My mother is completely incapable of recognising that other people occasionally have interests separate from her own. I’m watching TV/reading/studying/posting here/etc, in other words quite obviously giving something my full attention. She’ll wander up and start talking as if I was actually engaged in conversation with her and my primary activity was the distraction. Anyone else would wait for an ad break or whatever, or at least say ‘excuse me’ and wait for a response. She’ll just start yapping on (usually about something really trivial - if it was important I wouldn’t mind) and then get really irritated when I politely say that I’m busy at the moment and not really interested in discussing what my cousin wore to her formal. I then get abused for being ‘antisocial’. It’s not like she’s stupid (she’s a doctor), just inconsiderate and annoying at times.
Perhaps it has to do with training your brain for “multi-tasking.” You can be zoned out as a kid, then snap out of it when you have to get things done.
When my mom is really busy, she seems to be able to pull everything together. Everything is snap-snap efficient! (If a little melodramatic.) And she was actually the careful one! She’s the daughter-in-law my grandparents bequeathed delicate items too because she’d be cautious enough not to break them.
She was the sole income earning parent, had to work a tough job, manage a household, pay all the bills, and see to it that was wasn’t left to my own devices too long. Never saw that oblivious chaos.
In times that weren’t so busy - that’s when she seemed the most oblivious.
I think now that’s she has retired and isn’t actively out and about, her obliviousness is blooming again.
Get her busy and she gets back into the swing of things.
But the loud clattery-bang-bang and heavy footedness looks like it’s a permantent thing. sigh
Hate to break it to y’all, but its a statistical probablity that many of the folks you describe are doing these things on purpose. In other words, malice and evil. Statistically speaking, of course.
I sort of have to agree with Ludovic with some qualifications - I think there are a good many people who are so completely into their own thing that they cannot be bothered to consider their effect on others, and when you draw their attention to this, they get defensive, then malicious about it. I honestly think it’s passive-aggressive behavior, and it drives me batshit.
On the other hand, there are a fair number of people who truly do not realize they’re three-dimensional. The WryGuy is one of these people - he’ll always step MOSTLY out of your way, and he does attempt to be courteous, but you still can’t get past him because he thinks you’re only two inches wide. I spend a lot of time grabbing him by the sleeve and hauling him out of other people’s way.
nemesis goes shopping - nemesis stood outside entrance to supermarket - sees the gaggle of dithering aliens from the planet obliviousness blocking the way in - all gathered in the entrance.
nemesis “ahhmm… Excuse me”…
Aliens form the planet obliviousness (aftpo) to each other “…babble gaggle rhubarb…”
nemesis… “'scuse, could i just get past please…”
Aftpo “…bleat gaggle burble…”
nemesis “MOVE OUTA MY FUCKING WAY I AM FUCKING STARVING AND WANNA BUY ME FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD”
Aftpo “…OOOhhh how rooooooooooooooooooooooood!!..”
gahhhhh
i would not mind but there is acres of space, all covered and nice and warm, both sides of the entrance where people can gather in their multitudes and now get in anyone’s way - but where do these inconsiderate bubble brains gather - the fucking door way.
I think it comes down to how you were brought up, i really do.
i tell ya, when i were a kid, if i dithered for more than a second in a doorway, me dad would tear me away by my ear and tell me to get outta peoples way. My parents keeping me on a short leash in public thought me my chain link sense.
thanks, i feel better now.
I Do have ADD. I just found out recently and on behalf of all the mom’s everywhere that did not have this diagnosis available when they were children I apologize for the idiosyncratic behaviors, of the coping skills we were forced to develop, and the isolate results of ignorant people who could not tolerate another human being’s differences.
Even though you cannot tolerate these behaviors in your mothers, it is nice you can joke about them and attempt to help her when she is with you. You have no idea how hard she has struggled to survive over the years to form you into good little dopers.
My main problem keeping me from exercising my 3 bachelors degrees is the inability to converse. If you talk for too long, I can’t remember what you said in the beginning. I interrupt just to keep from forgetting my responses to you.
I also can’t keep from saying exactly what is on my mind, even if it has nothing to do with what we were talking about. My honesty has gotten me into trouble as well. Not realizing that not a lot of people like to hear the truth, or are even mildly interested in what I have to say.
If I get no response to this…oooops…I did it again
Agree with Ludovic and LifeonWry that some of this could be passive-aggressiveness, like …
vacuuming in the morning … she wants everybody to get up early like she has
locking keys in car, forgetting things, etc. … this could be a way of getting attention or making you spend time doing something for her … my girlfriend does this kind of stuff all the time, and i swear sometimes it’s on purpose
i hope she wouldn’t slam a child’s hand in the car door on purpose, though
Eats_Crayons, you must be my sister. WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER, and no, she isn’t crazy, suffering from ADD, in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She’s just TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS!!!
My mother gets SOOOOOOOOO distracted at things too. She’ll start a project in one room, go to another room to get something, and start a new project in THAT room. Later, when she passes by project #1, she’ll suddenly remember that she was originally doing that and restart it!!! It just goes on from there. I
A question for you Eats_Crayons, how is your mom with computers? To me, using computers requires a higher than average chain link sense. If this theory is correct, you’re mom’s PC will be a festering pile of virii and porn since she’s likely to click on any dodgy link that appears.
kferr actually, she’s not bad with computers. Mind you, I was proactive and got her a Mac to lesson the chances of virus infection. She does better with computers because her mind set is different. Computers are “technical” therefore, they are “diffiuclt” and so “require a great deal of thought and concentration.”
So she is very concientious and fastidious using her computer. She forgets some things, like how to send attachments, but then she’ll call me at work, ask, and then write it down and not bother me about it again.
She’s quite smart and figures things out based on logic, though it’ll be by one step at a time. I was pretty impressed with how quickly she got the hang of it actually.
Bwa-ha-ha-ha! sniff Sorry, you don’t know my mom, that was funny. No, no, it’s isn’t passive aggression. It’s just a plain old lack of awareness and bad Chain Link Sense - a lack of foresight.
She lives in another town and has a busy social life, so when she does something like lock her keys inthe car she is the one who is inconvenienced, she is the one who gets in a tizzy because she has people waiting on her. Her dishes are the ones that get wrecked because she doesn’t think about dropping cutlery into the sink instead of placing it.
Much of the times I’m am aware of the results of her obliviousness well after the fact, and for the most part it usually doesn’t affect anyone else, but her.
When she visits for an extended period, then I get ancy because I hear how rough she is with my stuff, and the general noisy din she creates stresses me out. And since she’s now used to living alone she is doubly unaware about how her actions (and volume) may affect others
e.g./ she can vacuum in her own home at 7 a.m. without affecting anyone, but - hello! - when you have guests or you are a guest, you might want to refrain from being noisy while others are sleeping.
Ooh ! my husband is the same way. Drives me bonkers.
He constantly leaves clutter around, like jars without lids on them, open cupboard doors, wet towels dropped on the floor. I’ve been going with the theory that maybe he’ll get so annoyed with my constant nagging that he’ll remember to do it himself. It kind of works, but not as often as I would have expected (and hoped!). He’s just focused on his goal (eg showering and getting dressed) and doesn’t realize that that goal sometimes causes lots of other tasks that need to be done (eg hanging up the towel). He honestly doesn’t think about it.
And the consequences (eg having to use a wet towel the next day, because his wife couldn’t be bothered to pick up after him, again; or stepping on something breakable because he left it on the floor) don’t seem to bother him.
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can’t ever have nice stuff or a consistently clean home.
You may want to rethink that ADD thing with your Mom, kiddo. The above is very typical of how the ADD brain works. I won’t hijack this thread with bunches of ADD stuff, but once again I’d like to point out that the word “deficit” in attention deficit disorder is often misleading, and the focus should be on the other two words: attention disorder. When we wacky ADD types can make ourselves pay attention, we tend to be really good at it. This is, of course, just another generalization, and YMMV, etc. but it’s not outside the realm of possibility.
And I wouldn’t completely discount the passive-aggressive thing, either. While she may not consciously be trying to bother people, she may well have benefitted from her obliviousness in ways she’s not even aware of, thus developing a habit of those behaviors. She may protest that being rescued from her own foibles is embarrassing and inconvenient for her, but she’s receiving attention - and subtle reinforcement for those habits.
Then again, I’m no shrink, so take that for whatever you think it’s worth.
Any chance your Mom is from Saudi Arabia? She would fit right in here.
I will second that
How much you wanna bet these people are all opposed to lighter restrictions on concealed weapon carry, since they would be among the first to die.
Argh.
Okay, perhaps I should make this clear. Mom_Crayons is a well-known community mediator and counselor. She’s worked extensively with children and adults with ADD, ADHD and a myriad of other problems, from schizophrenia, to addiction.
Has she been tested for ADD herself? Sure, along with everything else under the sun because she also worked at a clinic that had plenty of students and volunteered when they had to practice implementing and evaluating tests.
She does not have any of the signs of ADD, although her TB test came back positive. (Grew up on a farm, drank unpasteurized milk - can cause positive results on the prick test.) Originally, I was going to copy-paste the long list of ADD/ADHD signs, but that would be too long and silly. Trust me.
As for her extra-special focus when using computers? Mom_Crayons is apprehensive about “high tech.” So is her sister. They were raised with the mythos that “technology is for boys.” So she approaches computers with overblown diligence and the fear that she’ll somehow “mess it up.” So she pays a ridiculous amount of extra care and attention.
She is not passive-aggressive in the least. Her mediation skills are also carried out in daily life. If she misses me, she just calls and says “Crayons, I haven’t seen much of you in several weeks and would love to spend time with you…”
As for the “rescuing” theory that “rewards” her (non-existant) “passive-aggressive” behaviour. I’m afraid I have to be offended on her behalf. Mom_Crayons is extremely independent. She doesn’t get rescued. If something happens, she deals with it herself.
She may, slam the car door locking her keys inside, but I won’t hear about it until much later. “Oh, hey. Did I tell you what I did the other week? I locked the keys in the car. Had to walk home and break into the house for my spares. I wasted the entire afternoon!”
This makes me realise how dangerous board diagnoses can be. With only a small bit of knowledge - Mom_Crayons is oblivious - there are theories of passive-aggression or ADD/ADHD? There is a much bigger picture that can’t be ignored (such as a total lack of any other signs).
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Mom_Crayons is oblivious. That’s it.
Wow. I did not expect the thread to go this way - unfounded amateur diagnoses… I’m sure I’ve done the same myself in the past, but will be sure not to offer an unsolicited “diagnosis” myself ever again. Now that I see how far off base they can be without the proper background knowledge.