Thank you to all who have posted such helpful responses! I do feel quite a bit better.
As for Dallas_Jones, the reason I posted in the Pit was in case anyone could read all that and still bounce back with “BFD, I had it so much worse, a lot of people have it worse, and you sound like you were a real handful. Get over yourself,” I would be free to tell them, “You are cordially invited to eat a dick.”
Still not sure what D_J’s purpose was, though. Maybe he was trying to lighten the mood.
Also, Beck, I’m not offended by your question, because I’ve had a similar response to someone else’s story. “Wha…I believe you, but…they did THAT? With no consequences?” Not a criticism, just wondering, what is wrong with people?!
I am hoping I can ask this in an acceptable manner and obviously no one is obligated to share anything. There is also clear no best answer for all … maybe just individual least bad ones?
Some adults who were victims of various levels of abuse stay in relationships with their parents as adults and some cut off contact.
The above responses give examples of each.
Stranger I think has already answered that the choice was a good one for them. My impression is that most who cut off contact feel that way. Any exceptions to that here? Any regrets that there was no reconciliation? Anyone of the group that had relationships with their parents as they aged think, looking back, that it was the better option for them and/or for their children? (In my own extended family I know of people who were psychologically abusive parents but who have been shockingly loving and supportive grandparents. Even as they refuse to recognize the scars they inflicted as parents.)
None of my business if no one wants to share and full recognition that it is a sensitive question to ask.
Yup–and just because we can tolerate assholes in the Pit doesn’t mean we have to tolerate assholes in the Pit. Does Dallas contribute anything positive to these boards, or should they get the boot?
@Rilchiam, what a fuckin mess of a situation. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
Re @DSeid’s question: my brother, who got belted mostly for disruptive behavior, has gone mutual no-contact. Me, hit mostly for lipping-off, get the occasional call to run minor errands when all other resources are unavailable. So he’s persona non grata while I’m potatoes au gratin.
In my case, my dad takes some kind of medication that helps keep him from the irrational behavior he used to have. He acknowledges that he was monster of a dad. He later helped me get started on the career path that I’m on. He is a different person than he was when I grew up. He has even been a coworker and/or boss at a few different jobs I had over the years. I have forgiven him for what he did to me but that doesn’t mean the scars go away.
My dad doesn’t get along well with kids, like he doesn’t know what to do around them. And he doesn’t have much interest in them, including my kids. My youngest daughter forgets he’s her grandpa even, she used to get confused and call him “uncle” until we corrected her. I think she has only seen him a few times in her life. And I can’t think of the last time my older daughter saw him; she couldn’t have been older than a toddler and she just turned 18.
But now that I’m an adult my dad thinks I’m great and heaps praise on me when he talks to me, overly so I think out of guilt and also because he can finally relate to me.
My mom was a victim of my dad’s abuse, at least she has said so though I never witnessed it. And she won’t get into details of what he did to her and I don’t press because I don’t really want to know. She has depression and doesn’t take good care of herself and I’ve been trying to help her as best as I can though she is stubborn. My mom wasn’t physically abusive like my dad, it was more like she was in denial of things he did and still is to an extent, and let him do whatever he wanted. She was also just as abusive verbally as he was.
It’s complicated but I think pretty much every family is.
It’s not just that your parents were wrong. They were abusive. It must have left long-lasting scars. Have you ever gone to a counselor to help you deal with your traumatic childhood?
As far as long-lasting scars, I think the worst harm was done to my social development. I spent most of two years with my social skills atrophying, and depending on how you look at it, either I didn’t catch up until college, or I still haven’t. (Actually, that was another not-great moment, when I was 18 and a therapist said, “Okay, you’ve had a retarded development.” Thanks, doc; good to know it’s all my fault that I’m broken.)
Atamasama, yeah, sometimes it’s enough to be able to settle.
The worst of that combination is that there’s just no safe space anywhere besides alone. I spent a lot of time during my childhood holed up in my basement room or out in the woods behind the house.
I’m so very sorry. I had some serious verbal abuse issues growing up; it sucks. My issues were not as serious as yours, and I’m glad you seem to be moving forward with your life.
I feel so bad for the little girl who had to endure this, but I admire the woman who survived, and thrived.
I hope you’ve been able to find people in your life whom you can trust, who treat you with kindness, so you can relax and be yourself without having to be on guard all the time.
RTF: And I bet that was seen as you being “moody” or “angsty”, right? Or “sulking”.
Jeff_Lichtman: I have, thank you. And I’m very attuned to children/YAs who might be in need of help. Haven’t met anyone in a situation as bad as mine, but I think I’ve been a positive influence a few times.
Actually, no: AFAICT, I just kinda disappeared from their radar when I was down in my room.
Unless of course they noticed something I’d been supposed to do that I either hadn’t done properly, or hadn’t done at all. In which case Mom would come to the top of the stairway down to my bedroom, holler at me to come out. I’d come out onto the landing at the bottom of the stairs, and she’d harangue me endlessly about that and whatever else she felt like getting mad at me about that day.
But otherwise I’d retreat into my books and toys and not think about them or about the kids at school any more than I had to.
Sorry you had to go thru that sort of abuse as a child and that must have been hard to write but at the same time hopefully it’s cathartic.
@beck, I think you got a bit of mild pushback because the events were in the past and any advice on how to handle the situation is at best irrelevant and even folks in a similar situation are highly unlikely to be lurking here in the pit.
I do understand the desire to do or say something positive that could help in these situations because reading about them is upsetting. I think sympathy for the poster and not turning a blind eye to a child in the present that may need help is the best one can do.
Yeah, one of the other times (in my mid-twenties) I tried sharing this, I only got as far as, “My dad refused to fix the water heater,” and they cut right in with, “So what was stopping you from fixing it yourself?”
“Uh…mainly the fact that my dad promised to beat the shit out of my mom if she tried. I didn’t have to ask what he would do to me.” And all the other stuff from the OP. So I think they were convinced, but that first reaction really stung. Like I was bougie or something. I did say “refused to”, not “couldn’t afford to”.
That and the fact that you were 12 or 13 years old. A kid that age can’t be expected to have the knowledge or resources to fix a water heater.
This kind of thing drives me nuts. You were a child. Your parents were the adults, though they didn’t act like it. It’s wasn’t your responsibility to act like an adult because your parents weren’t up to the job.
I want to commend you for sharing this with us. Few people understand the real weight of a dark back story. It is a great risk to share any small piece of it. With anyone. On a nameless internet board? You are very brave indeed.
I know I can do all i can; pursue healing, move forward, get past, build a better future, rise to a better place…but still, that dark back story is still mine. It will always be there.
Knowing if I share this with you, I’ve given you a great burden to carry. It almost destroyed me, and you want I should display this so you MIGHT understand? How easily could you share something you know can’t be unheard? Ugh.
If physical injury was involved that’s now part of your medical history that’s going to come up every time you come in contact with medicine. Every. Time. Every intake clerk has, ‘a few more questions…’ , when I was younger it was so hurtful/damaging. As I matured I learned to just silently stare, in response.
This particular facet of surviving childhood trauma is little addressed. Very rarely spoken about. Thank you for doing so. So openly and honestly.
Every word you wrote landed for me, thanks so much for sharing.