Help me break free from the bondage of my past.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m stuck.

Like many people, I was abused through out my childhood. From the time i was an infant untill I moved out of my parents house at age 18 I was abused physically, mentally, and sexually. I’m plagued by memories of my life. Some of the things that happened to me just play themselves over and over in my head and i’m unable to move on. I’m going to write what some of those things are. Some of them are graffic, so if you think it will upset you, please dont read it.

First the sexual abuse. I’m haunted by the memory of my dad ejaculating on me. He would rub himself on me hard enough to make him have an orgasm, which would go all over me. Then he’d get a tea towell and rub if off of me. He would wait till my mom was out then call me into their bed and do what he wanted basically. There are many other time when he would abuse me, in the tub, playing tickling ‘games’ and things like that but the whole having my dad cum on me is just something that i dont know how to get over.

Physically it was a nightmare. At least with the sexual abuse i wasnt being physically hurt. His favourite thing to do was grab me by my neck and squeeze untill i thought i was going to pass out. One way he’d punish me when i was small enough (2-5ish)
was to hold me up by my wrists with one hand then strap me with the other. i can remember trying to run but my feet wouldnt touch the ground. He hit my brother so hard with a wooden spoon that it broke, he poured boiling water on my brothers hands too. There were times when i did deserve to be punished but the punishement never fit the crime. like being hit in the face so hard that i fell backwards over a chair because i stole $5 and some icecream from my grandparents.

Being hit and molested were almost daily occurances, but really to me, the worst was the mental abuse. Even my mom did that.

Its like my mom liked to say cruel things to me for some reason. One time she told me that she didnt like to hug me and that she just did it for me. She said that there were times when she just didnt like me and couldnt stand to be around me. She said those things when i was about 15ish. I think the most hurtfull thing she said was she asked me who my best friend was. I knew she wanted me to say her. i’d learned to just say what they wanted me to say. anyway i said she was my best friend. Then she smiled and said “isnt that funny, that i can be your best friend, but you arent mine”.

My dad would go into these rages and often my room was the target of those rages. One time after he’d destroyed my room. All pictured ripped off the walls, all clothes taken out of the closet and drawers and thrown on the floor, all ornaments thrown on the floor, bed destroyed and mattress on top of all my stuff, he went and got the kitchen garbage and dumped it onto all my stuff. we had just had a sunday chicken dinner so there were guts and stuff. I was told i wasnt allowed to clean my room then my mom and dad went out. It was late and i was tired so i tried to find a spot in my room that didnt have garbage and curled up and went to sleep.

One time i was crying because i was sick and my dad wanted to show me something. my mom said ‘leave her alone, she’s sick’ my dad looked at me and said “every problem in this house is because of that little bitch” then he turned to me, gave me the finger and said ‘well up yours little girl’. I have serious problems with guilt because of that one. I guess i learned that everything really was my fault.

Anyway theres too many things like that to write down.

I’m just wondering if any of you have gone through childhood abuse and gone on to live and not have it haunt you? Or just maybe any of you have any advice? I just want to live my life and be happy. I find i’m pretty much depressed most of the time. I’m terrified to try anything because i’m afraid i’ll fail and i’m also afraid i’ll succeed. Basically i’m just stuck and i dont know how to get unstuck. All advice or thoughts appreciated.

Thank you.

2

[delurking]
This is neither mundane nor pointless, but I think you need to share it. Please seek professional counselling.

You are a victim and should not feel guilty about this stuff.

[/delurking]

3

Wow, I’m really sorry you had to go through all that as a child. :frowning: FWIW, none if it was your fault - that’s probably the first thing you need to work on is to stop blaming yourself for your parents being f’d up. THEY are the ones who were the problem; no child deserves to be treated the way you were treated.

The number one thing that will help you is to find a good counsellor - someone you trust and who can help you work through these issues. The way you are feeling is normal for what you have gone through, but it isn’t the kind of stuff that will go away by itself; it needs to be brought out and talked about with a professional who can help you work through it. Working through it will help you feel better, help release the anger and depression, and help you feel more self-confident about new things.

You’ve already done a great, and very courageous thing, by acknowledging the problems that exist - that’s the first step towards healing.

4

Your history sounds awful, jackalope - in looking for good things to focus on - the abuse is no longer happening from the sound of it, and you are looking for ways to heal. Good for you.

There are a LOT of Dopers who have suffered abuse - I remember reading a post by tanookie who was sexually abused by her father. Seek them out and and I am sure they will post to this thread, too.

It seems like some form of counseling or therapy would be a good way to work through this. I strongly recommend you look for one-on-one counseling. I am sure there are message boards and groups focused on this, too, for more group-oriented work. Both types seem worthy of pursuing…

I wish you strength and luck.

5

Abuse is something that you just don’t get over fast. I wish you could. Seek out a good therapist or counselling center as soon as you can. Depression can be controlled, possibly with therapy and medication. Please don’t think you’re alone in this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

6

Yes, this is not your fault. Get some therapy.

7

Yes, please do seek professional help. It’s possible to learn to put all kinds of things behind us, but it does take time and a really strong support system. A good counselor can provide the latter. You’ve taken the big first step, however, of realizing that it’s your past now and you have to move forward from it.

8

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciated them. A few months ago i was diagnosed with panic attacks and i am on a waiting list to see a therapist of some sort. I hope i dont have to wait too much longer.

9

since you’ve already taken the gigantic step of telling us about this, i’d say you’ve reached a point where you’re mentally ready to start dealing with your past and its effects on you in greater depth.

it’s nice that you’re on a list for a therapist, but i would suggest that you look for something to help you right now, rather than wait to work to the top of the list (and risk losing some of the momentum you’ve gotten going here).

i’d suggest checking with church groups or crisis centers in your area. they may be able to recommend a local support group that you could join, or have contacts with counsellors and/or therapists who could start working with you much sooner. a rape crisis center, while not exactly applicable, would certainly understand the kind of support you need.

good luck. there’s nothing like a screwed-up parent to really mess up a kid’s mind and pysche. it will take a good bit of time --remember, it wasn’t just a day or two that they were playing mind games. so allow yourself as much time as you need to unravel the mess they made. and try not to beat up on yourself.

once again, everybody with me now …
NONE OF IT WAS YOUR FAULT!

10

yeah, it isn’t your fault, but don’t be anyone’s ,motherfucking victim…That is weak and pushes one to feel helpless. You aren’t a victim if you take control and I know you can…

Is he still alive? If so you need to take it to him. You have every right to,as they say in the ghetto , split his wig. Be his victim no longer.

11

I know that this is hard. but you have to start feeling comfortable with yourself, and pursuing your interests, making your decisions, pampering yourself, taking pride in your accomplishments, and believing you deserve better. Learn to take your family out of your decision making process.

I know that empty feeling, because you spend every waking moment on self-preservation. It is okay to spend time on stupid or meaningless stuff, just because you feel like it.

Good luck to you. It is not your fault.

12

Like others have said, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. But having said that, I understand how really difficult it is to truly believe and accept.

You need to start by being totally honest with yourself. Honest about how you are feeling. Honest about your anger. You sound like me, I was more angry at my mom than the person who abused me. She should have protected me, but didn’t (I had misplaced anger). Until I was able to admit that and be honest to myself about that I couldn’t start to heal.

Do you still have contact with your parents. If so you might want to stop seeing them. It is ok not to be in the company of people who don’t treat you right, and you don’t need to feel guilty about it.

If you would like to talk, go ahead and email me. It is in my profile. I can tell by your post that you are a great person who is smart who had a childhood that no one deserves.

13

Jackalope, your post just about made me want to cry. Like everyone has said, please seek professional help. See what you can do to get pushed to the top of that waiting list. I was also sexually abused as a child, although by a neighbor, not my father, and not to the extent that you were. However, I do understand the guilt, and I understand the panic attacks. Please feel free to email me if you need to talk - my email address is in my profile. As trite as it sounds, you’re not alone.

Ava

14

Jackalope… your story is very very similar to mine… We grew up in nearly identical households. My heart goes out to you. I always thought I suffered alone and have been horrified to discover that my situation is not that rare. I was 23 before I escaped.

I distinctly remember when I discovered that not all daddies did the things mine did! I used to harbor a lot of guilt because I hated all the things he did but since he was my father and couldn’t possibly be doing anything to hurt me I must have been the bad one. Finally realizing he was the bad one was a watershed moment for me.

I’ve never done counseling but I have some great friends and a wonderful husband who have served that role for me. I also highly reccommend you try it! I think it is great that you are able to share your story. I feel that sharing takes a lot of the power away from the abuser. It is their dirty secret not mine… I harbored the guilt and shame long enough!

Everything is not your fault. And I know how hard it is to make yourself believe that! Your parents taught you exactly what a loving and caring and stable home life is not. But you can overcome this.

Does my past haunt me? Sometimes. The abuse is a large part of my life and does affect me in many ways. I often wonder what it must be like to see the world without knowing how cruel people can be. I did decide though that to let it govern my life would mean to let him keep abusing me even when he was not around. I am no longer his victim. My biggest problem now is nightmares and they are far less frequent than they were when I first left home.

Please feel free to email me (email’s in the profile) to share or vent or ask questions or whatever… And I wish you goodwill in finding the peace you crave!

Oh … Wordman … I’m speechless that you remembered my story and put it together with my name! And to think sometimes I wonder if anyone ever reads what I post :wink: Thank you!

15

Thank you, so much, for your replies. I am still in contact with my parents. In fact i’m expected to go and visit every summer. This year, for the first time i’m not going to go. I told them that my husband doesnt want me to go because he misses me and so i’m going to stay home this year because of him. That was an incredibly huge thing for me to do. I dont even cared that i lied about why i’m not going, i just hate feeling obligated to go every year.

The thing that bugs me is my brother hasnt spoken to my dad in about 7 years. He wont go there to visit so my mom goes to visit him. I dont get why she’ll go to visit him but i’m guilted into going to visit them every year. And she doesnt seem to even like me when i’m there. I mean if she wants to see me why not come to visit me?

You may be right, deb2world, about me having missplaced anger at my mom. because it seems weird that i would be so much more angry with her saying cruel things, than at my dad for all the things he did.

One thing is my religious beliefs are such that i feel i have to forgive whats been done to me. more for me than for them. i dont want to feel hate towards them. I guess what i really want is for them to ‘get it’. to really understand what they did to me, apologise and then have a normal relationship with them.

I just want some peace. I want to rest my mind. I’m so tired of the struggle.

I will take all of your advice and seek more immediate help. I do know there is a place in town where you can get help.

tanookie, i so wonder what its like to live without this. you know, i could read when i was three. i was one of these kids who just knows how. my kindergarten teacher would get me to read to the class while she did paper work at her desk. but as the years went by school was the least of my concerns. just trying to survive was all i could do. i often wonder what i would have been if i’d been raised in a loving home. i ended up failing grade 7 (thats when things were the worst) and didnt even fully graduate from high school. sometimes i think of going back to school. the thought is terrifying.

anyway thank you all very much. your words of compasion mean more than i can say. (((((((all of you)))))))

16

It sounds like your life so far has been pretty tough. I want you to know that life doesn’t has to be - it can be quite grand. I want you to know it was never your fault. I want you to know that you CAN get past this, and maybe by yourself. But I think you would be better served by finding help.

I wish there were words to make your pain less, but there are none. But I assure you it can get better. Seek help.

I wish you luck.

17

Jackalope I don’t know if you’re a religious person or not but if you are, you might appreciate some stuff that Joyce Meyer (a preacher) has put out. (http://www.jmministries.org) She was abused by her father, too, so she has preached lots of stuff about abuse.

Then, even if you’re not, you could always give it a listen and take what you like and leave the rest. Whatever works, right?

18

I’m sorry, I screwed up the website. It’s www.JoyceMeyer.org

19

You can let the hate and the anger go but you may have to come to realize as I did that they will never “get it.”

My father is no longer in my life and I tell people when appropriate what he did to me. (I don’t just greet random strangers with ‘hi, my name is tanookie and my father raped me!’)

I have a very strained relationship with my mother (my parents are now divorced) because she doesn’t “get” that what happened to me is not all about HER. I’ve tried really hard to understand her point of view and to see that my father was emotionally abusive to her also but she insists on being the martyr/victim still. I have no respect for her. She’s always been more of the child in our relationship. I limit my contact with her as I’m not ready to cut her from my life and burn that bridge yet.

I too have a brother (and 2 half brothers) who were treated markedly differently from how I was raised. There was an attitude in my house that I was “just the girl” and “property” where my brother was the “heir” and all that chauvenistic crap. That and my father wasn’t interested in sex with his sons.

This is probably going to sound harsh since messageboards suck at conveying certain things… but guilt only works when you let it. Don’t beat yourself up for not wanting to see them. You have to protect yourself now. Don’t feel guilty for making your home with your husband a safe place and for refusing to return to a place that causes you pain and anguish! As much as it sucks to realize your parents aren’t a healthy part of your life… they aren’t! They also do not have your best interests at heart. You need to make yourself your first priority!

One thing that sexual abuse does is it gives the victim issues with setting boundaries with the people around them. This is why so many sexually abused people become promiscuous. They don’t realize their body is theirs and that they can say no! They also often feel that unless there is sex that no one will value/love them.

In emotional abuse the boundary issues tend to manifest themselves with not being able to separate themselves from people who are emotionally unhealthy. You feel guilt because you can’t separate and place that boundary up and say “you are not healthy for me to be around”

This is a hard one to overcome and therapy may help here a lot! Stand firm on only doing what is good and healthy for yourself. Surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. Do not feel guilty for setting up boundaries. Don’t be afraid of putting them in the wrong place either… they can be renegotiated :slight_smile:

I hope some of that makes sense for you.

20

Oh, jackalope, I wish I had something helpful to say, but I don’t. I can just agree with everyone else in that it was not your fault and urge you to seek professional help. I know they’re your parents, but they sound like horrible, horrible people.