial considerations eventually led me to take a job as an Environmental Specialist for a civil engineering company. However, I never forgot my love for medicine. At thirty five years old, I finally decided to make the leap into Nursing care and I enrolled at The College of Coastal Georgia.

I have always had an unfulfilled passion to have a career where I work  with people and help them directly.  The majority of the positions listed above did not provide that, which may be part of the reason I was also taking part time jobs in customer service fields to augment my finances.  In hindsight, I think I took those part time jobs less for the money, but to get out of the lab and talk to people.  

The decision to pursue Nursing was not one I made lightly.  It will require hard work, long hours, and the ability to withstand stress.  I can't wait.  I was dying on the vine when I was working in an office.  I thrive when  helping people, enjoy developing technical skills, and don't mind long hours. The satisfaction I experienced working directly with patients both during clinicals and during the SGHS summer program has convinced me I made the right decision.  I even have an overall plan as to how I want my nursing career to progress, with it eventually leading to becoming a Family Nurse Practitioner.  I am looking forward to this career more than anything I have ever worked toward in my life.
8

A couple minor things-

  • The second sentence is missing an “I” after the coma.
  • The last sentence of second paragraph I’d change from “… for the money, but to…” to “…for the money, and more to…”

Other than that, I’d run with it. You have reached the point where any more fiddling would be over thinking and likely amount to diluting and weakening it. It’s excellent as is.

Congratulations and good luck.