Oh man, I'm a girlie-girl or aschrott, get IN here

With the stop smoking thing I knew I’d have to find something to occupy my time. Now, my first choice, of course, was sex. However, since I smoked 30 times a day, the hubbie wasn’t quite sure if he could satisfy my ‘urges’ every time I had one. Why he can’t fuck 30 times each day, I’ll never know.

So, the only thing left to do was buy a BowFlex. I thought I had myself some cute little muscles that could, you know, haul shit around, vacuum, ride horses, stuff like that. I thought to myself, well everyone could always be in better shape so what the hell.

Oh my FREAKIN’ GOD! It kicked my ass. Hard. I’m typing this post with pitiful shaking little arms. It is standing there, on the other side of my desk, looking at me. I think it must be female, because I can’t charm it worth shit.

aschrott, you neglected to tell me that it was going to KICK MY FUCKING ASS. You owe me big time.

Philosophers have debated this question for hundreds of years.

Unfortunately, it’s been the same philosophers, and with age comes . . . well, lack of interest for men. And since they’re all guys . . . well, need I go further?

::looks back at post:: Damnit, when I conceived of it it was funny. I guess something is lost in the translation.

What you need, jazzmine, is some young, well-oiled men to fuck you every time you crave a cigarette. Of course, this will lead to you becoming a nymphomaniac, but just think . . . you’ll be educating several men on how to properly lay! What could be more satisfying?

Well, in the interest of mankind, what else can I do but selflessly fuck a lot of men every day?

As aschrott steps off of his bowflex, the badly beaten machine whimpers pathetically before retreating into its little corner, where it will wait, fearfully, for its next flogging. It is his bitch.

So…jazzmine…what do I owe you? :wink:
Seriously. How much weight did you put on the thing? I found that when I started out on mine I tended to put WAY too much resistance on. I finally learned to follow the “less is more” doctrine and use a little self control. Start small, with just enough resistance, so that you can work your way up and not have your ass “kicked” so. Me suspects that you tried too much too soon…hmmm?

All issues of ass kicking aside, what do you think of it?

p.s. I’m still blushing from the surprise of seeing my name in a thread title – I’m usually an “under the radar” kind of poster.:slight_smile:












Ah, the hell with these mental gymnastics.

I believe the proper phrase is “give of yourself [to the available male population of the SDMB]”.

Where do I sign up for some jazzmine loving?

And will there be a whip involved? I don’t do well with whips.

Handcuffs, OTOH . . .

Oh. my. shiver

What were we discussing? Oh yeah, the bowflex.

So, tell me, if I put 30 on each side, am I doing 30 or 60?

You tell me what you’ll give.

Sofa King, let’s skip the bowflex and just do the rest of your list ;).

Right here, baby.

Like I can wield a whip? Did I happen to mention…the bowflex fucking kicked my ass!

Depends…will they be on me or you?

You’re doing 30 with each arm. If you are doing a bench press exercise, it would be the equivalent of a 60lb barbell. If you are doing arm curls, or something else similar, it would be like having a 30lb barbell in each hand – that’s a LOT, especially for someone just starting.

I would recommend starting with just 5 or 10 pounds on each side, so that you can do the exercises with good form and without exerting yourself too much. Then go from there. You’d be amazed – even with conservative resistance, if you do the exercises right and target the muscles you’ll feel it the next day. If you pile on the resistance and struggle through the exercises, you’ll tire yourself out, maybe pull something, and you’ll get frustrated. Plus you don’t get such good results that way.

As to the other issues at hand…WOW. I need a drink of water. Thoughts of…jazzmine…overpowering…

Time to work off some frustrations on the bowflex. “Heeeere bowflex bowflex…hey! come back here!”

::signs up under five different names::

[sub]I wonder if she’ll notice three different spelling of iampunha and two of Patrick[/sub]

I was going to try to be kinky and say both, but that would be kinda difficult . . .

So they’ll be on you first and then at some point you’ll take over and they’ll magically be on me.

::goes off to find a piece of polished, smooth hard wood about 7 feet by 7 feet and a foot thick::

whimpering and typing with her teeth. I can’t move my arms today.

I think you might find it much more satisfying to …ahem… bend me to your will than to have me put the cuffs on you.

You’ll have to hurry though, there are these other guys that keep contacting me - imapunah, amipunha, Patrikc, and Patrik.