How'd you overcome childhood abuse?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not looking for information for myself…fortunately my childhood was good. The family vibe thread made me start thinking about my cousin’s situation. Some background: he’s 22, so no insurance for for counseling (and he probably wouldn’t go anyway), and for some reason his father (my uncle) never really liked him, and there was quite a bit of physical and emotional abuse. Oddly enough*, he has older siblings who the father liked just fine. His mom apparently didn’t do too much to stop the problems, but eventually other family members stepped in.

My cousin doesn’t have much of a relationship with his father, and says he doesn’t want one. I think he does, on some level though (he lights up when people tell him his dad asked about him). He spends a good amount of time drinking too, which is probably part self medication, and partly being twenty-two. Of course, every situation is different, so nothing in this thread my be relavent to my cousin’s case. Plus, he doesn’t even bring things up most of the time, so I’m not going to try and push any advice or information on him.

Anyway, I know there’s a lot of you out there, unfortunately. How’d you come to terms with growin up in an abusive home? Did things get any better as time has gone by? Is there anything people around could have done to help once you were an adult?

2

I know there are people who come from abusive backgrounds who have grown up sane and happy without any assistance from psychotherapists. I am not one of those people.

If not for the kindness and insight of a psychiatrist named Dr. Paul Benton, I am quite certain I would no longer be among the living. Over the years, I’ve had several unhelpful, worthless psychotherapy experiences, and one toxic “therapy” that made me worse. But Dr. Benton pulled me out of the fire, and for that I shall be eternally grateful.

3

It’s really difficult to slough off the hellish shell of lies an abusive father paints on you from birth. We are hardwired to see Dad as the smartest guy in the world. If he says you’re a failure, and you’ll never be anything else, it must surely be true. Later on, when you figure out Dad’s a sick, poisonous man who lied to you about yourself, that awful shell won’t come off.

4

I just put the sonofabitch and his harpy wife out of my life. 100x better than any therapy or medication. Mileage can and certainly will vary I’m sure - some people can never really do away with the “but they’re family” thing. Naturally it’s the betrayal of trust that should be inherent in the family structure that’s damaging, so most people want to repair that. I realized the futility of investing my emotions in it and just put an end to it all - I don’t think many people can do that.

My husband helped immensely as well by giving me a sense of security and confidence I never would have achieved otherwise.

5

I just never spoke to my father again, and never put myself in a position where he could hurt me again. He’s dead now, and I don’t have to worry about him anymore.

How did I deal with it? Taking drugs seemed to make it less painful, so I went through a period of escaping from it that way. Eventually, you just deal with it. All that stuff really happened, you didn’t imagine it. Nobody knows why your dad wanted to hurt you, but he did in fact want to hurt you. We can’t ask him why now. There’s nothing you can do about it, except realize that it can’t happen again. There’s no point in being mad about it anymore, because no one gets anything from it, especially you. You have to let it go. That’s what my inner voice tells me.

It was a long time before I got some self-esteem, but I’m doing all right now. Somebody wanted to marry me, and she wants to stay that way. I guess I was sufficiently healed to be worthy. It had to stop somewhere, right? I couldn’t go on being broken. I find humor in everything. I love the absurd. I have no shortage of laughs. That helped, too. What am I trying to say? You just keep going. Because you have to.

6

Therapy, luckily for me during the turbulent teen years when it was probably the best time.

7

I don’t think a person EVER recovers from childhood abuse. I don’t care how much therapy you take. I don’t care how ‘strong’ you think you are, either.
It’s just not something that ever goes away.
Your memories are forever, you know.

I don’t even try to understand why it happened. I just know that he was a no-good drunk, and he throughly enjoyed doing those things, so, that’s the way it was.
He was like this when he was sober, too…just not as evil.
He just wasn’t sober too often.

Even though step-dad is dead, thankfully, I still have much hatred toward him and his memory.
The fact that he had a severe stroke, lots and LOTS of pain, they say…and he laid in his own piss and shit, on the floor of his bedroom for 3 days before one of my brothers found him, should be enough ‘pain’ for him to have endured.
No. It’s not.
I STILL wish with all my heart that he had suffered SO much more! He sadly died a couple of days after he was found…too soon, in my opinion. I’m not ‘sad’ that he died…I’m just sad that I feel he should have lived on in helpless agony for the next 18 years. Get a taste of his own medicine. See how he likes it!
I don’t care if you consider me cold-hearted, uncaring, evil, or even vengeful. YOU did not live through MY abuses. YOU have no idea what it was like.
I do.
Others that have been abused can possibly relate to my feelings…or lack thereof. I shouldn’t have to try to rationalize my feelings to anyone. I know what I went through. That’s all that matters.

I’ve said before, in various threads, that the only regret I have, is that he was cremated and his ashes scattered.
Because of that, I could not piss on his grave.
No fun for me! You have NO IDEA how excited I was when he died, knowing the prospect of FINALLY being able to piss on the bastard’s grave was almost at hand…NO idea.
Then, my little happyass world came crashing down upon me when his ashes were scattered!
No grave!
I was destroyed, as there would be nothing to piss upon.
Meh. I got over it, I suppose.
Still, I wish I’d have had an opportunity to do that! :smiley:
*After re-reading that, I see that I probably COULD use some ‘therapy’ of some sort. But, I won’t bother. At 45 years of age, I’m too old to mess with trivial things like that now. * :dubious:

I just knew that I would NEVER let the things that happened to me, happen to any child of mine.
And they didn’t.
I broke the cycle.
As for my brothers and sisters, they all turned out well, and did not repeat the same mistakes with their children, either. The cycle is now broken in our family.
Out of 7 kids, we ended up with a combined total of 12 kids of our own.
NONE of them were ever hit or screamed at. We did very well.
Pretty good odds, if you ask me!

I cannot bear to see a child being hit, either by an adult or another child.
I cannot bear to see someone berate a child.
I cannot bear to see/hear a child being screamed at.
It throws me into a near rage!
I can get myself into some serious pickles by stepping in during these times.
I don’t give a damn who you are. Or who you think you are.
Just try to stop me!
A child means more to the parents than they will EVER know. How is it that they do not know this? How can they not FEEL this? I just cannot understand it!
How they can hit them, scream at them, and berate them…My Og. That sort of thing is just WAY beyond my realm of thinking!

Again, there is no ‘cure’ for being an abused child. Those that can ‘get over it’, more power to you! You make me proud!
For some of us, we simply cannot forgive as easily as other people can.
I have tried. I cannot forgive my abuser.
I guess I’m just not wired that way.

8

The most important thing is to understand that if your cousin says he doesn’t want a relationship with his father, then you should respect that. No matter what you think he wants, it is his life/decision. If I had a penny for every time someone assumed that I was lying about having no interest in ever seeing my mother or speaking to her again (“but she’s your mother!”) I would be an exceedingly wealthy woman.

Your mileage obviously varies from his as regards family life. Do not decide for him that he wants/needs the same things you want and need. Just because you perceive his “eyes lighting up” when someone tells him his father asked about him doesn’t mean that he wants a relationship with the man – my first thought was “yeh, he is probably thinking ‘let the bastard ask, because I walked away!’” It is really difficult for someone who had a good childhood to understand this, but the simple matter is that it is ok to walk away from family.

If the cousin asks for help or if you are capable of subtle suggestion – many places offer sliding scale fees for medical, dental and yes, even psychiatric help. You might do the legwork and find out the names of a few and pass those on to him.

Most of all, I think whil your compassion is very nice, it’s really none of your business if he chooses to walk away from that family member. It is in his best interest mentally to do so, usually.

As for the drinking – if you are actually concerned about that, then talk to him. If you think it is directly related to his upbringing, definitely talk to him and tell him your concerns.

Sometimes it is really hard to let other people live their life – especially when it is outside your scope of understanding, but trust me on this one, the best thing you can do is accept him as he is and be his friend. Do not bring up the past if he is trying to walk away from it.

As for your actual question – I walked away. I spent far too many years wondering why me – why did my mother hate me so much. Why did she want me to die so badly. Why was I never good enough for her. Straight A’s, President of our NFL team, President of our Drama Club, Published Poet, Math Award Winner, Science Award Winner, Award Winning Essayist – I was never good enough for her. My sister? Straight D’s – perfect. My brothers? Druggies – perfect. Me? Worthless.

It took me a long time to realise that the fault was not in me, but in her. It came as an epiphany to me that the only person over whom I have any control of their actions and reactions is myself. When I realised that, I realised that I didn’t need her love or her approval, because I could not force it to come. I walked away and haven’t looked back.

Do I sometimes regret that I don’t have a relationship with my mother? No. I regret that I never had a mother. What I had was a woman who loathed me and made it known to me that she loathed me at every chance. I feel a bit of sadness sometimes that I will never know what it’s like to have a loving, nurturing mother – but I cannot change the past. All I can do is make sure that I never allow that woman into my childrens’ lives to hurt them. Forgiveness is moot – I just don’t care. Make sense?

9

No therapy here, and no drugs…just hard work and a wonderful understanding guy. This is not to say everyone could do it if they just tried. I think that’s a crock.

I was blessed with such a personality that I was able to do it - cheerful, happy-go-lucky, and not prone to depression. If I had been I never would been able to.

I agree though that it never goes away. It was emotional abuse for me, designed to whittle my self-esteem down to nothing, and they nearly succeeded. To this day I find little gaps in my self-esteem. It’s been years and I don’t have nightmares anymore but the damage is deep and doesn’t go away.

Parents can do damage to you that no one else can and that doesn’t heal. When you’re that young and vulnerable, and they know exactly where to put the knife in, it stays forever.

And I often recommend from my own paltry experience to cut ties, at least for a while. As long as you have that parental unit hovering over you, it’s very difficult to be your own person. When you cut ties completely, you can decide if and when you want to renew them, and sometimes it even makes the person realise that at the bottom of their twisted little heart they did love you, even if their love was warped and used to control you.

One more thing: I will always regret not having a “real” mother. I had two mothers, adopted and biological, neither of which loved me, and always craved mother’s love. You think that faint craving is ever going to go away?

10

I did some therapy which was terribly useless - that was when I was young and allowed people to tell me what I “must be feeling right now”. As **Litoris **writes, that can be the most damaging idea of all - the idea that you know what’s really going on, and the person in question doesn’t. Do I think that this can indeed be the case? Sure, absolutely. But I don’t think it’s a useful stance for a friendship.

When I was older, I did have some useful sessions with a good therapist who I clicked with; he let me feel whatever wacky “inappropriate” feelings and thoughts I actually felt or thought, and didn’t try to convince me I was in denial or projecting or whatever other buzzwords you like.

But what really clinched the healing for me was going through the Landmark Forum. I got a much clearer picture that any actual damage caused was completely in the past - I hadn’t been in touch with the abuser for 15 years. All that wreckage in the subsequent decade and a half was entirely my own creation, not his. All he did was bruise my body - and bruises heal in a matter of weeks. I was the one bruising my psyche, over and over again. So I stopped doing that.*

*Which is about as useful as saying, “Cigarettes were bad, so I stopped smoking them.” If there’s anything to be learned from this thread, it’s that there is no one magical formula for getting over it (whatever “it” is.) Different people have different solutions, and all you can do as a friend is be there for him while he works out his shit, as long as it doesn’t harm you to do so.

11

Litoris, I understand what you’re saying completely. To be honest, I’m not sure why the rest of the extended family doesn’t take a cue from him and cut the jerk out of their lives too (not talking about the jerk’s other kids here, but everyone else). He married in, so he definitely has less of a connection than his son does. Actually, our grandmother’s the one who’s pushing for reunion and giving little updates even though she made the initial CPS call. I don’t try to dredge up old memories, but he’s admittedly kind of screwed up right now, which isn’t that shocking considering. I will suggest programs if he asks (I’ve told him about programs and clinics for regular doctors visits before).

12

The only thing I would suggest he might need help for is the alcohol – if he is self-medicating. But ya know what? I did that for a while too – and I am just fine. Not everyone is an addict. Some of us just need time to ourselves. Perhaps you could talk to the grandmother and try to get her to understand that the cousin needs breathing room from the father?

You said you don’t understand why the rest of the family doesn’t cut him out – they don’t have reason to as you pointed out. He focused his abuse on the one cousin. This is the way it was with my mother. My sister and brother both are actively seeking out our mother – they love her. They both were loved by her. My sister was given everything she ever wanted and misses that relationship with her mother. I don’t fault any of them for wanting to have a relationship with her – they did not live my life. Am I jealous of that which they had? I used to be, but then I realised that (at least) part of how well they were treated was to show me how little I was wanted. Yes, my mother really was (hell, probably still is) that vindictive.

You cannot expect the rest of the family to write off the father because of how he treated the cousin. It just doesn’t work that way. Besides, a lot of people do that whole “he’s my father, I have to love him/have a relationship with him” thing. My husband does – whenever the subject of something his (batshiat crazy) mother does comes up, he starts off with “she’s my mother, and I love her, but…” He doesn’t understand that passing on one’s DNA does not create a legally binding contract for the offspring to love one. Meh. But his mother’s just a whackjob, not really abusive.

I applaud your concern for him – it is good that someone notices and cares. Best advice – talk to grandma and let her know that it is hurtful to push the cousin to do something he is not ready to do.

Many people will say “but you will feel guilty when he/she is dead” They have never been in the situation. My cousin had a lot of deep-seated issues with her mother. She followed my lead and walked away from them. I was the only one who understood what she was doing. I still loved her mother and had a relationship with her, because the issues they had were not mine. My cousin asked only that I let her know if/when her mother passed. When her mother became very ill and it was apparent that she would not survive, I contacted my cousin. She got here (she was living in another state) days before my aunt passed away. My aunt was never concious. My cousin had said her goodbyes years before – when she walked away. Her mother chose the path that she went down, my cousin had neither cause nor desire for guilt. To this day (6 years later) she knows that she did what she had to do for her own sanity. Like I said, I alone understood what she did – at the funeral, several relatives tried to mouth about it and I stood between them and her. It was her mother’s choice to do the things she did – my cousin was not at fault.

Good luck to your cousin in his search for peace. It can be a long search, but it is out there :slight_smile:

13

Long before “The Simpsons,” Matt Groening wrote a bunch of books … Life in Hell, Work in Hell, Love in Hell.

Unfortunately my copies are in storage, so I can’t give an exact cite. But in one of them, there is a panel in which the sad little child rabbit is told (not in these precise words, of course) “Some day you will grow up and you won’t have to take abuse from your parents anymore, you can just walk away from it.”

As a despairing adolescent, I took great comfort from that. Of course, reading a comic strip is not going to solve all the problems created by abusive parenting; if only it could. But honestly, if I were still struggling with my relationship with my parents, I’d track down the book (probably it was Life in Hell) and read it just for solace and courage.

14

I outlived him although it was touch and go a few times.

15

Being believed did wonders. One of the things that made it hardest for me to learn to ask for help is how many times did I try that during my childhood and youth, only to be told that I was “lying again”. Lying again, my two-cheeked ass.

In a way, that teacher who in an attack of dick-o-pause tried to overstep boundaries with half my class did me a favor. My parents were the only ones who did not file a complaint; my classmates, their parents and the teachers believed me just fine. While it didn’t make up for the past and upcoming years of disbelief, it told me that I wasn’t “imagining things” or “exagerating” - nothing wrong with my perceptions. It was the perceptions of my adults, what was wrong.

My father wasn’t intentionally abusive - he was a perfectionist and he somehow expected us three to have been born potty-trained. He was never able to see me as a person, only as his child. And he never knew about Gramps’… Mom did her best to hide it from him (same as she’d done her best to hide from me what a bastard her father was, until I had it thrust in my face as it were). I’m sad that Dad and me were never able to talk like adults - but guilt about having escaped that house as much as I could whenever I could? HELL NO!

16

Everybody’s mileage may vary.

I think nonacetone captured something with remarkable clarity, and I share some of that.

In my case, 23 years of therapy helped. And it was intensive - at the height of it all I was in private sessions with two different therapists and doing a weekly group and a monthly 4 hour intensive physical group.

And I worked with a wide variety of therapists. One of the most important moments was when one remarked that there wasn’t any reason I should try to reconcile or repair my relationship with my mother. It was such a casual remark, but perfectly true. Nobody is entitled to a relationship with any other person.

But I also think I outgrew much of the turmoil. That doesn’t mean it’s fixed. In many of the ways that matter most in life I will never be right. But I am not spending much energy on them and not continuing to live at cross purposes with myself over them. Part of outgrowing this is realizing how short life is, and wanting to get what good out if it I can now whether other things went right or not.

Also I think keeping some humor and some useful conservatism is good.

I think a good goal is to live life without making others suffer and easing the suffering they do have. I also think that something being painful isn’t necessarily a huge problem. Sometimes, it seems, just letting it be painful is the best course.

17

Thanks everyone. I’m glad that all of you were able to overcome these things. It’s interesting to see how things that worked for some of you were unhelpful to others. It gives me some hope that he might find his own way to live a “normal” life when he’s ready. Thanks for the book idea too CairoCarol.

18

I endured verbal and phsysical abuse from one of my brothers. When I was 19 (him 28), I decided enough was enough and tried to put his head through a wall.

19

It’s unusual that it’s a mother, apparently…

Oh, I was worthless, I was useless, I was lazy (well I WAS lazy…) all the rest. The physical abuse was pretty bad – no broken bones, but some fairly impressive and well hidden bruises.

The first step was making it stop. This does not work for everyone. She was driving me to school and I told her I wasn’t going to let this happen anymore. I was going to talk to my school counselor and they’d call the police.

First it was incredulity. They won’t believe you. You’re a liar.

You think so, I said, but they no better. I haven’t been in trouble at school a day in my life.

They won’t do anything, she said.

They’re legally bound to, I replied. I was very calm. I never raised my voice, I never cried, I was never overdramatic.

She told me that my father would lose his job, that we’d be hungry and out on the street and I’d be taken away and did I want that?

Better that than this. And then I said not a word more.

She threatened. She railed. She shouted. Then she begged.

I said nothing.

You can’t do this to us.

Silence.

You’ll ruin our lives.

Silence.

You can’t do this.

Silence.

You WON’T do this.

Silence.

She realized by the time we got to the school that I was serious, I wasn’t playing around anymore, and that all I had to do was speak to my counselor. I even had a witness – an ADULT witness, at that – to my mother’s abuse. I had a place to go, and she knew it. I was seventeen, of age to move out and do what I wanted. I was ready to go, and she knew it.

By the time we’d pulled up in front of the school she promised she would never touch me again if I didn’t go to the school counselors.

“I’ll think about it,” I said, and got out of the car.

I didn’t tell the counselors. But she knew that all it’d take was a phone call from my best friend’s mother and her life as she knew it was over. She also knew that she deserved it.

About a week later she gave me a heartfelt and sincere apology. Was it enough?

All at once, yes and no.

It didn’t make up for years of sheer terror, of being whipped with wooden spoons and metal coathangers and a riding crop and I forget what else. It didn’t make up for that horrible anxiety and tension I had (and retained for years) whenever someone walked behind me, for fear I would get a fist in the back. It didn’t make up for all the times she took her frustrations out on a kid who was just trying to do her best – even when I didn’t do anything, it was always my fault.

It did go some way to making up for her never admitting she had a problem.

She was diagnosed with severe depression and went on antidepressants. She’s still not a perpetual joy, but she’s a lot better, and she’s never laid a hand on me since.

Not only do I still keep in contact with her, I started living in the same house with both my parents since August. How’s that going? Not badly, but not great. I’ll be moving out when I have the opportunity, but I’m chill about the prospect. It’ll come. It’ll be all right.

I got over it in an unusual way, one I don’t necessarily recommend to anyone else. I forgave her. I have my reasons, and one big one is this: it’s in my nature to forgive. I’m bad about it, but I don’t like hating people.

Now, nobody in my family knows about the sexual abuse when I was about eleven, and that person is long out of my life. Good riddance too. That person I won’t forgive. I can’t forgive. And I’ve never really gotten over that one. It’s still with me today, whenever I’ve been the least bit intimate with someone. It’s colored every even slightly physical relationship and experience I’ve ever had. It probably contributes to my weight problem.

In my usual nonconfrontational way I still haven’t dealt with it. Still, that’s my problem.

20

I think totally leaving a place, person or thing is underrated.

When I look back on my first 20-years of life, I wish that SOMEONE wise, perceptive and mature would’ve said (when I was a legal adult at 18), “GuyNBlueJeans, you poor beaten-down hated bastard, get your driver’s license, birth certificate, high school diploma, social security card and some cash, and go out west … and get as far away from all of these sorry, worthless, filthy, dirty-rotten, loud, disgusting, evil, crummy no-good-for-nothing scumbags as you can and never look back!”

But stupid, insecure me didn’t have such a person to show the way … thus because I didn’t have the good sense and confidence to take an honest inventory of the situation, I more or less stumbled out and away from that pile of vomit that was my life via menial jobs. And it took too long.

A kid needs to know that he/she isn’t in the world to be any kind of a punching-bag for anyone, and that there are a zillion other places to live and work. Thus I say, be smart and strong and leave a bad situation and find one that’s better.