Oh, Dear Lord, Brandine wants to Be Friends

And lo, the people were commanded not to have a sense of humor, because somebody decided it was mean.

Eve has not pretended to do anything. On the other hand, she has been more polite to this woman than she would like to. This can hardly be called mean. Instead she’s voicing her annoyance at this woman’s cluelessness on a message board and not insulting her to her face. Why is this wrong? And how is Eve be taking advantage of her? She’s trying to avoid her. This is a definition of the word I’m not familiar with. If anything, Brandine is trying to take advantage of Eve by drafting her into editing her book, using her as a character, and getting her involved in her personal problems.

I’m mildly indignant at your total lack of comprehension, yes.

I have been nothing but helpful and gracious to this pushy, loud, obnoxious woman, who has dismayed the entire neighborhood with her Reno 911-like carryings-on, rather than shutting the door in her face; then I bitch about her on an anonymous message board and you’re all bent out of shape? I’m “stealing her dignity?” You seriously need a sense of proportion, dear heart.

And a Harriet Carter catalog. I’m sure she has a cow toilet-seat cover with your name on it.

It probably beats a pelvic exam.

Tell us when Cletus camps out on the doorstep singing “On the Street Where You Live.”

Not funny.

While I tend to support those who give the OP a dressing down for snobbery, I’m also confident that one who so eloquently defends etiquette—however it is spelled—knows enough to not make Brandine feel badly about her personal style, manners, or artistic taste.

I’m sure Brandine is doing her best. My sister is an HR person. When she was working at another firm down state, she had to teach some basic descriptive statistics to the employees as part of a quality control program. Part of this, of course, included teaching basic arithematic. A woman in the plant approached her and thanked her for teaching her to add and subtract, because now she could take control of her own checking account and finally get away from the manipulative and abusive husband who had been terrorizing her.

It is not Eve’s job to save the world, her neighborhood, or Brandine. But it is nevertheless true that this poor woman may simply have no idea how to make it through life without having to go back to Cletus, in spite of his abusive ways. Or, for that matter, how to do anything other than collect welfare and sunbathe.

That said, what I’m really interested in is this: Eve, will you help me write a book? Something warm and uplifting like Joseph Herringbone Swallow by Brandine. That’d be nice.

I can’t do that, but thank your lucky stars that boy is back home. He could prove to be your salvation. If not, move.

Oh, geez. I meant to take that out. I’m sure Eve is being perfectly gracious, and setting limits on the neighbor is a task I certainly don’t envy. Sorry about that editing error.

[Sammy Kershaw]

So I made her the queen of my doublewide trailer
With the polyester curtains and the redwood deck.
Sometimes she runs, and I got to trail 'er
Dang her black heart, and her purty red neck.

[/Sammy Kershaw]

(I have a friend who collects vintage Barbie Dolls. If Cletus comes by and she starts wingin’ 'em out the window, try to snag a couple for me)

I had a neighbor like this. It got to the point where I’d just not answer my door. She was always there whining about Wade or telling me about her crazy mother. I Just. Couldn’t. Take it after a while.

On the other hand, maybe hangin’ at the flea market with her might help with her decor decisions.

“She taught me ‘ow to walk. And t’ talk. And t’ act loyke a regulah Laydee!”

Moments like this make me harken back to my husband’s “laminated-to-burnt-wood” Clint Eastwood picture.

I just realized something. I may be married to Cletus’s evil twin.

Someone kill me. Just take me out!!! Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!

Oh, knock it off. Eve is not under orders to make the world a better place or be anyone’s friend. The world’s not always sunshine and roses and kittens and there are occasionally people that may not like other people, especially when those people dominate apartment complex life with their domestic dramas.

Oh, knock it off. Eve is not under orders to make the world a better place or be anyone’s friend. The world’s not always sunshine and roses and kittens and there are occasionally people that may not like other people, especially when those people dominate apartment complex life with their domestic dramas.

Eve’s done nothing here but have a little fun at her expense, which I daresay is the least of this woman’s problems.

Besides, the stuff in that catalogue is hideous.

Who has the authority to give that order? We might want to have a word with that person.

I think you may have missed your one big chance to get Brandine out of your life… you should have called the cops. If they had patched things up, that would have annoyed her enough that she might never speak to you again.

Then again, if he had kidnapped her off the street and brought her back to her apartment to terrorize her, calling the cops could have saved her life and you would never be free of her!

Sort of a touchy situation, I guess.

I crochet - and a friend of mine does too (she taught me). There are some hideous crochet patterns out there, but the worst we think we ever saw was a crocheted toilet-seat cover - it was turquoise, with a cameo head on it. I swore I’d make her it for her birthday. Since we are still friends, you can assume I didn’t go through with it.

Susan

To give orders to Eve? Probably an editor of some kind, though they’re usually not the most philanthropic folk you’ll meet.

Anybody who wants to can give orders to Eve. Of course, the likelihood that she will actually follow those orders as opposed to, say, glaring disdainfully at the impudent would-be martinet over her pince-nez…

Mine is the Pink one. Hey! Between us, we have the whole Breakfast at Tiffany’s set!

FB

susan_foster OOOOOOOOOOH do you still have the pattern for the cameo toilet seat cover? I have a joke gift exchange with my craft night friends and that sounds just perfect. We can only spend five dollars, should be able to find enough turquoise yarn at Goodwill for that price.

Cool! Actually, they also sold two outfits for her-the coat and dress with the Cat mask and the little black dress with the big lampshade hat. I’ve seen them on eBay-I MUST have the second one!