One good Y.A.R.N. deserves another

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

Captain Jerry T. Kurt beemed proudly at his bridge. And Why not? To get the chance to captain the U.S.S. Eureka would have been the honor for any captain, but for Kurt, fresh out of StellerGroup Acadamy…

“Mr. Schlock, set course for the Derughium system”, Kurt said, leaning back in his captain’s chair.

“Aye, aye” came the prompt reply. The expressionless face of the Hephaestian was light by from below by the instrument panel he was working on.

The mighty hyperdrive engines hummed with power as they accelerated the starship through space at several times the speed of light. Suddenly, the ship shuddered.

“Emergency!” cried the helmsman. “Something has stopped us dead in space!”

“But what the hell is it?” the captain wondered…

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

#2

It’s the extra ‘by’ in the third paragraph!

I have as much authority as the Pope; I just don’t have as many people who believe it! - George Carlin

#3

Suddenly, a Tellerian phase field enveloped the ship.

Precisely 1.6 seconds later, there was an explosion.

The S…S. Eureka was no more.

#4

Floating in formless space. No conciousness.

Senses returning, Capt. Kurt thought, “Where am I?” He felt as though he was soaking in a bath of warm plaswater; a weightless feeling. All around him there was the warmth, its temperture the same as that of his body. He felt like his body was the warmth were one, like the whole universe was his body.

“You’re in the womb,” purred a soft, English-accented voice. “Stay still. You were very badly hurt when your spacecraft exploded.”

“What?” Wapt. Kurt asked sleepily. He was just now beginning to get his memory back, and the feeling was strangely disconnected; like watching a movie of his life. He couldn’t see a thing, and this bothered him.

The voice spoke “Don’t worry. Relax. We’ll take care of everything.”

At this Capt. Kurt felt what could only be hands all over his body. The warm feeling intensified.

“Oh we were brought up on the Space-Race, now they expect us to clean toilets. When you have seen how big the world is how can you make do with this?”

-Pulp, “Glory Days”

#5

And continued to intensify, until the heat reached 6000 degrees,and he was reduced to a fine powder.

Capt. Kurt was no more.

#6

He woke, again, trembling. The fine linen sheets (natural linen, no less - none of that replicated stuff for him) were soaked with sweat, and smelled vaguely of old cologne.

“What was that?” Muttering quietly to himself, the captain stood and slid the sheets down to his feet, preparing to stand.

The smell of burning hair greeted his nostrils, and after a moment, he looked down - all his flowing leg hair had been burnt away, leaving only the shriveled remains.

“Wha?”

#7

“Hmmm, that shouldn’t have happened” said the disembodied voice with the English accent. There was a thwip!zeep!pzowp! noise, and the fine white powder reconstuted itself into the form of Capt. Kurt.

“Ugggh, that’s going to sting in the morning” said Kurt, rubbing the back of his neck, which was still smoking slightly. Kurt wrung the last of the plaswater out of his velour tunic, and looked around.

"Schlock, where are you?

TT

“Believe those who seek the truth.
Doubt those who find it.” --Andre Gide

#8

Wha?

How could thhis be?

He died in the previous thread.

Then with a sudden relization, he knew it was merely a faint wisp of last moment consciousness before he was engulfed by the flame.

Reduced to a few grams of dark powdery residue.

Cap. Kurt was no more.

He was dead. And nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing, could bring him back to life.

Millions long for immortality, yet don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

#9

His brother stood at the gravesite, remembering… wondering if there was anyone left in the world who knew him as Wally. Most people called him M7, out of respect (and not a little fear.) Fear would be wise now, as he considered how to revenge his brother…

#10

Kurt woke up screaming. He walked as fast as dignity allowed to the sickbay. The ship’s doctor, his loyal friend known only as “Skippy”, performed a full examination on him.

“Well, Jerry, I have no idea how the virus got on the ship, but you are defenatly infected.”

“What do I have?” Kurt asked with trepedation.

“It’s a rare virus that thrives on bioelectric fields. If the field isn’t strong enough, like in the case of a human, then the virus will accelerate the host’s metabolism by inducing stress.”

“It does this by causing the host to continually hallucinate it’s own death. The virus is called Wally’s Syndrome. There is only one cure for this infection.”

“And what’s that?” asked Kurt.

The doctor looked directly at the camera and said “you simply have to ignore any signals or messages the virus tries to transmit.”

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

#11

“Ignore it! How the &%# am I supposed to ignore it if it keeps killing me?”

“Beats me. But it’s the only way to get rid of the virus, so I suggest you figure something out,” smirked Dr. Skippy.

“You try waking up as a fine powder and see if you can ignore it. In fact, that’s not a bad idea…”

Capt. Kurt set his phaser for “powder” and took aim at Dr. Skippy.

“Not so fast, buddy,” said Skippy, unperturbed. “You’re not gonna shoot me; how would you get your antifungal prescriptions refilled? So just put that thing away, or I’ll tell the whole ship your little secret.”

#12

"Youu’re not going to tell anyone anything. I’ve had it with you.

Capt.Kurt levelled the phaser and fired.

His moment of satisfaction turned quickly to dismay. He killed a fellow officer.

His career would be in ruins. He would be court martialled.

There was only one way out.

Slowly, he raised the phaser to his head and fired.

Capt. kurt was no more.

This time it was no dream. He was dead.

Totally. completely. Utterly.

Dead.

Period.

Millions long for immortality, yet don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

#13

Captain Jerry T. Kurt beemed proudly at his bridge. And Why not? To get the chance to captain the U.S.S. Eureka would have been the honor for any captain, but for Kurt, fresh out of StellerGroup Acadamy…

“Mr. Schlock, set course for the Derughium system”, Kurt said, leaning back in his captain’s chair.

A pause. Kurt and Schlock exchange puzzled glances.

“Is it just me, or have we experienced this before?” Kurt asks.

A puff of smoke. A smirking man in a judge]s robe appears on the bridge.

Kurt: “Who are you?”

Man: “I am K, from the K Continuum.”

Kurt: “What’s going on here?”

Schlock: “Logically, captain, we are stuck in some kind of time loop.”

K gives an evil laugh. “OOO hoo hoo haa haa haa!”

#14

What do I have to do to kill this guy?

He just gets out of the Academy, and they give him a ship?

What we need here is a mutinity.

There’s no way this punk can run a warp-class vessel…

Capt. Kurt shook his head ruefully, “No matter what dimension I go to, they don’t respect me. I do my best, but they’re ticked off because they’ve been on board for 10-20 years and haven’t moved up.
Well, is my fault that Mom’s an Admiral who pulled a few strings?”

Deep in his thoughts, he didn’t notice several of his officers approaching from behind…

Millions long for immortality, yet don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

#15

Capt. Kurt: I don’t who you think you are, mister, but nobody 'hoo hoo haa haa’s at me on my starship and gets away with it! Schlock, distract him while I jump up and kick him in the chest!

Mr. Schlock:

Capt. Kurt: Snotty! Cross link the warp engines to the deflector array and put a level three sarcasmoid field around the intruder!

Snotty:

Capt Kurt: Mr. Scrulu, lock phasers on the intruder!

Mr. Scrulu

Capt. Kurt: Fire phasers Mr. Schlock!

Mr Schlock:

Capt. Kurt: Dammit Schlock, don’t give me that logic-shmogic crap at a time like this, you know that irritates the hell out of me!

Mr. Schlock:

Capt. Kurt: That’s insubordination Mister Schlock! Dr. Skippy, escort Mister Schlock to the brig!

Dr. Skippy:

Capt. Kurt: Mister Snot, what is it going to take for you to beam this intruder off my bridge?

Mr. Snot:

Capt. Kurt: What is going on down there in engineering? I’ve got an intruder on the bridge, what could be worse than that?

Mr. Snot:

Capt. Kurt: Mr. Jerkoff, disable the intruder with… What the??? Are you watching old Spencer Tracy movies on your viewscreen again? Which one is it this time???

Mr. Jerkoff:

Capt. Kurt: I give up!! Computer, how do I get myself out of this idiotic scene?

Computer:

Fade to black.

TT

“Believe those who seek the truth.
Doubt those who find it.” --Andre Gide

#16

Capt. Kurt: See, I told you it wouldn’t work, Schlock!!!

TT

“Believe those who seek the truth.
Doubt those who find it.” --Andre Gide

#17

Capt. Jerry T. Kurt sat at his computer, reading the SDMB. His attempt at writing himself into a Y.A.R.N. didn’t turn out so well. Some annoying poster WallyM7 kept killing his fictional self off. Other posters always brought him back, one even put him into the lair of a cosmic succubus. ( “What a great guy,” he thought. ) But that WallyM7 just kept doing the same thing.

Capt. Kurt read WallyM7’s latest post. “What?!” He exclaimed. " ‘There’s no way this punk could run a warp class vessel?!’ I didn’t get through the Academy with top honors, earning record test scores all the way, for nothing! Everyone knows I deserve my rank!"

He started to type furiously. "I’ll post another addition to the story in which I am given immortality! That’ll stop WM7!

“Doesn’t even know me, and he wants me dead,” Capt. Kurt sighed. “I wish I had something better to do this weekend.”

{did anyone notice the joke?}

“Oh we were brought up on the Space-Race, now they expect us to clean toilets. When you have seen how big the world is how can you make do with this?”

-Pulp, “Glory Days”

#18

{no, not that joke. the real joke is extremely subtle. :wink: }

#19

Moriarity?

#20

I’m thinking it’s a reference to Shatner’s “resurrection” of Kirk.

You’ve lost your fight with your hair and your belly long ago, man. You could have at least hung on to that last little scrap of dignity.

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.