As a spinoff from this thread:
In case anyone’s interested, I happen to have in my grubby little hands the transcript for the phone call between Barack Obama & Vladmir Putin from last week (as referenced at the end of this article), delivered straight to my door by passenger pigeon:
Putin: Da?
Obama: Vlad.
Putin: Ah, Barry. Hello, my good friend! How are you today?
Obama: What the FUCK are you doing?
Putin: Who, me? What doing am I?
Obama: Don’t play games, caviar-breath. You’ve invaded Crimea. What the FUCK is that about?
Putin: Oh that thing. Caught me, you did. We want Crimea, and maybe Ukraine. We take now. What you do about it, eh?
Obama: Do you have any fucking clue who you are messing with?
Putin: Of course we know, that why we take. Your military not so strong as Cold War, yes? You spread thin all over, yes?
Obama: …
Putin: America top dog, no longer. We show world that Russia can do what we want. We do what we want, eh comrade?
Obama: …
Putin: We know Ukraine not part of NATO. They not part of EU, either. We take because we can. What you going to do, kick us out of G8? Haha, so scared we are. You can’t do anything more than that.
Obama: Vlad…
Putin: Yes?
Obama: We have nukes.
Putin: We too. You forget?
Obama: Oh, right.
Putin: What you do then?
Obama: Vlad…
Putin: In fact, we make missile test like we tell you last week, just to make sure. We know you not nuke anyone, you people not happy with nuke anyone.
Obama: Vlad…do you know what a “false flag operation” is?
Putin: We…oh, shit.
Obama: Catch my drift?
Putin: …
Obama: Are you still there, Vlad?
Putin: You crazy.
Obama: That’s right, motherfucker. I’m a crazy motherfucker. If you watch Fox News or listen to Rush Limbaugh, you’d think I’m just a weak-ass sucka from the south side of Chicago. But I’m a bad motherfucker, and everybody who needs to know, knows it. Do you read the Bible, Vlad?
Putin: Bible? What you mean?
Obama: There’s this passage I’ve got memorized, Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to–”
Putin: Oh ya, ya I know what you talk about. I have movie on Blu-Ray. Okay Barry, you make your point.
Obama: I thought that might get your attention.
Putin: By the way, that not exactly what Ezekiel say. Quentin Tarantino change words to make more dramatic.
Obama: …the hell you say?
Putin: It is true. Let me Google for you…
Obama: Never mind, never mind. My point is, there’s only one Top Dog on this planet, and it’s us. U.S. Never forget that. But don’t worry, we’ve left you a back door to weasel your way out of this mess and still save face. In fact, our diplomatic courier has left a package for you, you should already have it in your office.
Putin: Ah yes, package here. What this about?
Obama: I want you to reach inside and grab the wallet on top. It’s the one that says “Bad Mother Fucker” on it. Put it in your pocket, it’s yours.
Putin: Already have taken, I open now. I see…oh, my!
Obama: Feel better, motherfucker?
Putin: That nice. Very, very nice! When you make good on promise?
Obama: Soon, very soon. And don’t worry about your military bases in Sevastopol, we’ll find a way for you guys to extend the lease. And we’ll organize an election for Crimea to VOTE on whether or not they remain part of Ukraine. They may even choose to join Russia, but don’t bank it.
Putin: Ah yes, democracy. Interesting system of government, eh? As long as the people think they are free…
Obama: Haha, yeah we both know about that. Why do you think America hasn’t had a civil war in 150 years? It’s because people still believe in the Illusion of Democracy. Don’t worry, we know you’re kinda knew to all this, what with the Soviet Union collapsing only 23 years ago.
Putin: Yes, yes. We still have nukes, remember?
Obama: Nukes, schmukes, you know it will never come to that. Well, except maybe North Korea…
Putin: Not if we nuke 'em first.
Obama: Plenty of time for that later, my friend. Plenty of time. Now, I’d say with what you got in that wallet, and possibly even Crimea, that makes this a pretty successful little score, don’t you think?
Putin: Eh? Oh yes…wallet. Spasiba, my good friend. Balʹshoye spasiba. Oh, and congratulations, my friend, on finally locating birth certificate. Some Americans still don’t believe it real, eh?
Obama: …
Putin: Sorry, it was joke.
Obama: Don’t make me angry, Vlad. You won’t like me when I’m angry.
Putin: Okay, okay. I have to take other call, now. As they say, see you on Dark Side of Moon, eh?
Obama: [laughs] Once they arrive, yes. Once they arrive.
Putin: Always wonder about Area 51.
Obama: Area 52, it’s Area 52. There’s nothing in Area 51, that’s a mislead.
Putin: Knew that I did. [laughs]
Obama: You cagey bastard. Gotta run, Michelle’s making tea & crumpets. Later, yo.