Stay away (romantically) from women named Gina or Karen, and work harder to land Terri. That one will make your life so much better.
Join the military
Never have a child
Never start smoking
Save lots of money
Your parents do not have your best interests at heart. Leave home for good the day after high school graduation and do not look back or go back.
You are depressed. It’s probably dysthymia, i.e. chronic mild depression. Unlike major depression, you can function, just not very well. In your case, it’s greatly exacerbated (though not entirely caused) by your realization that you are, in fact, a sexual/romantic being who is attracted to others. This is OK. It does not make you a conformist. All that mushy stuff is not beneath you. Being different for its own sake is stupid.
Get help for your mental state as soon as possible. It will save your youth from depression, and your whole life will be different.
More specifically:
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Dating is supposed to be fun. Depressed people often hurt themselves, and thus you will spend entire years fixated on and pursuing people you really don’t like all that much, solely because you are trying to hurt yourself. There are people you really do like, good people who might be interested in you. You’re very sweet, usually, which leads us to…
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You don’t have a radio show, and even if you did, mean-spirited humor is beneath your dignity, and that of your targets. Knock off that crap.
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Your parents mean well, but they are indeed clueless. Keep that in mind.
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Since you’ve addressed your depression, this next part should be easy, but stay at the first university you attend. Get help, they have counseling. Don’t go home.