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So do married people, otherwise divorce lawyers around the world would be out of a job.
So the wedding isn’t actually FOR the couple, but for the “community” (family, friends, whoever)?
If you are in a totally committed couple relationship, what is the advantage of not being legally married?
I keep reading that a reason not to get married is to avoid a messy and costly divorce. I am not a lawyer, but it seems to me that the issues in splitting up any long term relationship are going to be the same. Who gets the cars, house, retirement benefits, and bank accounts, who has custody of the children and who pays how much child support? Once the money is combined things can get messy no matter what the relationship.
The process of a divorce serves a clear purpose in a long relationship, especially with children involved. It legally divides up property and decides child support/custody issues when two people are so at odds with each other that they can’t agree. Two people who might have a messy divorce will still probably have a messy and costly separation if they aren’t married. You can’t avoid the costs of lawyers and court just by not getting married. This is especially true if you have children.
On the other hand, a divorce can be very inexpensive if both parties agree on who gets what.
Did you want to hear our thoughts on marriage, or did you want to try to argue us out of thinking it was the right thing for us? 
Addressing the comment about weddings being for the community–I don’t think so, and I didn’t think that was what Mando Jo was saying. I believe that the fact that a couple has gone through the ceremony may be meaningful for many people outside the couple, for the reason I’ve been harping on and others have stated better than me. However, the ceremony itself may or may not be a comunity-type celebration. Depends on the family. Some people like to make the occasion an opportunity to publically celebrate the commitment, but not everyone does. I didn’t, but it was certainly no secret that we chose to get married.
Zumba, good points. I am, unfortunately (and blindly) working with the assumption that everyone thinks like me. (You leave with what you came with, and you leave there what was there when you showed up. Whatever the two of you aquired together gets split. Children are shared in the most convenient way possible, for all involved. But I guess it’s not always that easy, even in non-married relatioships. Why can’t everyone just be reasonable? [/wishful thinking])
Green Bean - With the money my (even still, imaginery) boyfriend and I would spend on a “traditional” wedding (cake, white dress, tux, food, music, whatever – none of this “Justice of the Peace” in a courtroom stuff because, if I’m going to star in a circus, it damn well better be a NICE circus), we could purchase the family car, or put a down payment on a nice house.
You asked for “the advantage”, I suppose that’s a pretty good one.
“I’m not bashing marriage or married people. I’m just trying to understand the point of it all.” - Me, 15 posts above yours.
You’re conflating “marriage” and “wedding.”
Last I heard, a it cost $128 to get married here in NJ. A big fancy wedding doesn’t make you any more married that the $128 special.
So, do you want to discuss weddings or marriages?
Well, you can’t really have a marriage without a wedding (which is defined “to unite, as if in marriage” or “to enter into matrimony”), so the topics do kind of go hand-in-hand. But, you’re right, a big circus doesn’t make you any more married than a private ceremony.
Here’s my take on this thread so far.
People get married for many reasons, including but not limited to societal expectations, convenience, tradition, and to put the fear of divorce into their SO. (These things you can’t find in a non-married relationship. Although I still say it’d be more convenient to just bag the whole marriage idea…) Love and committment play a very small role in the choice to get married. (These things you can find in non-married relationship, so marriage isn’t necessary if these are the things that are important to you.)
Children are not affected by the legal status of their parents. As long as the relationship is stable, the children of non-married parents will be fine. (Here’s a spin-off of that idea - I’d rather be the child of a loving, caring, attentive non-married couple than a dysfunctional married couple. In short, I don’t agree with thermalribbon at all.)
Breaking up can be just as hard as a divorce. And divorce can be just as easy as breaking up.
I still don’t quite “get” it, though.
So, before I let this thread go (and I’m going to because Quix was right; I won’t get it until I’ve been there), let me just make it perfectly clear that I’m not arguing what’s right or wrong, whether it be society’s idea, or an individual’s idea. I’m not saying that marriage is a bad thing, or anything like that. I’m not saying that you guys are < insert any negative idea here > for making the decision to get married. I’m just saying I don’t get it. And I probably never will.
Thanks for trying anyway, guys.
Oh, you’ll understand when you meet the right guy, dear. 
Most poimts have been covered, so I’ll be brief.
My wife and I are not a couple.
We’re a family.
Take that as you will. To me, a family is a source of strength, comfort and security, a construct which is far greater than the sum of its parts. When i got married, not only did my wife join my family - and I join hers - but we also formed a new family of our own. A team. A common front, bound by oath and law and blood and love. We are three individuals in two bodies - Her, Me, and Us.
Of course, for many other people the word “family” has different meanings. In which case, the choice is up to you.
Silver, don’t take this the wrong way, but I do not believe you are trying to understand it at all. I think you’re positing a negative opinion about marriage and phrasing it in a way you believe won’t cause offense.
So far in the thread you have, after your initial question, posted ELEVEN extra messages, which is probably the most I have ever seen an OPer post in an IMHO thread of this length. Virtually all the messages you have posted are directly argumentative of the opinions you claim to be interested in hearing.
Reply 1 contains a variety of rebuttals and compares marriage to rape
Reply 2 dismisses the magnitude of divorce
Reply 3 is directly critical of society’s interest in marriage
Reply 4 misrepresents what was said about divorce
Reply 5 criticizes Airman Doors’s honest opinion, which was provided to you at your request
Reply 6 criticizes (with unnecessary sarcasm) thermalribbon’s opinion
Reply 7 doesn’t really say much at all
Reply 8 criticizes Manda Jo’s opinion
Reply 9 is the first acknowledgement that someone said anything of value
Reply 10 is a repeat of your claim that you are “not bashing marriage or married people. I’m just trying to understand the point of it all,” which I believe is demonstrably false
Reply 11 is a statement of your own opinion.
I don’t mean to come off as snotty, and this isn’t Pit material because I think it goes directly to the topic. I simply don’t think you were making a significant attempt to understand anyone’s opinion. I base that on my extensive experience that when people say “I want to hear and understand your opinion” and then immediately argue with the opinions they are offered, they didn’t want to understand them in the first place.
If you really DO want to understand why people value marriage (or understand why anyone holds an opinion contrary to your own whatever the subject) you cannot do it by asking their opinions and then writing eleven rebuttals. You have to listen and try your level best to see how their values might seem to THEM, probably by seeing how those values might correlate to your your own in other ways. You could start a discussion about how various approaches to marriage might be culturally based, or how we may be percieving a difference at the fifth and sixth levels of thought that is in fact a commonality of opinion at the fourth. But if you’re just going to come back with “I don’t agree,” it pretty much stops dead right there.
There are many benefits to being married, and if you are sure you have found the person you want to be with forever, there’s no reason not to get married. I might not have married as soon if I was able to get my wife and stepdaughter on my insurance without doing so, that was my primary motivation in getting married. The fact we wanted kids didn’t have much to do with it - neither of our families has anything against children born out of wedlock, and we both know several committed couples who raise children without being married. As far as the committment thing, I knew I didn’t need to marry her to get her to stay committed to me, but a small part of my wanting to get married was to prove to her that I was as committed to the relationship as she was - I’m pretty sure I communicated it well enough before, but I wanted to be sure.
RickJay, are you on crack?!
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My first post did not “compare marriage to rape”. I asked a question to make sure I was ABSOLUTELY CLEAR about the meaning behind Airman’s post. I’ve never known anyone to describe marriage as “forced”, so I was making sure.
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My second post did not “dismiss the magnitude of divorce”. I simply stated that saying to a person “Let’s think of something a little less destructive than breaking ties” is just as easy whether that person is your husband or your boyfriend.
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Notice the “Right?
” at the end of my fourth reply. When Airman said “And that’s what marriage is good for, in my opinion” DIRECTLY FOLLOWING “…because there’s no easy way out” I took that as meaning “People who get married will stay together longer because of a fear of divorce”. Again, looking for clarification. -
I don’t believe that I was critisizing Airman at all.
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I didn’t critisize thermalribbon’s opinion, I advised him to read the thread again.
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I never once critisized Manda Jo OR her opinion. I first stated a fact, then I asked a question.
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RickJay, don’t take this the wrong way, but I do not believe you actually READ any of my responses. I think you’re making wacky assumptions (like I would actually shield the real meaning of my OP to avoid offending anybody, as if I care). Most of my replies were in QUESTION FORM, which would suggest to me a need for clarification, not “being argumentative of” anything. Are you sure your reading comprehension is up to code?
BTW, allow me to save you some time:
Reply 12 questions RickJay’s use (or not) of recreational drugs, followed by some clarification of previously misinterpreted posts, ending with a question of RickJay’s ability to read and understand the written word, sprinkled with a bit of sarcasm.
(Alessan, Badtz, thank you for your input.)
One of the biggest reasons my husband and I married was to be able to make life and death decisions for each other.
Granted, we could have filled out a whole lot of paperwork - power of attorney, etc… to ensure that, but frankly, marriage seemed easier, quicker, and a more secure way of making sure our wishes would be honored in a worst case scenario.
Silverfire, I don’t think you understood my point at all, so let me try again. I wrote the other one at the end of a 16 hour day and was rambling a bit.
Societies all over the globe mark the major changes in life with some sort of formal announcement of that change: baptisms/name days/bris, coming-of-age ceremonies, marriges, retirement parties, funnerals. You really can’t just question the institution of marrige without questioning all of these, because they come as a package. We humans seem to have a thing for making a formal acknowledgement of change when change occurs. The size of the ceremony dosen’t matter: I myself was married by a judge in a courthouse, and we didn’t telll anyone til after the fact. What matters is that a premeditated effort is made to formally declare that the relationship has changed. Obviously, someone dosen’t have to do this, but the urge to is deep-seated in the Way People Are.
I dunno why we got married, but I’m glad we did.
A few years ago I would have left if it hadn’t been more difficult…and because it would hve been so difficult, we talked it out and are MILES beyond that now.
If nothing else, it’s a good way to get out of a gross pick-up: “Sorry, I’m married.” 
I dunno. Married, not married…whatever works for you. Marriage is working for us. It didn’t work out so well for my mom, 3 times. I suppose a lot of it is nothing but habit.
I think everything that I want to say about this has been said already in one way or another, but since this is IMHO, here’s mine:
In no particular order
[li]It’s a way of saying to your partner “I will stay by your side even if it hurts me to do so”. (I honestly believe in Love as being something that we deliberately do by choice, not just a tingly feeling)[/li][li]It’s a way of telling the world that you don’t want to welcome romantic interest from other people.[/li][li]It’s a way of allowing certain things to be set and taken for granted (in a good, non-exploitative way), so we agree on them once and for all and don’t need to keep checking them.[/li]I could go on, but most of it is just reiteration of what other people have said.
IMHO, people who say that marriage is just a ‘piece of paper’ or similar, are missing the point entirely (I almost want to call this idea a ‘straw man’; what do you think?); I have a piece of paper that says that I’m legally allowed to to drive a car unattended (my drivers licence), but it would be absurdity in the extreme to suggest that ‘travelling by car is just a piece of paper’.
I also like to point out the common misconception with the marriage vows, many people think that the minister (or whatever) asks the bride and groom ‘do you XYZ?’, to which they answer, ‘I do’, but in reality (or at least in my experience), he asks ‘will you XYZ?’ and they answer ‘I will’, which means something entirely different.
In summary, marriage, for me is about loving as opposed to being in love.
[sup](Before some pedant leaps in to correct me with divorce rates and point out my naive idealism; when I say ‘it is’ above, what I mean is ‘I think it should be’, OK?).[/sup]
Me, again. I wanted to clarify my post (and Silver’s response) wherein I mentioned that kids of nonwed parents are looked at with scorn and pity. I am most assuredly NOT saying your soon-to-be niece or nephew will be regarded by me as a pariah. What I am saying is that there are people who will cock their heads questioningly, ask stupid questions, make stupid assumptions and/or say very hurtful things. I am not saying that is right – just that it does happen. In my own case, my child was conceived before my marriage. She was born seven months after our wedding day, and it is amazing to me that yes, people will still do the math and chuckle. What pisses me off about this is that there is still such a stigma attached to premarital sex (despite our knowledge that pretty much everyone IS doing it) that my marriage is called into question sometimes as a result (i.e. “Oh, you HAD to get married, huh?”). Because I am a strong believer in the institution of marriage and my reasons for marrying my husband were not based on my pregnancy status (indeed, it was much the other way 'round)it does irk me that people make these assumptions.
Would you argue that it’s not necessary to sign a sales contract, since you really ARE going to pay for the car, really, you mean it, you won’t back out? Marriage is much the same thing. It is a legally binding contract between two consenting adults to adhere to certain rules and regulations (the nice thing is, you get to choose your own rules and regs with your partner). While it cerainly IS possible to have a long-term, even permanent, relationship with another person, to have a family together, whatever, it seems to me that your argument against marriage is the same as someone else’s argument for: it’s not easy to get out of.
The argument that “marriage is a tradition and a custom” cerainly doesn’t make marriage any more “correct” than any other custom or tradition, and is not a very strong argument in favor of marriage. BUT… it’s true, in our society, that marriage IS a custom, it is what we do <shrug>.
I do agree that marriage is not for everyone. But you didn’t ask why it was for everyone, you asked why it was for those of us who wished to respond, so while your arguments against marriage are valid ones, you’re still arguing with someone’s opinion. (I do see that you’re not arguing, per se, just asking for clarification - but your delivery, which is sarcastic and semantic, is making people feel defensive.)
I’m with RickJay, Silver. If you want to understand something, you need to listen. Or, as my philosophy prof was fond of saying: open your mind and shut your mouth.
Even your subject line has an attitude. The good people here are trying to answer the question you so humbly set forth. Let them do that. And then listen. Don’t try to come up with an argument right away. Just absorb what they are trying to convey.
So you have 3 choices here. You can read what people are saying and try to come to some comprehension about why people choose to enter into a marriage, you can sit there like a tennis player at the net and deflect everything people say, OR…you can walk away. We’re not married, so you’re free to do that.
The marriage ceremony is a public declaration of your love and commitment to one another.
Can you just live together? Sure. But doesn’t it say more when you commit to someone in a formal setting? When people get married they are saying ‘We aren’t afraid of the divorce rate, we aren’t affraid of getting this piece of paper and the legal ramifications’ If you just live together there is always this thing looming above you. What is the reason for NOT getting married? What’s holding you back? Are you really scared of that piece of paper? If you think you’ll get a divorce, aren’t you kind of spinning your wheels living together anyway?