I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months now. I know that doesn’t sound like a long time to many people, but we’ve been really happy and open with each other, and have felt like we have a really good connection.
So starting hormonal birth control was the worst decision I’ve ever made. Ever.
I went to the gyn to get (my first ever) exam, and wanted to discuss birth control with her. I didn’t want the patch or pill, and had heard good things about Nuvaring ( http://www.nuvaring.com ). She agreed and gave me a prescription. I waited till the appropriate time in your period to start it, and on Sunday, Oct. 17th, I put it in in the evening.
Okay, I knew there were a possibility of side effects. I also knew that I’d probably really have to get used to it because I’ve never been on hormonal birth control before. But I had heard people (like a friend of mine) say they had really good results with the ring.
By Wednesday I was definitely more irritable towards my boyfriend. By Friday, this increased to sadness and worrying. By Saturday, I realised that a big chunk of what I felt was depression. This actually helped my mood for a little bit, because I’ve been depressed (with times of okay-ness) since high school (I’m 22), and I sure as hell didn’t want to go back to how I felt then. By Sunday… Oh god. Sunday evening I was crying, completely freaking out, and I had my brain taunt me with, “Chris isn’t right for you and you know it! You’re going to break up with him! You’re gonna break up with him!” over and over and over. I was near hyperventilating, sick to my stomach. An internet friend actually gave me her cell phone number so she could talk to me in person to calm me down, that’s how freaked out I was.
I called the doc’s office on Monday (Oct. 25), and they advised to take the ring out, and call them 2-3 weeks later after I’ve determined whether or not it was the ring that did this. So I took the ring out between. 3.30-4pm.
Okay. Now, I’m a person who not only thinks too much, but also worries far too much. And when you have this kind of stuff in your head, worrying about it makes it about ten billion times worse. I know that. But I still worry, which makes it worse, which makes me worry, etc and so on. I’ve managed to do this when I wasn’t under hormones and was just, say, freaking out about a test, or a paper I have to write. This is far worse, though.
Overall, I am better than I was Sunday. But I was worse yesterday evening (Wed, Oct 27th) than I was on Tuesday. I was nauseous and worrying and feeling terrible (my feeling bad/worries/etc have been worse at night since I put the ring in). And I feel worse this morning than I did yesterday morning.
I know that a big part of it is probably precisely because I’m worried about it. I mean, hell, I’m only on the 3rd day of being without the Nuvaring and I had it in for 8 (and the doc’s office basically said to wait a couple of weeks, not days). It’s just that my brain is saying, “it’s not going to go away, it’s not going to change. It’s right and you know it! Hey, your friend Brad… You really like HIM, not Chris! Even though you’ve been really happy with Chris until you put that ring in, it’s obviously that this is just enabling you to see the TRUTH!” Each time I think that, I feel sick to my stomach.
The thing is, that I had none of these feelings whatsoever before starting the Nuvaring. Zero, zip, nada. In fact, Chris himself has been the major factor in helping me get out of my depression. And my feeling okay kind of phases in and out, these last couple days. And when I’ve felt okay, I can tell that my freaking out is just… weird, y’know? That it doesn’t have any real basis. But when I’m worrying, I can’t see that anymore, and saying “it’s not real” is the equivalent of, “you’ll understand when you’re older”. It’s the strangest thing to be able to experience both of those things.
I feel so sorry for Chris. He’s trying to be here for me and help in any way he can, which makes me feel worse, in a way, because I think, “he’s being so sweet and caring and you’re not getting better and still worrying about the relationship. What is wrong with you, you horrible person? Those worries must be right! See???” And it starts again.
This sucks SO bad. Each time I think something (I call them “my worries”), I feel sick to my stomach. It seems clear and obvious that if I feel that horrible about it, it’s just some worry that has no basis in reality. And all I can think is, “it’s not going to change”, and I get so scared and sick-feeling.
I don’t know what to do anymore! I know it’s only been 2.5 days, but I’m so scared!