Just over a year ago, I was stopped at a red light when my car was hit from behind by a Chevy Pickup; I’m not sure of the model, but it had dual rear wheels and it hit me hard enough to do considerable damage to my car and to my lower back. Since that time, my back has become progressively more painful despite three steroid injections and lots of physical therapy.
A month ago, the decision to have spinal fusion surgery was made, at least partly because of an increasing level of pain. Even so, my doctor wouldn’t increase the dosage of my pain medication and I did what I’ve done before: I resorted to self-medicating myself with large quantities of a medication that contains codeine, to which I am addicted. Last Wednesday it caught up to me about noon time and pushed me backwards into a bathtub, where I landed smack on my tailbone before whacking my head into the far side of the tub. I do not remember the part where I staggered out of the bathroom and fell again. I do not remember the part where I was transported by ambulance to a local hospital’s ER and I do not remember the part where I passed out in the men’s room and had to be extracted from my position between the toilet and the wall. I do remember waking up at 4:00 AM without having the slightest idea of where I was or why I was there. It had to be explained to me in detail several times but I still do not remember any of it after the part where my head hit the edge of the tub. I do remember everything that happened after my 4:00 AM waking and I do remember that my codeine medication has been confiscated and I damn well want it back right now. But I won’t get it back; it’s gone.
At this very moment I am still going through codeine withdrawal; headaches, stomach cramps, dry mouth, diarrhea and other not fun things. My tailbone aches horribly even though it luckily wasn’t fractured. In fact, my entire lower back hurts a lot worse than it did before and I still have to go through the damned surgery and recovery. My stupidity and my weakness have, once again, made a bad situation turn into a terrible situation. I am unbelievably disgusted with myself for being so damned weak but what makes me feel the worst is that I made my Darling Marcie cry. If I were she, I don’t know that I would put up with me. I’m very grateful that she does.