Oblivious People Make Me Crazy (longish)

The BBQ Pit
1

Argh. Mom_Crayons is stressing me out and I really, really needed a chance to relax over the holidays.

Mom_Crayons (henceforth: “M_C”) is an Oblivious Person, and therefore her actions are routinely Thoughtless. Now, let’s be clear, M_C is an intelligent, well-spoken, well-educated woman, who is one of the kindest, caring individuals I’ve known. She is not conciously inconsiderate and would never disregard someone else’s feelings. However, she lacks any awareness of her environment and anyone else in it. She is an Oblivious Person.

The range of the resulting effects can very in severity:

From:

  1. The benignly inconvenient: Locking keys in the car; misplacing her puse when you’re in a hurry

  2. The infuriating: Starting to vaccuum early in the morning when everyone is sleeping soundly (and it’s not her turn to vacuum, anyway)

  3. The harmful: Slamming a car door without first checking to be sure young hands and feet are clear; just “letting go” of her end, without warning, when helping to carry something heavy - thus breaking the heavy object and injuring the party she was “helping”. (Dammit, if it’s too heavy and you have to set it down, just say so don’t insist on helping then just let go.)

  4. The dangerous: Almost getting into a car accident because she was starteld by the movements of a cyclist who was far ahead and clearly signalled his lane change well in advance. Driving at all. (Oblivious People shouldn’t drive - no sense of what other cars are doing.)

Generalization: Oblivious People are not gentle to their surroundings. They navigate through space awkwardly because they have no “big picture” sense of their immediate environment. They handle objects roughly. And so, there is always the clamor of a whirlwind crashing through the room!

M_C does not “close” cupboard doors with a complete gesture, but flings them shut. She does not “place” silverware in the sink, but drops it from above, throws it in the drawers while rummaging around. (The wear and tear this causes is evident in her own home where her cupboard doors have been replaced twice, her kitchen drawers are stacked one on top of the other because their abused rails no longer support them, and her dishes are chipped and smashed).

I don’t worry much about the damage she can cause while visiting. Although she has broken two glasses already. Rather it’s the clatter, the noise! The sound of someone smashing dishes around (in some cases literally). Stomping as if even her tiny barefeet were made of lead so that Sniffs_Markers must leave her apartment below because the thundering steps fray her nerves.

I needed some peace and quiet! I yearned for weeks for the holiday time when I could sit and read - do nothing! The noise of her visit is stressing me out!

Alas, there appears to be no cure. You can’t train someone to be mindful of th space around them. M_C can be careful but only of the things that are right in front of her face. She has never been able to cultivate a sense of her presence in her environment.

So I must be patient, and vigilant. I must weather the loud din of her visits, and guard myself against the harm of her unintentional thoughtlessness. Because a lapse in vigilance can hurt:

Crayons: “Okay, Mom. I’m going to take a shower. Don’t use ANY water while I’m in the shower, or I could get frozen or scalded.”

M_C: “Okay.”

Crayons (calling from the hall): “I’m going into the bathroom now. For my shower. Don’t use any water.”

M_C: “Okay!”

Crayons (poking head into hall): “I’m starting my shower right now.”

M_C (impatiently): “Okay!”

I turn on the taps, get the water to the right temperature, hesitate… then I hear a change in the sound of the pipes. The steam becomes suddenly thick.

Crayons (sticking head out into the hall): “Ma! DON’T USE THE WATER! I could get scalded!!!”

M_C (annoyed): “Okay, okay! I was just rinsing a glass!”

I climb into the shower, rub shampoo in my hair, and I am scalded. Painfully.

M_C had turned on the washing machine.

2

M_C sounds a lot like me when I don’t take my medication. Has she been tested for ADD?

3

…and like my grandmother, who is in early stages of Alzheimer’s. How old is she? Was she always like this?

4

Them she does not have ADD (in fact her general behaviour is almost the exact opposite of the classic signs of ADD or ADHD), and yup, she’s always been like this.

It’s simple obliviousness… like, if we’re walking down a sidewalk and a kid on a bike is coming up behind us, I’ll fall in step behind her, giving him the space to pass. At the last minute, she’ll step out in front of the kid 'causing him to swerve and crash. She had seen the kid on the bike earlier, but didn’t have the intuitive sense that “oh, he’s moving faster than us, therefore he’ll overtake, best move out of the way to make it easier.”

Some people just don’t have an intuitive sense of their surroundings. She is one of them.

She is not scatterbrained, nor forgetful, nor easily distracted, she just doesn’t have that instinctive spacial navigation sense, and she doesn’t always think of the greater cause-and-effect implications of her actions.

Yes, she was “just rinsing a glass” and yes, it probably took all of three seconds of using the water, but that five seconds is enough to scald someone. She turned on the washing machine because she didn’t quite make the connection that she was “using water” (it’s not like running a tap, when you see the water), she’d just flipped a switch out of force of habit.

5

Hmm Eats

Are we related somehow, because you have pretty much described my mother.

 I have long refused to cook unless she leaves the kitchen. She simply does not have the ability to notice that I an moving tword things like the sink, stove, or cutting board, She will simply stand in front of say, the cutting board, completely oblivious to the six foot three, two hundred pound, man standing next to her, holding a knife and a bundle of unchopped carrots.

:smiley:

6

[Spock]

Kill it! Kill it now!

[/S]

1st person to guess that episode and the scene wins…
A NEW CAR!*

Cray… we may be related, too (distantly, I know…). My mother is very similar. Sometimes, tho, I think she does it on purpose[sup]#[/sup]

*picture in your e-mail

[sup]#[/sup]no, not Flipper

7

Of course we all have the misfortune of dealing with people who are oblivious to a greater or lesser extent. What’s interesting is that when you confront folks like this, they typically get very defensive and just invent excuses for their conduct. I suppose it’s unsurprising – part of the problem is that they cannot perceive a problem.

8

I have the odd case of forgetfulness where I’ll flush the toulet while my wife is showering, but I don’t think I’m quite as bad as your mother.

I used to drive my grandmother on errands when I was in college. Grocery store, salon etc. The grocery store was by far the worst with her. She would stop in the middle of the aisle, or worse, in the junction of two aisles and I would urge her one step more to get out of the way. But I think that was just her getting old. Your mom seems similar but different. Good luck. Ugh.

9

Wait! I have changed my mind!!! Not about pitting Obliviousness, but about it’s source.

Mom_Crayons isn’t that bad about her sense of self in space. She was after all the captain of her highschool basketball team (all 5’ 0" of her) and you can’t be that clumsy to be good at sports.

No, she is lacking what I shall dub the Chain Link Sense!

Definition: The Chain Link Sense in an inherent sense that allows one to inuitively predict far enough along the chain of cause-and-effect so as to avoid disaster.

For example:
In college, I shared a house with three guys. One was famous for being an Oblivious Housemate. He would study all night drinking his favourite soda that came in glass bottles. He would then lob the bottles into the recycling bin from across the room.

He had no Chain Link Sense.

The cause-and-effect chain as he perceived it:

3:00 a.m. Finish drink. Toss bottle. Into recycling bin.

Cause-and-effect chain as perceived by the Non-Oblivious:

3:00 a.m. Finish drink. Toss bottle. Into bin. Lands with loud CRASH. Wakes up entire household. They come downstairs to kill Noisy Boy. (Therefore, don’t lob bottle.)

Mom_Crayons does same:

Dirty cutlery. Drop into sink.

Me:

Dirty cutlery. Drop into sink. Cracks plate underneath. (Therefore, don’t drop cutlery.)

See? The Chain Link Sense. Don’t leave home without it.

10

Argggh, sounds like my son. I was hoping he’d grow out of it.

11

I can be oblivious sometimes, but then, I have ADHD. And sometimes, when I am very focussed on something, like say, a new book or just a dilemma to be puzzled out, I tend to tune out the world.

My father and grandfather are the same way-although my dad isn’t really inconsiderate. He just gets very absorbed in something-a newspaper, television, and you have to call him several times to get his attention. I’m the same way.

12

After reading this, I realized I fit the criteria for being an Oblivious Person. Sorry in advance.

13

Devil in the Dark.

I started reading the OP and realized that the “oblivious” description sounded like me, but then I got distracted and didn’t finish.

14

Ah, but that’s “distracted” and/or “not getting someone’s attention.” Nope. I’m talking about not seeing the forest for the trees. Staring the obvious in the face and not seeing it at all.

Example:

Arrive at packed campground at 2 a.m. Wow! It’s really late everyone is really tired. Better hurry up and get tent set up. Everyone else is asleep already!

Get tent from trunk, SLAM trunk closed. Get sleeping bag from backseat, SLAM door closed. Get thermos from front seat SLAM door closed. Get flashlight from trunk…

Neighbour: “Um, Mr. Oblivious… it’s very late, people are sleeping.”

Mr. Oblivious (SLAMMING trunk): “I know.”

Neighbour: “Please don’t slam you car doors.”

Mr. Oblivious (apalled realization): “Oh, I’m so sorry…”

See? Mr. Oblivious had bad Chain Link Sense. He knew it was late. Everyone else was asleep, but didn’t follow it through far enough:

Everyone else was asleep > Quiet important

15

I always called it tunnel vision, kinda like looking at the world through a piece of 1" pvc pipe.

Working in an amusement park I saw things like this all the time. Some people are so wrapped up in their own little world that they have almost no sense of their immediate surroundings. They collide with large objects like trash cans and create major traffic flow disruption on the walkways because of their erratic or inconsiderate mindset.

The same people who stop their cart in the exact middle of an aisle at the grocery store so nobody can get by then wander 20 feet away looking for something.

Most of them seem genuinely apologetic when they bump into someone or when your third “Excuse me” penetrates the autovectoral armor that shields them from considering others around them.

Unfortunately for them the cure is the occasional ass kicking, family members need to be the one to deliver it. Pointing it out a few times when she does something really short sighted and asking her why she did that might snap her out of it. She may get all whiny and get her feelings hurt a bit, but if a stranger delivers the lesson, it will be far less gently delivered.

16

Alas! It doesn’t work because most of it is unconcious. She then gets frustrated and upset with herself.

Case in point, today we went shopping. People collided with her again and again and again and again. It was her fault each time.

We would walk side-by-side and we’re slow, people needed to pass us.

So I’d step in behind her or in front of her, to walk single file for the five seconds it would take them to pass us. Each and every time, she would suddenly cut them off by stepping in front of them, trying to get back into a side-by-side position. The fourth time it happened, a woman ended up hitting her ankles hard with a baby carriage (the woman was very apologetic, it was not on purpose).

She would see me move over to be single file and it never occured to her that there is a reason for doing so.

So I started narrating “I’m moving over to let these people pass.” She still did it. One of a group of three would go past, and then she’d cut off the second of the three - crash!

Thank, Og she doesn’t drive anymore. She never got the hang of the “shoulder check.”

To a certain point, I’m used to coping. Sniffs_Markers’s step-dad is 75 and his hearing and vision are serious failing. He destroys something with every visit - burns holes in the table cloth with his cigarette, breaks dishes, dumps an open bottle of wine onto the floor while reading the label (didn’t see the cork was out, couldn’t hear the glug glug glug of the wine emptying onto the floor.)

So we prepare for my Meandering Mom, the same way. Hide the good dishes, get ready to jump out of the shower. Be super vigilant - kinda like a having a toddler in the house, actually.

Though I can cope with the aftermath of her actions, the noise drives me batshit! I’m not kidding when I say that Sniffs_Markers has to leave her apartment because M_C’s stomping foot steps get to be too much. She is LOUD because she is not at all aware that she is doing anything loud. At her age, she won’t be changing her gait. You grit your teeth and bear with the stomping.

It does NOT make for a relaxing quiet holiday.

17

Kind of like oblivious drivers that tailgate.

Oblivious driver: Gets in car, gets on highway, goes to work, wonders why they’re getting flicked off.

Non-Oblivious driver: Gets in car, gets on highway, checks mirrors, makes a safe following distance to avoid crashes.

18

One of my sisters claims to be oblivious. I think it’s more like “non-observant.” She doesn’t notice details about others’ appearance. Things that I cannot fathom people not noticing—like a radical new haircut or something like that.

My mom has a touch of “obliviousness,” but not nearly as bad as the OP’s mom. The two things that spring to mind is when I visited my mom, left some clothes there (I visited so often it seemed like a smart thing to do). I only asked that my mom not wear the purple shoes. They are no longer available and I can’t replace them. I know that my mom has this talent for messing up anything that she wears. No matter how careful she is, she’ll get spaghetti sauce or oil or something on it.

So I repeatedly asked, to the point where it was annoying, that she not wear the purple shoes. Not at all. Not even for a second. Don’t wear the purple shoes. She promised that she wouldn’t. Usually this would be enough—I made such a stink about it, she’d be bound to remember, right?

But, on no—what happens the next time I visit? She picks me up at the airport, wearing the purple shoes! OF COURSE! And, of course, they have a food stain on them! OF COURSE! When I expressed my outrage, she looked peeved and puzzled and said, “I only wore them to church.” (And somehow, still got food on them!)

The other thing also invloves clothes. I left a favorite pair of jeans. “Don’t give away the jeans. Don’t wear the jeans. Leave the jeans alone.” Over and over again I told her this. So what does she do? As soon as I leave, she promptly gives the jeans away to the church’s storehouse of goods to be given to the poor. When I found out, I made her go to the church and get them back. She was very embarrassed and upset to have to take back something that she’d given to charity (she was one of the volunteer workers at the church), but I made her do it. I think that taught her to never give away something that wasn’t hers. She hasn’t done it (at least on that scale) since.

19

My soon-to-be-ex-husband is like that, to an extent. While he’s not completely oblivious, he’s quite unaware of the effect that his actions have on those around him. Kind of like…“it doesn’t upset me, so why should it upset anyone else?” And he doesn’t learn much of anything when he gets called on his actions, either.

I’m inclined to think there’s an organic cause. No one can be that thoughtless, without learning anything from it, without there being a real problem. IANAD, of course, but even my kids seem to understand cause-and-effect better than my husband does.

20

When I was a kid, I used to be pretty zoned out, sometimes in this way, but I like to think I’m over it now. I still have my moments, though nowhere near as bad as Eats_Crayon’s mom.