Don’t get me wrong: I’m very happy. I’m happy with my son, my wife, my life. I make a good living. I am married to a gorgeous chick that, improbably, loves me. What’s not to be happy about?
But every now and then…
…like yesterday, when HBO started showing Phantom of the Opera. I saw this musical in 1986 on Broadway. That was twenty years ago. And it occured to me that despite having very little in the way of vocal talent, I watched that show with so much enjoyment in part because a little tiny primitive part of my brain – a little tiny primitive IRRATIONAL part – entertained a fantasy that I could be a part of such a production. I was young, handsome after a fashion; I could be the young Raoul that sweeps the beautiful Christine Daae away.
Now it’s nearly 2006. The gray is making inroads into the dark hair. There are a few more pounds distributed around the waist.
And now as I watch the heartbreakingly beautiful Emmy Rossum, BORN in 1986, perform the Christine Daae role, it’s very clear to me that whatever personal and career successes still await me, I think it’s fair to say that playing Raoul is right out of the picture.
It’s kind of a weird feeling. I mean, it’s not like playing Raoul was ever IN the picture for me. So why would I even care?
It’s because I got old. Twenty years. Where the fuck did twenty years go?
And it’s not like I want them back. I’m happy with how they turned out. I just want… I want to know what I know now, be where I am now, and still be in my early twenties.
I wanted to do the Broadway thing for awhile too. I became sort of “obsessed” after I saw Phantom in 1992, but then I got rejected after trying out for a play in high school. My best friend was accepted for the lead role (even though she wasn’t into theatre at the time - she just tried out because I did) - she became friends with the “theatre” folk and stopped hanging out with me. She was a total hit, and while I was happy for her, I became discouraged and gave up. I’ve got more balls than that now, and of course it’s not too late for the Broadway thing, but I have other ideas now. I’m sure one day I’ll look back and wonder what it would’ve been like. But I’m trying to get used to the idea that you can’t possibly do everything you want to do. (I’m 24)
I personally intend to hang around long enough for them to develop the necessary technology to regenerate youthful bodies. (If that means I’ve got to have my head frozen, so be it.) Upon regaining my youthful physique (plus engaging in a vigorous exercise program so I look good naked), I plan on spending the rest of my days seducing lovely young women (shouldn’t be too difficult with all my years of accumulated wisdom ;)) and never bothering to tell them that I’m old enough to be their grand (or even great grand) father.
See, here’s how it is. You have to keep making new dreams all the time. Because even if you had fulfilled that dream you had 20 years ago, well, you’d still need something to strive for now, wouldn’t you?
I have quite a list of things I wanted to do, and I did almost all of them. As soon as I fulfilled one, and crossed it off my list, there was another thing got added!
One of the few things I’d still like to do that is most likely impossible is to fly in space and experience zero G. I’m not likely to make it to the astronaut corps, though, and I’m certainly not going to spring for the huge amount of money to buy my way there. I’m not optimistic that the price will go down substantially within my lifetime. But if I had gone, well, now I’d want to go again.
Just remember – there is no destination; there is only the journey.
So far, I believe that only the SDMB “kids” (including the OP) have responded to this posting. Listen you young whippersnappers - I’m 54. You think you’re alone in your feelings? HAR !!!
Do I have regrets about the past and wonder how things ‘might have been’?
Damned tootin’ !!!
As Sandra Bullock says in “Murder By Numbers” - “You get one life, and whatever you do with it, and whatever is done to you, you’ve got to face that. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
Gee, don’t we all feel better now ?
I’m 50 and my life’s only half over. When my grandmother was 94 she said to me, “It doesn’t make sense that I’m really this old…inside I still feel just like I did at 18.” Truer words never spoken.
brightpenny
In a way, your grandmother’s story reminds me of a quote by Burgess Meredith in “Grumpy Old Men” (or it may have been “Grumpier Old Men”. I tried IMDB but couldn’t find which film it was)
Anyway, his quote was “One day you wake up. You’re 94 years old and you realize you’re never going to see 84 again.”
Or perhaps the philosophy of devilsknew has some merit:
By the way, am I still the oldest person posting in this thread?
My Social Security number is 1
Me too… (though not having children, I wouldn’t even need to be where I am now. Just to know what I know now).
French saying “Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait!” (If only young age knew, if only old age could!)
