Oil Change

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This was posted at another friend of mine. I hope you like it:
Oil change instructions for WOMEN !!!

  1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. 15 minutes later, write a checkand leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
    Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee
    TOTAL=$21.00

Oil change instructions for MEN:

  1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
  2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
  6. in frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
  12. Clean up mess.
  13. Have another beer while watching ol drain.
  14. Look for oil filter wrench.
  15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
  16. Beer
  17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
  1. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
  2. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18
  3. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
  4. Walk to 7-11; buy beer
  5. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
  6. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  7. Remember drain plug from step 11
  8. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  9. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole on the back yard, along with drain plug.
  10. Drink beer
  11. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
  12. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
  13. Drink beer
  14. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
  15. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
  16. Begin cussing fit.
  17. Throw wrench.
  18. Beer
  19. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop bloodflow.
  20. Beer
  21. Beer
  22. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
  23. Beer
  24. Lower car from jack stands.
  25. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
  26. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
  27. Beer
  28. Test drive car
  29. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
  30. Car gets impounded
  31. Make bail; Get car from impound yard.
  32. Money spent: $50.00 parts - $25.00 Beer - $75.00 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!!! - $1,000.00 Bail - $200.00 impound and towing fee
  33. TOTAL=$1,350.00

:smiley:

2

Do’h! The first sentence should read This was posted at another forum by a friend of mine.
My first thread and I make a mistake. Darn.

3

:smiley: :smiley:

Hilarious! I’m going to copy this for a couple of friends of mine.

4

Lady friends new 2001 Monte Carlo, 5,466 miles. Needs an oil change. I am a trained mechanic. Jack up car, place on jack stands, move jack, drain oil, change filter, jack up car, remove jack stands, lower car. So far so good. Start adding oil, Lady friend comes from house to watch. Removes brake master cylinder cap, drops it.
Have you seen the inside of this engine bay? Crowded isn’t even a start. Looked and looked. Get the jack out and jack it up again.
Almost. Car slips off jack. The total bill was over 1500 dollars US.
Both cooling fans, A/C condenser, radiator and support. The car ended up at the body shop to have the support re-welded.
Oh well. Life goes on.

5

I didn’t see him bury the oil drained between steps 11 and 24.

6

This is too funny.

Girls, I’m on your side, I can’t change my oil or de-frag my hard-drive, and you’re crazy or stupid if you let someone make you feel stupid for that lack of knowledge.