Help me break free from the bondage of my past.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Jackalope:

Why are you still in contact with your parents? Don’t expect them to release you from feeling that obligation to visit. Who can release you from your self-imposed sense of obligation?

You are taking a big step in the right direction in not going this summer. Just remember that you don’t owe them any explanation for why you are not going. There is no need to shift the responsibility to anyone else. You have a right not to go and not to discuss why.

I was abused by my mother physically, emotionally and sexually. This sexual abuse stopped when she thought that I was getting old enough that I might remember. But she underestimated me. I remember.

The physical abuse continued until I was eighteen and went away to college. I have felt guilt for just lying there and allowing her to beat me and slap me with impunity.

The emotional abuse was the worst of all for me. I already had a genetic predisposition for depression. Her undermining of my self-confidence just lit the fuse.

My mother is a narcissist. That means that she is only concerned about how things affect her. Everything is about her and her feelings. She is incapable of considering my feelings.

Last year the emotional abuse was bad enough that I finally drew a line and said “no more.” The sad thing is that she is ninety and I am almost sixty. I see her twice a year for a total of about six hours.

I’m glad that you are strong enough to begin addressing this at a much younger age. Don’t make your life miserable by being a “dutiful daughter.”

When you are in counselling, digging through all of it may be painful, but you will be better in the long run. It takes a lot of work.

My father was a wonderful man who loved me very much and with great kindness. But he had his own business and was away from home about seventy hours a week. He knew about the abuse and tried to curtail it but could not. He should have done more to protect me. But he helped to make up for that by being so warm and good-natured and encouraging. I can’t imagine what I would be like if I had suffered abuse from both parents as you have.

You are stronger than you know and that is what you will learn in therapy. Do get a good counselor though. If you feel uncomforable with one, don’t hesitate to try another until you find a good match for you.

Once you have found your strength, don’t rent them space in your head anymore.

You can always find support here. ((((Jackelope))))

22

Good luck to you. My mother was both mentally and physically abusive towards me for pretty much the entire time I was living with her - at least up until the point where I learned to fight back. I really don’t want to talk about it, but obviously, from the replies here, you’re not alone. And I’ll echo what everyone else says: it was not your fault, and I’m sorry you had to go through it. But I might offer you a bit of advice with the therapist thing:

Do you have insurance? I don’t know if all insurance companies do this, but several months ago when I was having serious problems, the people at my insurance company actually called around to all the doctors/therapists in my area, seeing if anybody could fit me in for an “emergency appointment,” and I got one in a matter of days, rather than having to wait a month. There are also various emergency mental health clinics in most areas that typically work with people who do not have insurance, if that is the case with you.

Best of luck on getting through this.

23

Bravo! this is an important step!**

An important role of spouses is to take the blame. I’d suggest you brief him on the story in case they talk to him but it’s best that neither of you EVER speak to them again.**

Nor should you. They cannot shove you around anymore. You are strong; you have backup (your husband); and he has backup (us).**

Was he possibly abused, too? He might be a person to get support from, too.**

That’s a couple tough ones that I can only guess at. (shudder)**

Forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting and it CERTAINLY doesn’t require you to reenter the lion’s den every summer. And it’s a lot easier from a few hundred miles away.**

My idea of the true Hell is for someone to “get it,” to understand the consequences of his actions. Sociopaths like your father don’t get it in this life.**

I’m sorry but that is unlikely to happen. Accept it now and pray that they come to understand why it can’t happen.**

What I recommend is that you push them out of your life, block their calls, burn their mail, and start over. Find a mentor. Be the parent you never had. Hug your husband. Spend too much time here so you catch yourself missing their birthdays. You are a new woman, reborn fresh and clean on June 7th, 2003. I’ll push my birthday up a day and we can celebrate our new birthdays together!

24

More thoughts.

As a religious person I understand your position on trying to love your parents. But I have come to understand that this is where we go wrong. It doesn’t say we have to love our parents, just honor them. It says nothing about having to visit them if they are going to do us harm. Another huge reason to avoid dad is if you have a child of your own. If he abused you, he will abuse your child and that is something you don’t want to happen. I have had people who work with abusive people say that the only way they can be cured is if they seek help immediately upon onset of the problem. They have never seen anyone get cured after they have been abusing for any time even with couseling.

Religion is a good thing. Going to church can give you confidence since you will be around people who will value you and treat you nicely. Prayer works.

Another thing that helped me was to read everything I could about abuse. Not personal accounts, but socialogy type stuff. It also helped to know that conservative numbers are 1:10, more radical numbers put it at 1:3 little girls are abused. There are alot of us out there.

I am glad you are going to a counselor who can help you get thru this.

You might want to start watching fathers with their children. You will find that there are fathers who actually want to be with their kids, who love their kids, and don’t abuse them. (I was not abused by my father, but when growing up he didn’t pay any attention to me)

I promised myself a long time ago that I would use what happened to me to help others as much as I could. I would not have been abused in vain. I will not allow the abuser to win by me being silent. I was abused by 2 of my brothers. One even taped recorded him raping me and then played it back years later to torment me. No it doesn’t ever really go away, but it cam get better and you can have months go by without thinking about it.

I will pray for you that God gives you healing.

25

My only comment is to back up what others have said: you are under no obligation to visit these people this year or any year, or to have any contact AT ALL with them for the rest of your life unless YOU want to. You also don’t need to offer any kind of excuse. From your description they should know perfectly well why you don’t want to go back.

26

**

**

Physical pain is easier to shut out and eventually stops. It’s the words that do more damage, because they go directly to our heart, scarring us forever.

Which is why I can remember the pain of two labors, but I can recall the words of some mean kid to me in elementary school.

We remember the bad, and not the good.

27

Its really difficult to digest what you’ve all said. I wish i was alone with this but, sadly, im not. I dont know what to say to you all about the horrors you’ve gone through except how awful for you. :frowning: I’ve read over what youve all said three times to make sure i’m not missing anything and many many things ring true to me. I will go to the crisis place on monday and see what they have to offer. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I will say this about you all, You all have very big hearts!

28

Please keep us updated. We’ve just met you but you can see the large group of people, REAL people, who care about you and want you to be well and happy. And the next time somebody says that internet message boards are full of stalkers, creeps, and phonies (and someone will) feel free to point him or her our way.

29

You were alone and helpless when you were a child, but not now. You’re not alone and you’re not helpless. Needing help as a child, you didn’t get it but you can get help now. Your husband helps and you help yourself, but your past is huge and you need more help to carry it. My therapist helped me to carry my past until I could drop big pieces of it. Now I carry memories, but they are like mist, very light, and I can carry these memories or let them go, as I will. I encourage you to seek help. even if it isn’t fast coming. Keep your appointments. You are precious.

30

(((((((((((((((((((((((jackalope))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I just want to say that you’ll be in my prayers tonight.
I’m not going to pretend I know how you feel, or that I could ever know what you went through, but I’d like to offer a little advice, based on my experience, about therapy.

It’s important to forgive people, but you have to work THROUGH the anger, and the shame, and the guilt first.
Let it out.
It’s scary and it’s horrible, and you might feel worse before you feel better, but you WILL feel better.

Sometimes things you try to push down and repress come back harder and stronger, and never seem to give you a moment’s peace. Once you have said them, and written them, and analysed them and rationalised them, they’re not so scary anymore.
You’ve taken away their power by confronting them, and THEN you can move on.

And at some point, your thoughts and your feelings are your own again, and you can forgive them, and yourself, and live your life out of the shadows.

I’ll pray for that sunshine for you.

31

I grew up in an abusive home though it was primarily threats with guns pointed at me and torturous things like turning off the power to the whole house except his room leaving terrified children in the dark. Yeah he was a drug dealer too. The house was filthy as were we kids who weren’t taught proper hygiene. My sexual abuse came from outside the home but my mother and her verbal abuse hurt much more. She finally dumped me when I was 15 to move in with some guy she’d known for 2 months. I found out a couple weeks before xmas she and my little brother were moving but there wassn’t enough room for me. I was lucky to have loving yet strict grandparents who took me in.

I had a nervous breakdown amidst all this. It’s been a long climb out of my hole but I am doing it. The worst part is I’m the bad guy cause I dont want to be in touch with her. She acts like nothing happened now and laughs off my “trauma” as my wacky imagination I guess. Im the one tearing apart the family apparently. You can’t listen to that bullshit though. It will only bring you back down. Remeber you didn’t do a damn thing wrong.

You can keep on going and live the life you want. It’s not easy, in fact it’s lonely which is why getting help is so important. I’m not there yet but I’m getting there which means you can too. If you are alone in person remember you aren’t in spirit.

32

WARNING: Specific examples follow so don’t read if you can’t handle it.

My Dad and several members of his family were alcoholics. He was a good man and treated me well, or at least that’s how I remember it. He died when I was 9 from his alcoholism. He was my nurturing parent. He was never mean or hurtful. The worst punishment to me was to disappoint him. Whenever he told me he was disappointed in me, I tried my best to not disappoint him again. I don’t remember him ever spanking me or anything like that. The only time I remember him really punishing me was when I was about 4is and said “damn”. He washed my mouth out with Zest. I didn’t swear again until I was 26 and to this day (I’ll be 46 next month) I won’t use Zest. However, from what I’ve learned since growing up, alcoholism/alcoholics have a detrimental effect on their families. Now, let’s move on to my mother and her side of the family.

When my mother learned she was pregnant, she wanted to get an abortion. My father talked her out of it, or he thought he did, and talked her into marrying him. They did get married and had me, but my mother did try to abort me. As you can see, it didn’t work.

After I was born, my mother tried to smother me with a pillow, but the nurse walked in and stopped her. Somehow, I managed to live long enough to be taken home.

When I was 2ish, my mother and sister (she’s my sister in blood only… i don’t think of her as a sister and don’t really have any contact with her…she is my mother’s daughter from her first marriage)anyway, they buried me alive in the dirt floor basement and left me for dead. Also 2ish I was forced to participate in small animal (cat) sacrifice.

My grandmother believed it was necessary to bathe the entire child. To this day, I have a very difficult time taking a bath as I still think I see blood in the water. She used a paring knife inside my vagina to “clean” it. My grandmother also did wonderful things like locking me in the closet or garage and she had what I call “grandma’s beer game” When I was 4-7ish (I think) My mother and grandmother would sit outside and drink beer. When one of them would finish their can of beer, I was told to go get another. The game was I had to chug from the 16 oz. can And was supposed to see how much I could chug without barfing.

In total I was abused from the time I was born, or before, depending on how you look at it, until I was early 20ish by 16 people (not counting my father since to me he wasn’t abusive although there are people who would disagree).

I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by so many people for so many years I could never see any way out of it. I finally found my way into therapy and was determined to put myself back together. It took 15 years to do it. It took so long because 1. there was so much to work through. 2. as much as I wanted to change, I was afraid of abandoning behaviors I was familiar with so I was resistant to change at the same time I wanted it if that makes sense. I stuck with it and it worked.

Now I’m a whole person, free from the fears, anger, and other haunting things from the past.
At one point, I said I’d never remarry until I could be sure I’d be able to make a healthy decision about someone to marry. 21 months ago I married a husband who I KNOW would never abuse me in any way! I’m very happy! Secure in who I am and free from the past.

I don’t know that a person ever totally escapes it. There are still things that crop up and have to be dealt with at the time, but it’s not nearly with the same intensity as things were in the past. I’m now able to respond to people such as yourself, I hope to help them, where in the past I lived a life a hiding, trying to escape and trying to protect the secrets. I have nothing to hide now and my life is an open book.

I remember when I believed I was responsible for everything. I can’t even begin to go into everything, but one example is my mother made sure I understood that if I ever told anyone about what happened, I would be killed or the person I had told would be killed. She reinforced that by showing me what killing someone meant using a cat. When my Daddy died, I was SURE it was my fault. There are still times I wonder if she contributed to his death. Another example: I had a friend in Jr. High. One morning she was murdered on her way to school. I had never said anything to her about what had happened to me, but still I thought that by having her for a friend, I was responsible for her death … like maybe my mother hired someone to kill her.

I’m no longer responsible for everything that happens around me. I’m only responsible for my actions and not the actions of other people. I don’t have the supreme powers to force someone to do something they don’t choose to do for themselves and one day you, too, will understand that.

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. You can work through this. The fact that you are still alive and posted to the board indicate you are a survivor. If you dig your heals in and resolve to do it, you can get over it. I know you don’t believe you deserve to have a happy life, but you do and you will if you get into professional treatment and make sure you find a good counselor who you can work with.

My email is always open if you want to talk.

Kathy

33

Cadolphin… wow… I am forever surprised at the cruelty of others. And yet your strength and eloquence in all of that is even more amazing. From one survivor to another my heart goes out to you and I applaud your strength and your courage to tell your story too.

It was so difficult for me to start telling too as my father threatened to kill people … I was never afraid for myself but for the others! But with each iteration of my story I build momentum and strength … It seems you have too.

hugs I hope I managed to say that right :slight_smile:

34

Thank you very much tanookie.

hugs

You said it just fine :slight_smile:

Kathy

35

i can truely say i understand the feelings.
My parents? emotionaly never there for me. Never went as far as sexual, but plenty of physical. Because, as you know, more bruises you leave, the faster the lesson learned.

Emotional/mental? they never givin-up on those guilt games. I’m just a worthless pile of steaming shit. They still try and tell me that they always loved me a lot. Why didn’t they friggin show it then?

by the time i reached 18…things mellowed out…but still had plenty of guilt games. It’s a trapped feeling…

Warm huggz to all. Like it was stated before, we maybe are guilty to get a punishment, but never, ever to that degree. They are not better than us. We should not give in to the empty-sad feelings…letting them gouvern our lives.

It only takes one person to make you feel small. But it only takes one small person to stand firm and say Enough

36

I’m very sad to hear so many here have had to endure terrible abuse in childhood. I’m very glad, however, that you have all survived. It says a lot about your inner strength.

Jackalope, I don’t know that your parents will understand. Unfortunately, you’ll probably walk away very disappointed by them. It’s obviously up to you, but I’d wait until you’ve had some counselling before you decide whether or not to talk to them about your childhood. It’s probably safer to wait until you’ve had a good chunk of time to work through all of your feelings. When you get to a spot where you feel more in control of your past and how it affects you currently, it may not matter so much how they react.

Counselling is wonderful afterwards but going through it will be really painful. It is very much worth it, though. I can’t stress that enough! Your past unfortunately cannot be undone, but with time and work, it will lose it’s power to hurt you now. I wish you the best of luck.

I sympathize with your concern about reconciling your religious beliefs regarding your parents. But God doesn’t want you to be in pain and wouldn’t expect you to do something that keeps you in bondage. Keep that in mind. God doesn’t want you to suffer.

As far as feeling stuck: that will take a long time. Go to a good counsellor, work through your feelings, and when you are feeling up to it, take baby steps. Take little steps forward. Say you’ve always been afraid to get your driver’s license… well, go to driving school. You can always back out, but try. If you’d love to have a specific career, start taking baby steps towards it (like learning about it online, doing volunteer work in the field, or attending community college courses, etc.) Baby steps are great because you’re not jumping in to something you may not be able to stop if you get too scared or realize it’s too big yet.

Again, I wish you well.

37

I don’t know what to say, really. Others have already said things far better than I can. Still, I can contribute a couple of things.

First of all, as some of you know, I run an on-line support group called Cecil’s Place for depressed Dopers. It is there for anyone who needs a hand.

It’s still hard for me to admit, but I was emotionally abused by my parents. I love them, and they did the best they knew how, but they made some rather nasty mistakes, and I got stuck with the consequences. Jackalope, I assure you it is still possible to honor your mother without harming yourself. If you’re a Christian, I don’t think I need to remind you that Jesus said, “love your neighbor as yourself.” As a good Wiccan friend of mine once pointed out, you are not only encouraged to love and respect yourself, you’re required to, or at least give it a good shot. (My Wiccan friends play dirty! ;)) You are not a horrible person for wanting to associate with her. You are not a cruel, uncaring daughter for wanting to keep some distance between you.

Family reactions can be difficult. My brothers aren’t that much younger than me, so, when I first realized I’d been emotionally abused, I called them up, told them I’d been abused and I was worried they might have been, too. Bad idea. They immediately rose up in defense of my parents and, if I recall, told me in effect, that I was being crazy and nasty. When I told them this, I was in the hospital because clinical depression had driven me to near catatonia. Whether jackalope’s brother was abused or not, this may not be something he wants to hear, and he may react to it as a threat. Jackalope, if you decide to tell him, please learn from my mistake and sort of feel him out about the subject rather than just springing it on him.

Finally, finding a good therapist can be surprisingly difficult. When I finally made the decision to start treatment again, the first 5 I called weren’t seeing new patients. Fortunately, the 6th was, and she is a very good one indeed. I’m glad you’re going to a clinic on Monday, because otherwise I would have told you not to wait until you’re off the waiting list. If you need support, or just someone to let out a good, old-fashioned, “Aaargh!” to, my e-mail address is in my profile.

Hmmm. This looks like a long post for someone who didn’t know what to say. Still, I’ll throw in one more thing. You are stronger, wiser, more worthy, and more beautiful of soul than you know right now. Fortunately, you’ve got a few of us draconic types watching over you until you grow into your wings, if you’d like us to. If you want a virtual hug, it’s there. If you’re not the touchy-feely kind, it can be done without physical contact.

Be well,
CJ

38

I have not lived anything even remotely close to the glimpses of hell revealed here. If any of my words, in their clumsiness and lack of skill, I apologize deeply ahead of time. If they make no sense, that may be the best I can hope for with how I stumble at my attempts at my own religious narratives term right speech. I am hoping some value can be found in them, some help.

Every one of us is a passage of transmission of our pasts. The greatest sufferings you can attempt to forget, to leave behind, and perhaps some may succeed at some level, in forgetting them–but it remains.

See your parents. Not the adults who made themselves vessels of the transmission of hell to the helpless. Take their faces, soften them. Take years away. Try to see them as the small children they once were. See those children. Those children, they are inside you as they were inside them.

Something happened. A big something, a string of little ones. These small children, with all their beautiful and awful human potential, were shaped, scarred, twisted into the kind of adults who could do what they did. These children are your parents and your past, too. Honor them–that requires no duty to the adults they grew into, needs no contact. It can take place in your heart, and the honoring lies in you healing where these children can not. As these children are within you, as you heal, you heal them, as your parents could or would not.

This is not about forgiveness, this seeing–forgiveness of that magnitude is not your job, not your duty. It is not about excusing or explaining away–at the heart of every act of monstrosity, no matter how shaped by scars and suffering, is a choice. But it is about compassion, which, I think, is more important than forgiveness.

May peace be in all of you, and carry all the suffering children in you into a brighter dawn.

39

Jackalope, my heart goes out to you for sharing the deeply personal and traumatic story of your life. Thank you for sharing your pain, anger, depression and confusion, etc. You are not alone. I honestly understand and empathize and I want to say you aren’t a victim, you’re a survivor. Being known as a survivor of disasters, wars or accidents usually gains the survivor respect, they’re often called heroes, but being a survivor of child abuse is to be labelled a “victim”, and I dislike that label.
There are so many people in whom we place our trust and we are betrayed. It’s not your fault your trust was shattered and the world stopped being safe. There is NO excuse for what happened to you. The horror of what others can do to an innocent child should never be eroded, but there is hope…healing and recovery IS possible. You don’t have to live with the effects of abuse for the rest of your life. The journey to overcome what was done to you can be the toughest battle. Surviving is something that can be learned…you need to be equipped with the knowledge you’ll need to continue surviving throughout your life. Some people find strength in faith or in therapy, though personally, I found strength within myself when I realised no one was responsible for my happiness except myself. I lived in denial for so long that it wasn’t until I dealt with my past that I was able to let the healing begin…that’s when I felt free. The abused should never be silenced. You, too, can survive and live a happy life…you deserve it. All the best.

40

Everyone that has revealed their past abuse in this thread is so brave to come forward about it. I was never abused, but I know my fair share of people that were, and the hardest part for them was coming out and realizing that it wasn’t their fault.

It isn’t your fault.

And furthermore, you should feel absolutely no obligation to see them. If you had a husband, boyfriend, or friend who treated you that was for that amount of time, I’d be willing to bet they would be out of your life pretty fast. Don’t feel guilty about doing so because they’re your parents because quite frankly, they don’t sound like parents to me. A parent is there to love, nurture, teach, and protect the child from the kind of abuse you received. You have a great wealth of support in your husband, your friends, and everyone here on the Straight Dope. The thing that will sting the worst to your parents is if they see you having a happy life in spite of all that you’ve gone through - a happy life without them. Please do seek counseling or a support group, because it really can help you realize you’re not alone and find ways to put this behind you and come out stronger and happier - the way that you deserve to be. {{jackalope, avabeth, tanookie, Zoe, TeleTronOne, Mr Jim, cadolphin, 5U1C1D3, and anyone else who needs a hug (hopefully I didn’t miss anyone)}}