Let’s replace God with Me. I am now God, and I’m getting ready to do a little creating. Those readers who can’t cope with me being God should replace me with George Burns. He played God a couple of times, and did a fine job.
I have created my universe, which consists of a large round room. I have populated the room with plants and animals, pretty things to look at, and ugly things to look at. It’s time to move on to the main project. Along with 9,999 others, I’ve created you. I call you human. I infuse you with a soul, with the ability to think and reason, to love and hate, to do good and evil. I didn’t give you a choice, offered up no pre-life agreement, just created you and turned you loose.
So here you sit, my creation in my world. My world is not an easy place to live in. You have to find food, clothes, and shelter. It is difficult to interact with the other 9,999 creations I’ve made because they’re just like you, meaning that they have free will, and the ability to do whatever strikes their fancy. In addition, I throw things like natural disasters, disease, aches and pains as you get older, dangerous animals, and chance itself. You might find a boulder will fall on you for no other reason than bad luck. I call these things challenges.
In addition to me creating you and placing you in my special room, making it difficult to live and thrive, I now expect some things from you. It doesn’t matter if you agree with the things I expect of you, I expect them nonetheless.
The first thing I expect is that you’ll give me a little respect, because after all, you wouldn’t be here unless I went to all this trouble. So, of course, you’re not allowed to throw respect towards a tree, for instance, because I’m not a tree. You have to give your respect to me.
I also expect that you won’t make any funny little statues of me. It’s not your business why. Maybe I’m shy, maybe I’d rather you show your respect in a different way, whatever the reason (and I’m not telling) you’re not allowed to do it. You’re also not allowed to bitch about me; particularly you’re not allowed to say, for example, “Welby is a Dick.” After all I’ve done for you there ought to be a way for you to question me without getting nasty. We’ll get to your questioning of me later, though.
I expect you to pick a day and chill a little bit. After all, I’ve made you, so I can give you a vacation. You shouldn’t do any work on this day; you should just relax, perhaps gather together with the other creations and spend a little time telling me how wonderful I am.
You have to honor your secondary creation units. By that I mean the couple of creations that I made that in turn got together and, at least in the physical sense, made you. I can’t control whether they’ll be good creation units or not, after all they have free will. If they are good, you’ve lucked out. If they aren’t, then your life will be a challenge. Either way, you have to honor them for creating you, just as you should honor me.
You’re not allowed to kill any of my other creations. That’s just not kosher. Don’t worry if the other creations ignore this rule. It doesn’t matter if they deserve death in your opinion, you should let me deal with them. Granted, I won’t deal with them until their natural creation life expires, so until that time you should just consider them a challenge.
I expect that you’ll keep your own little set of creation tools in your pants until I’ve blessed your desire to use them. Never mind the fact that I’ve made the creative act pleasurable, indeed I’ve almost made it an automatic urge, you’re not allowed to diddle until I (or a designated proxy) give the okay. After I’ve given my blessing you’re not allowed to use your tool except with the authorized partner.
Don’t think about taking something that’s not yours. It’s not cool, and it makes someone sad. It’s a total dick move. Ignore the fact that I don’t provide you with everything you need, much less everything you want. Getting those things is a challenge.
Don’t lie, because that’s pretty bad too. Not as bad as killing one of my creations, but pretty low. Speak honestly at all times, even when you think the truth is going to hurt someone. If you discover that the truth will hurt someone, don’t worry overmuch about it, because you’re just providing them with a challenge.
I expect you to keep your hands to yourself and not look at your neighbor’s stuff, much less desire it. Never mind that you may not have been given the ability to obtain any of these things for yourself. Perhaps you’re one of the creations that slipped passed quality control. Think of it as a challenge.
Now in addition to all of this, I expect that you kiss my ass in a general way. Of course, I don’t call it ass kissing, I call it worship, but however you look at it, it comes down to ass kissing. I expect not only respect, but appreciation for all my hard work. You’d better be thankful, or else. I know I didn’t give you a choice, but hey, I created you, so you should do as I say.
If you aren’t thankful enough to kiss my ass, I’m going to make your eternity a hell. I’m going to send you to a place much worse than the one I first created, and I’m going to make you suffer. This isn’t a penalty phase, and I don’t expect you to learn any lesson other than I was right and you were wrong and that you have to suffer as a result.
So let’s summarize. I’ve created you without your consent, put you in a harsh environment, given you a set of rules to live by, expect a boatload of thanks for all of this work, and will totally ruin your eternity if you don’t comply.
In the most basic sense, isn’t this kind of dickish, egomaniacal, and cruel? I get off in my own Welby way on your attention to me, worship of me, and your thanks for what I’ve done to you, despite the fact that you have no control over why you were created and what will ultimately happen to you.
Doesn’t this seem a little sick?