Okay, Now I'm Just Sabotaging Myself.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, okay, I’ve been laid off for a year now, and all the paying work I’ve had since then was a three month temp hitch in A/P back in April. I’ve been sending out resumes, applying online, registering at temp agencies, attending work fairs etc.
I’m living off my 401K and unemployment and my mom’s social security is paying the rent. She and I live together, so it’s not like I’m stealing it. I suppose if worst came to worst, I could start selling off my impressive book collection on the street at a dollar a pop, and that would bring in a couple of thousand to get through two months at least.

I’m trying to upgrade. I’m taking online courses to get my Bachelor’s in Accounting. Even though I hate accounting, it’s all I know how to do to make cash. They almost kicked me out of that too, because of 30 year old clerical error on my high school records, but at least that catastrophe was averted with seconds to spare, and at least I knew that none of it was my fault.

So now, I’m also trying to get licensed to sell insurance. The pay will be straight commission, so I will only make money if I get a sale. I’m not thrilled, but I have to do something to get employment. I have to drive out to a distant suburb to attend meetings every Monday and Saturday. One Friday night, while I was trying to set the alarm on a new alarm clock that I didn’t have figured out very well, I managed to knock the time back three hours without noticing. By the time I did notice the next day as I was walking out the door to get to the meeting because I looked at my wristwatch, the meeting was over. An important one too, where they were explaining about seminars and saliva kits and stuff like that.

I smoothed things over by telling my group leader the truth along with a lot of “ha-ha, how stupid am I, huh?” talk. Anyway, moving along, she registers me for the two day state licensing classes for insurance in another suburb, according to some dates I picked out on a list I was given. They all seemed to be on a weekend, so I duly pick out November 18 and 19, and she sends me the email that tells me what to do. I check that I get the email, but I don’t read it too closely. I just “know” that it’s this weekend.

Well, today I open the email to read what to do for tomorrow, which is Saturday, right? Well, no. Tomorrow is Saturday as I figured, but the classes were on Thursday and Friday, which has just passed me by.

I look at the list I was given. Yup, Thursday and Friday, the 18th and 19th. I had managed to pick out the only Thursday and Friday classes on the sheet, without knowing it.

I called my group leader, and left a message. She hasn’t called me back. Tomorrow, I’ll go to the Saturday meeting and tell her how stupid I’ve been…again.

Sure, I could laugh. But this is another blow to my professionalism that I used to be proud of. Amazing. I always felt so proud of my work even though I hated it so much. Maybe I was proud of it because I hated it so much. If I did such good work at something I hate, just think what I could do for something I love! Only, nothing I love can support me.

And now, I’m trying hard to get back into doing stuff I hate. Or am I trying that hard? I don’t know, doing stupid stuff like this makes me wonder. I don’t want to sell fucking insurance. I don’t want to do fucking A/P.

All I know is that for thirty years I worked faithfully and well, even though I didn’t like what I was doing. Now I’m washed up, too young to retire, too old to rehire, and it’s like I’m doing stupid shit to fuck myself up on purpose. I mean, I’m plenty fucked in this economy already. I don’t need me to make it worse.

I suck.

2

I don’t know if you want advice or what, but I think you need 1) to start setting 2-3 alarms every time you need to get up because 1 is clearly not enough. 2) get an appointment book and read/write things down more carefully. Most of all, 3) Try to get a job that has a set schedule so you don’t mess it up.

It sucks that you made mistakes, but these are mistakes that a professional cannot make and hope to be taken seriously.

3

If you do your accounting in two parts, you could work as an accounting clerk while you finish up your bachelor’s; accounting clerks don’t make huge money, but they make nice money. I’d much rather work as an accounting clerk (which I often do) than sell insurance.

4

I don’t know if this will be any comfort to you, but this might be the universe trying to tell you something. My fiance’s grandson, who graduated from college with a BBA in 2007 and has extensive experience managing a bar, is successful at about anything he does, and is sharp as a whip, tried the insurance sellling route. Half the time he made arrangements to meet clients (and after driving several miles) they weren’t there. This wasn’t even cold calling, either. There were some other issues involved. It was very little return for the time he put in. Unless you’re dying to get into sales rather than accounting, don’t sweat it. (I do understand the “need money” thing).

5

If you’re going to keep sabotaging yourself at being an accountant, or insurance person, then you may as well go ahead with being a starving artist or musician or whatever it is you really want to do. Maybe there is some way to make what you want to do work, and the sooner you get onto it the better, instead of wasting time missing classes and appointments for something else.

6

My sister did that insurance route for a while. After she sold to our family and her friends she got no sales. She put a lot of money, time and effort into it, too.

One thing I’ve learned, since I got a cell phone, is use it as an alarm clock. Don’t have to worry about the electricty going out, time changes etc. And since it is an extension of my right arm its always close by, even when I’m sleeping.

Another tip I can give thats helped me is don’t send the same resume to every job your applying for. Target each individual job. Read up on them and know what keeps them in business and personalize. Then sell yourself.

In the meantime sell those books on ebay! Its like a job, you’ll make some money and you feel better while looking for work. Good luck fellow doper:)

7

I sabotage myself as well. To prevent this, I use some of the previously mentioned suggestions (I have multiple alarm clocks, a calendar that I highlight important dates and double check, a bulletin board with important letters and dates (also highlighted) and sometimes leave sticky notes on my bedroom door that I have to see before I go anywhere). And double check *everything *that gets entered on anything.

I seem to be doing pretty well with not missing things with this type of system. My next move is to buy some lipstick and start making notes on the bathroom mirror so I won’t miss anything. (I know that sounds weird, but I think it’ll work for me.)

The thing that is more difficult to fix is my attitude. Last time I was unemployed, I temped for a while. I hated it. And it showed. I was pissy to everybody outside of the temp jobs. I often did nothing but bitch about my situation during off hours to anybody who would listen. This made many people not want to listen to me. I tend to get grumpy if I don’t get what I want.

I need to find a way to fix that. It is probably (one of) my biggest character flaws.

Good luck to you!

8

I spent WAY too much time in psychotherapy back in NYC in the 90’s, so take this with a grain of salt, but I’d say yeah, your inner-whatever is APESHIT about having to do fucking A/P and fucking insurance. Right now you have to bust ass and PAY MONEY to take courses you don’t even effing LIKE, then this is followed by the rest of your life (and yola’s post is a big ol’ flashing red light to my mind) spent approaching friends/family/strangers and convincing them to buy something from you. My sphincter is tightening right up like a Tungsten clamp at the thought of it.

If it were me, I’d do two things. First, I’d get on the web, talk to folk, etc., to see if there isn’t some aspect of A/P or insurance that might interest me. I’d look for an angle, previously unconsidered, that would make this enjoyable.

If I couldn’t find one, I’d then start looking for something else to do. It sounds to me like you’re forcing yourself into a lifetime of jobs you hate. There just HAS to be something else out there. Maybe put the books on eBay, get more than a buck each, while you’re figuring this out?

Good luck to you!

9

Hello everyone, thanks for all your tips. Maybe selling my books on Ebay would be a good idea.

It turned out that my group leader wasn’t nearly as upset about my missing the licensing classes as I was. She’s just gonna reschedule me. I’m just gonna take a deep breath and give it a shot.

Yeah, I think my unconscious mind is slapping me in the head about all this too, but all I can do at this point is resolve to try to get published, somehow. I am working on a novel. I belong to two writer’s groups. One for the third party criticism, and the other group has some city connections to literary stuff. It’s better than nothing, but I know better than to think I could live on it.

Oh well, not homeless…yet.

10

I don’t have any advice, Your situation stinks, and I hope you get to a better place, but maybe not through this insurance thing! (Don’t feel bad about selling your books. I, too, had stacks and stacks all over, but I got rid of them and haven’t missed them. I did keep a few of the best of the best, but there they sit on a shelf, untouched after many years.)