If memory serves, Kobal2, didn’t Gary Larson say that he quit drawing The Far Side because the readers were getting weirder than the cartoons?
“My father fought in the Clone Wars?”
So the butler stuck his dick in the mashed potatoes.
Niagra Falls??? Slooowly I turn…
My go-to hook line for a novel is:
“The building was on fire, and it wasn’t my fault.” Jim Butcher (The Dresden Files #6 - Blood Rites)
Found another good one last night. “The Life of the Mind” by John Scalzi starts off:
“So, I’m supposed to tell you how I became a brain in a box.”
It doesn’t come out 'til next week, but there’s an excerpt over at Tor.
Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I’ve followed a few.
And that’s when I bought the horse a prostitute!
I’ve never seen so many dead hookers in all my life!
I wonder if he knew the guy who “got in a little hometown jam”.
No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck’s trailer.
Regards,
Shodan
I have always wondered if this line came from me. Several months before Lewis used it in his routine, I was living in Houston and having lunch in a restaurant with a friend. We were talking about my last year at U of T, during which I almost dropped out (that’s another story).
I was so stressed at UT that my parents sent my mare to a stable outside Austin so I could ride every day and have a break from university problems. It worked, and enabled me to finish the year. This is what I was telling my friend, and I can imagine myself saying that line to her.
Probably just a coincidence, but now no one has to have an aneurism over it - there could be a logical explanation to that line. 
The course of true love never did run smooth.
William Shakespeare
Never fall in love during a total eclipse.
You should definitely tell Lewis Black about this; I’m sure it would make his day. Imagine if you were the key to the happiness and joy that has eluded him thus far!
My contribution:
“I don’t know. It was on fire when I lay down on it.”
It was a dark and stormy night …
Ever since the Noodle Incident…
“I pulled into Nazareth, feelin’ 'bout half past dead.”
“Your on desk duty! And you’re banned for life from Ditmus Burger!”
Don’t crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!