One of those moments when I wish I could go back in time with a meaner response

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I recently quit my job because of significant differences with my manager. Mainly, I had too much work, and she was unwilling to delegate it anywhere. Also, she was getting more and more irrational and refused to support me. If you’d like more information on that, refer to this thread: Should I quit my job?

So anyway, my manager had promised several times to give me an excellent, glowing reference should any future employers require one. I thought I’d take her up on that offer, but as a courtesy, I e-mailed her to confirm. Well, she decided that she is “no longer comfortable” giving me a reference, and that I should forward all requests for a reference to HR.

In response, I e-mailed her back saying “Thanks, I’ll forward all future requests to HR.” In stressful situations, for some reason I try to remain polite regardless of how I’m feeling. So I’m the type of person who, after an argument, wakes up a 4 a.m. with a REALLY good comeback, but it’s just too lame to use it that late. Anyway, I wish that I had responded more along these lines:

“Thank you for letting me know that you will no longer be giving me a reference. I can’t help but be disappointed, however, as you had offered me a reference on several occaisions prior to my resignation. Additionally, I defended you to the executive management at the time of my resignation when the Chairman called me to ask pointed questions about your and the Marketing Officer’s management practices. I also defended you when the Chairman called to ask me additional pointed questions about why so many other employees had left the Marketing Department citing poor management on your behalf. Regardless of my feelings on the matter, I do appreciate your candor and wish you the best.”

In other words, I wish that I had at least expressed my disappointment in some way that would have made her feel bad. In some respects, I’m glad that I didn’t, just in case, but it would have been so satisfactory to at least let her know in the nicest way (so she’d feel even worse) that I thought she was a really shitty person.

Anybody else have experiences like that?

2

Yes, but I do believe that in this case, you made the right choice. In fact, most managers are not allowed by their companies to give references for former employees. Your prospective employers will simply call the HR department to confirm the dates of your employment, and that’s about it. Letters of recommendation are another matter, but even those are usually offered by someone either as a personal reference or are written by someone who supervised you at the job you had BEFORE your most recent one. You handled it well and didn’t risk burning any bridges, which is always wise.

3

How important is she to you? Don’t waste energy on someone whose name you won’t remember in a year. Its obvious she isn’t your friend. Working for her was bad, you’re probably lucky she said what she said. better than telling some future employer bad things about you.
Beadalin is right, previous employers can give only varification of work history. In some states, they can still say would or wouldn’t rehire, but even that has been nixed in many places.

4

Yeah, I guess she’s not all that important. She and I were friends for a while when I first started, but frienships between bosses and their employees can be tricky. I was sort of hurt that she went back on her word, but them’s the breaks.

Anyway, it just reminded me of all the times in high school when someone would say something mean, and I’d stand there sputtering. Then, about an hour later, I’d think of this awesome, crushing comeback and not be able to use it at all.

Like when someone called me a royal bitch, and I stood there going “Well, Well… So there!” as the person walked away. Then an hour later I came up with something totally disgusting to say to her, but couldn’t use it unless I stuck my head in the classroom and shouted it at her. It makes me chuckle when I think of it. I think I’ll have to start preparing insults and write them down so I can carry them in my pocket, just in case. I’ll study them every day and practice in front of the mirror. :smiley: