Old is when..

Old is when…

…your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

…the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis.

…a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

…you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

…you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

…when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

…when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

…“getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

…“getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

… an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

…Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

When your prostate is acting up, don’t get into a pissing match.

Old is when…

…You take a class at the local university, stare at all the bouncing cleavage walking by, and realize that you’re old enough to be the girl’s father.

Old is when the hairstylists ask of they should go ahead and trim back that eyebrow hair, and you feel lucky they’re at the wrong angle to see your nose.

You start really appreciating loafers.

You dress in what’s comfortable, and screw being stylish.

You actually think about what you’re eating, especially after 5:00 pm.

You realize your father not only wasn’t the jerk you thought he was, he actually was right about a lot of stuff.

Your kid is studying stuff in history class that you remember happening.

–when you get winded dialing long distance.

–when the clothes you wore when you were younger come back into fashion

–when the music you remember from your youth is on the easy listening stations

– when you just nod your head to all the “You’re a child of the 70’s if” e-mails that get around.

–when you start thinking more of the past than the future.

  • when you realize that it is really comfortable when you wear your pants up above your belly button.

  • when people talk about you right in front of you.

  • when you’re no longer able to blow out all the candles on your birthday cake.

  • when a sudden unfortunate trip to the horizontal position might be permanent.

… dinner at 3 o’clock actually seems like a good idea.

…You get up at 7am, even though you have no reason to do so but if you dont “you’ll miss half the day”.

…You are prepaired to queue outside the post office for 3 hours.

…You visit the supermarket and despite buying the same shopping everyday for the past twenty years, be unable to find anything.

…You watch film/programme which contains sex/violence/nudity/swearing/absolutely anything of interest to the youth of today and are so offended that you have to write a strongly worded letter to points of view. (or in the case of sex on TV call the station.)

…You drive on the motorway, despite a) doing a sedate 50 in the middle lane and b) being unable to see over the wheel.

egg

You say the phrase, Back in my day… more then once a week.

I saw the OP on a card in Spencer’s today.

If you can’t remember what the original question was, or even what website you’re on, or what you’re doing touching a computer in the first place.

or if you can’t remember the name of the whatcha-ma-call-it, or why it’s whatcha-ma-call-it-ing, or why you haven’t called the whatcha-ma-call-it-man

Its really bad when you realize that you are old enough to be the girl’s grandfather—

Old is when…

in response to someone asking you what you were doing at the turn of the century, you can authentically reply “Which one?”

you decline a visit from your devoted daughter because you think she ought to go to her granddaughter’s wedding reception instead

when you attempt to enter your date of birth in online forms, the javascript won’t accept it and insists that you enter a valid date.

the Reader’s Digest formula for calculating how many miles you should walk each week to stay healthy at your age indicates that you should unwalk a negative two point five miles.

you read the “I remember when” threads of people who think they’re getting on in years and half the things they remember from childhood didn’t exist yet when you were a kid.

From Dave Barry Turns 50: (No, I’m not creative enough to think of my own)

  1. You tend to forget things
  2. When you drive your car, you notice that people yell at you a lot. Often, these people are laying on your hood.
  3. On more than one occasion, while shaving, your razor seems kind of dull. Upon closer examination, your razor turned out to be your toothbrush.
  4. You’re always searching for the right word or name. You’ll be telling an anecdote, and you’ll get stuck on a name, and you’ll tell your listeners: “You know! That guy! With the thing! He that that thing! That guy!” And everybody will start trying to guess who you’re talking about, as if you’re playing charades, and finally, after ten minutes of this, it will turn out that the name you’re trying to remeber is: “The Pope.” By this time, of course, you have no recollection of the original anecdote.
  5. You sometimes adress your spouse as “General Eisnhower.”
  6. You tend to forget things.
  7. You sometimes wear a bathrobe to the office.
  8. And it isn’t your office.
  9. It isn’t your bathrobe, either.
  10. You tend to forget things.

Of course, I’m 15, so I guess I don’t have to worry about THIS stuff for awhile! :stuck_out_tongue: Sorry, but there’s nothing as fun to be smug about as youth