Fortunately, a woman’s urethra isn’t.
I remembered that a high school friend of mine told a hilarious story about Catholic Marriage Instruction given to senior classes. She was in a different religion class than I, so I didn’t get this version. This was an all girls school where a priest taught the marriage class. It was far too embarrasing for the nuns to discuss or even listen to; they always left the classroom. The priest mentioned is long deceased.
Upon reading this thread, I emailed my friend to tell me the story again so I could share it with dopers. Here it is with all the caps, abundance of punctuation, etc:
Hi Stray,
Okay, here goes! Not sure whether it was in our senior or junior year BUT recall clearly it was given by Fr. Robert Adams. The “jest” of the class was about “birth control” and how to best handle it, WHEN and IF it arose. (Note: use of the word arose not meant as a PUN – see, I know how your mind works).
The “rhythm system” was discussed as the only acceptable way to practice “birth control”. Not suggested, mind you, rather explaining how it was the only CORRECT method approved by “our religion”.
Then came the part of different types of “birth control” ALL of which were NOT to be used and various reasons were given. The one method, referred to a “condom usage” I’LL NEVER FORGET!
Father Adams, whilst holding a very long yellow pencil with an eraser on one end, proceeded to visually show the effect of “using a foreign object (thankfully the eraser end- which I took as a reference to a rubber) i.e. condom) being continuously inserted into the vagina”. He explained, “As with ALL FOREIGN OBJECTS which are CONTINUIALLY INSERTED – REMOVED – INSERTED – REMOVED into an area with no “natural” lubrication – could and would cause infection. This infection would lead to a discharge of pus and need to be treated by a physician.”
He referred to this form of “birth control” as being the use of “prophylactics or condoms”. Never once, do I remember his using the word “rubber”, but in seeing the use of a “rubber eraser” that what came into my mind.
When I got home I talked to my mom about what Fr. Adams had said while instructing us on “Birth Control”. I was assured by her Father Adams knew a venial sin from a mortal sin but not to take “literally” what he’s said and done with the pencil. Because as far as she knew the only connection between “penetration, pencil and pus was they all began with the letter P.
That’s it Stray! End of my recollected tale. Except to WARN YOU about those “foreign objects” and where they SHOUDN’T be PLACED.
Love, Carol xoxoxo
I was told, rather forcefully, that there are things that a girl might put in her mouth that could cause a yeast infection if put in her vagina.
Don’t know if it’s true, and it rather changed the plans for the evening.
About two years ago, I was enjoying a wonderful Mexican dinner at a restaurant. I had my back to a group of about 6 high school girls. I am guessing they were Juniors and Seniors. They were talking about a trip that some of them had gone on for spring break.
This is what I heard…
Girl 1: “You should have seen Dawn, she got buried in the sand. I mean completely
buried except for her head.”
Girl 2: “Well, I sure hope she doesn’t get crabs from that.”
I couldn’t help myself. I turned around and looked at them in shock and then I turned around and started laughing!!!
Troy McClure SF mentioned blue balls. I remember thinking at one point my poor boyfriend’s balls were going to really turn blue. :eek: He was definitely a patient boy. I asked lots of questions that with anyone else would have been extremely embarrassing! He was a wonderful teacher. Hopefully, it was worth the year wait! 
I just realized I left out something very important. It might help you to know that I was 17/18 at the time.
My son did the ‘brief version’ of sex ed in grade 5 last year. He was very excited when he told me “Mum, did you know that I’m circumsized?” Feining astonishment I replied “When did you get that done?” I suppose circumscision is so rare these days, that he figured it was how you were born, either with a foreskin or without.
What, just less than 1? :eek:
Freshman year of high school, autumn 1983, I had the most informative sex ed class of my life, as part of a religion class taught by a Jesuit priest. No, I’m serious. Anyway, we spent two class periods (no pun intended) discussing birth control. What types were available, how they worked, how effective they were with perfect use and why the “typical use” statistics were always worse. As far as I have checked since, all the information we got was accurate - none of that “the Pill as abortifacient” crud you sometimes hear.
Anyway, at the end of the second day of this lesson our teacher had made a chart of all this information on the blackboard. The very first item on it was condoms. He then asked if we had any questions, and one of the would-be Cool Guys at the back of the class raised his hand and called out, “Hey, man, you didn’t talk about RUBBERS!” :smack:
The teacher said that that question was his favorite part of teaching this unit, and he thanked our hero for making it happen once again.
As I said: 1983. The world’s changed a bit since then.
Details?
Any kind of sweet food will affect the vaginal flora and likely cause a yeast infection.
I think he was looking for the details of Bobotheoptimist’s plans for the evening.
Anyway, the humor in the booklet’s statement is that it was an inadvertent endorsement of fellatio. I’m sure it was inadvertent because it was an otherwise rather staid sex education booklet, focusing mostly on birth control, hygiene and STD prevention.
And as far as the statement “Do not put anything in your vagina that you would not put in your mouth” goes, it seems quite clear to me that it does **not **equal: “It is okay to put everything you put in your mouth into your vagina.”
Way to kill a one-liner, guys. Sheesh.
I remember having a sex ed class in high school, about senior year. Unfortunately, the textbook had been designed for several grades lower, about 7th or 8th grade. (And teachers were so scared of any fuss that they followed the textbook exactly.)
One class discussion was on the topic “should you be ‘going steady’ with someone yet”? So the teacher looked at 2 students sitting in front, and asked “so, Susan, do you think you should ‘go steady’ with Joe, here?”
Now, as it happened, Susan had become pregnant the previous year, married her boyfriend Mike, had their baby, and placed it in child care during the day, while they both were finishing high school. And Mike was in the same class, seated toward the back. (We were seated alphabetically.)
So when asked about ‘going steady’, Susan said “Gee, I don’t know. I’d have to ask my husband. (turning around) Hey Mike, is it OK if I go steady with Joe?”
That pretty much had the whole class laughing and falling out of our chairs for the rest of the class period. Lots of suggestions as to what Mike should answer. (The fact that Joe was widely perceived as gay made it even funnier.) Even the teacher started laughing, and said “hey, I just teach from the textbook they give me”. Which rather illustrates the ridiculousness of this textbook for the age group of students.
Actually, the textbook was fairly good on the mechanics of body parts and reproduction. It’s when it got into the ‘social’ part of it that it got ridiculous. It was crudely heavy-handed in trying to persuade students toward ‘proper’ behavior. And it was several years too late for most of the students.
I was quite an ignorant young person. In 7th grade I finally learned how the sperm got to the egg. We had seperate sex-ed classes as part of Phys-Ed. Sexual intercourse, in all it’s physiological, clinical detail, was described in a book we were given. Once I wrapped my brain around this, and visualized what was being done, my first thought was “that means that Mom and Dad, they…ewwww!!!”
So I was the ignorant girl who had the misfortune to raise her hand in class and ask if I had this information straight, was this how people really…? I can still call up the memory of the laughter from the other girls.
But a whole lot of books I’d been reading finally got some things cleared up that had seemed unclear before.
No thanks. Not until I remember for sure with whom this happened. My wife is an occasional Doper, you know.
Beer (or maybe champagne) was involved.
Interesting. I had a girlfriend who’d done the champagne thing before, and didn’t have a problem.
Then again, she had the Vagina of Ultimate Power, so YMMV.
Hey, it’s entirely possible that the real problem was the temperature of the stuff, but she knew I’d buy the yeast infection line.
[Aside] I knew this guy I went out with, briefly, but we still hung out occasionally. We were sitting around with some friends when the converastion, as it does, turned to circumsion. My friend stated to go on about how terrible it was, how ugly circumsized penis was, how sorry he was for guys who had it done… I just turned and stared at him. Until I saw a tiny flickering light go on, and he said “Oh wait, I’m circumsized!”.
He really wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box. [/Aside]
I don’t have any good sex ed stories though. We just got the basic boys talk about wet dreams girls talk about maxipad sort of thing. I got my education from Erica Jong (mom’s), Playboy (stepdad’s) and my mother’s college textbook on human sexualulity. Seemed to cover all the bases.
My sex education had a number of bizarre moments, but I eventually got it all figured out.
First, when my mom gave me *The Talk * - I was 10 or 11 circa 1964-65, it was mostly about periods, and apart from how-to-use-sanitary-napkins, most of what I got out of it was confused. For example, I caught the part about blood and getting pregnant, so when a neighbor girl told me her mom had blood clots, I told her that meant she was going to have a baby.
The main thing I didn’t understand was Mom’s insistence that babies were a gift from God to married couples. I was trying to figure out how unmarried teenage girls were able to fool an omnipotent and all-knowing God into thinking they were married so they got pregnant. But I didn’t ask Mom, because she was obviously very uncomfortable with the whole thing.
Next was 8th grade sex ed - this was in a Catholic school. The girls went with the nuns and women teachers, and the boys went with the priests (there were no men teachers in our school.) We had a very generic, non-specific filmstrip, followed by the opportunity to submit questions via slips of paper. Honestly, the one we wanted to know most of all, which they never answered, was: “Is Mrs. Finn pregnant?” (She was my homeroom teacher.)
All righty then, on to boot camp. I guess I should mention that I was extremely shy and didn’t date in high school or my one year of college. So when I left the safety of suburbia for the exotic life as a recruit in Orlando (I was 19) I was still pretty dumb about sex. One of the training classes we had was “Deportment” or some such thing - definitely a holdover from the 50s - taught by a petty officer with a stereotypical southern belle accent. Part of her syllabus included teaching us how to walk “without exciting men” :eek: It was in her class that I first heard the word clotoris (accent on the second syllable) which she defined as “the turn-on button.” Much hilarity ensued among the more, shall we say experienced in the company.
Still later, as I was closing in on 21, I was at a kegger for graduation from some other Navy training, and one of the instructors was semi-plotzed and coming on to me. He confided that he could lick his eyebrows. I didn’t understand his point. Yeah, I was still uneducated. But after a year or so in my first squadron hearing dirty jokes and such, I eventually figured things out.
Too bad we didn’t have the internet back then - I might have learned more sooner. In any case, I did my best to give my own daughter the facts in a straightforward, age-appropriate manner. Although she provided the one last moment I’ll share.
We were driving somewhere one evening - she was maybe 8 - and there was a program on the radio discussing virgins. I decided that was a Teaching Moment, so I asked my innocent child “Do you know what a virgin is?” When she said “I’m not sure” I explained that it was a girl who hadn’t had sex.
She thought a moment, then said “Oh, I thought that was a lesbian!” :eek:
OK, so we had 2 Teaching Moments. But I almost ruptured myself trying not to laugh…
:::Please bear with me while I set the stage:::
September, 1986
Salt Lake City, Utah, USA.
Home of the LDS Church
We have here a (somewhat typical, non-LDS) family of four at the dinner table: My eldest daughter (just turned 12) on my left, youngest daughter (10) across, wife on my right. Economy cuisine (hot dogs w/o buns, mac & cheese, broccoli) on the table.
I was working in a steel fab shop at the time, and it had been a veerryyyy long day. I was exhausted, and very distracted. My mind was, in fact, wandering around in some other part of the house.
On some level, I was aware of the normal conversation about school and homework under way between mom and the youngest.
However, on another level, I was becoming marginally aware that my eldest daughter was unusually quiet. She kept picking up the hot dog, examining it, putting it back on her plate, swirling her mac & cheese with her fork, picking up the hot dog again, examining it, lather, rinse, repeat.
I was becoming very annoyed, but was willing to let it pass for now. Did I mention that I was very tired?
I continue consuming my meal more or less on auto pilot, as my mind had extended its excursion down the street and around the corner.
The next four things happen almost, but not quite, simultaneously …
:::End of stage set :::
I shovel in a rather large portion of mac & cheese and begin to chew, while …
My daughter picks up her hot dog, examines it again …
… Looks at her mother and, without any lead in, modifiers, warnings or anything else, yet quite honestly and innocently she says:
"Mom …
[pause just long enough to be certain she has everyone’s attention]
… What’s a blow job?"
Me: 
:eek: :o glance to my right >>> Wife:
[Channeling Snagglepuss]
Push chair back. Rise. Walk calmly to back door. Open door. Exit stage right >>>>>>>>>>>>>
[/CS]
I do not know how I did it, but I’m very proud of the fact that neither the room or anyone in it was decorated with mac & cheese.
I know that it took me at least fifteen minutes to stop laughing, compose myself, and return to the table. My wife swears that I maintained a calm demeanor and straight face. For years (though I had never done such a thing before) the girls thought I just chose that moment to go out and have a smoke.
My eldest, however, has never lived that down. And never will. At least, not as long as I can still draw breath and tease her about it. I’m considering taking another swipe at her in my will.
I presume, but have never actually confirmed, that my wife (being a health care professional at the time) handled the question appropriately.
One telling fact has emerged over the years, though. Neither of my daughters (now both in their 30’s) will even consider the possibility of eating a previously favorite food:
The lowly hot dog.
Lucy